How do you know when your husband doesn’t love you anymore?

[Bellini239]

Hi everyone,

I could really do with some advice please on my marriage. I have been married to Dh for 6 years and we have two kids together aged 10 months and 3 years.

I feel we don’t really chat to each other anymore - we kind of have the usual discussions around the logistics of the kids dinner, nursery but I can’t remember the last time we had a proper conversation about something substantial non-kids or house related.

I guess I just don’t want our marriage to morph into us basically living under the same roof and not communicating anymore / taking each other for granted.

In some ways he is a great husband, he really pulls his weight with helping me with the kids, financially he’s very generous towards me and as far as I know I don’t think there are any issues with infidelity. He has a very mentally demanding job and in the evenings he seems to really like having his down time a lot - I guess he has always been kind of an introvert type however I think I am lacking the conversation now more recently. I just feel not very connected to him and I feel he would rather just watch TV than spend quality time with me. Perhaps I am being too demanding and needy I’m not sure. I have tried talking to him about it and he doesn’t seem to think there is any issue.

If anyone has any advice I’d really appreciate it x thank you so much xx

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I happen to be as well. It’s just awful. And I think you can just tell when the love is gone . Trust your instinct.

My DH sounds just like yours. I’m sick of feeling unwanted and him looking bored when I’m talking to him.
I hope yours isn’t as bad as mine or you can probably fix things by going marriage counselling?

Sorry to hear this OP. A relationship without communication can be a very lonely place and resentment can build up if you feel the other person cannot make the effort to even spend any quality time with you.

You said that he didn't think there was an issue? Did you make it clear to him that you were feeling disconnected from him? You need to make that clear again if needs be , he needs to know how you feel. If you think it's a problem for you then it IS a problem and you both need a plan to improve your conversation because before you know it you will be so distant from each other, any connection as lovers will just disappear.

Maybe you could suggest one evening where you watch a film together or have a takeaway and just talk. If he doesn't make the effort to improve communication knowing clearly how you feel, you need to consider how long you could survive in this relationship because over time it will massively undermine your confidence.

Hi everyone, thanks for your messages. I completely agree it’s a sad state of affairs. I just don’t even know how we got to this place?!

You’re right- I am not going to just let him tell me it’s not an issue and tell him that we need to address it else I really don’t know how we will survive long-term. I’m not sure if just feels we chat just fine. It worries me that he doesn’t see this as an issue sigh 😔

Thats so sad to read. I see this happen a lot in my friends marriages. What hobbies and fun things do you do outside of being a mum and wife? You say "he is financially very generous to me" which made me wince a bit as if he is a parent giving you a lot of pocket money. I ask you about your life outside being a mum and wife as having lots of interests and friends outside of marriage will ensure you have connections elsewhere and lots of interesting things to talk about when your husband is home. Many men need some downtime when they come home to decompress. Myself included. My job was sometimes so stressful it would take sometimes 24 hours to decompress before enjoying my time at home. However, I always would warn my partner that I needed time to be to wind down. Basically, from the outside it looks like you have a standard marriage with 2 kids just bumbling along as best as you can to raise children. If you say your husband is an introvert then he wont be able to change much as it is ingrained in his personality that he will need lots of time switched off to gain his energy back. Thats where you need other interests to focus on. What do you do or chat about at the weekends? Surely you must do fun stuff with the children (outside lockdown of course)?

Hi Bellini239, this stuff happens all the time. It happened with my husband, we were both very busy in demanding jobs and he was doing 12 hour days and we were like ships passing in the night for quite a few years, all the while being a mum of 2 hyper active kids! At least you are seeing him. Try and look at the class half full! Are you being sympathetic to him being in a demanding job? If you're not talking personal stuff, maybe its because his life has become so mundane and transactional.. What have you done that is romantic and nice for him as of late? Got up early to make him breakfast? Showed him how much you appreciate him for working so hard for the family? I see so much of husband bashing sometimes from woman that are being chronic fault finders of their man, instead of looking first at themselves and what good they could be doing first and what they are doing wrong! Not saying its your fault! But know this... it takes two to tango and a marriage/real relationship is a partnership of team work! You're both supposed to love and support one another with as much positivity as possible. Do something sweet and nice for him for a few days without expecting anything in return and then over the weekend make for some real quality time for him and tell him how you feel! xxx