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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Relationship advice

21 replies

MissJess2020 · 05/11/2020 14:34

Hey guys bit of complicated situation. I fell in love with a guy who was illegally here in the uk from albania. I was very much in love with him he confessed to my parents that he had no documents after 8 months of us being together then they diddnt want me to see him anymore. He got back in touch not long ago and said he has a visa now has a car and that he is doing a visa for himself and all his family. But to me it sounds all too good to be true. I cant stop thinking about him and i miss him but i always had doubts about him. I dont know if anyone else has been in this situation. I wish it was true but i just font know. I wana get back with him but i dont know how to tell my parents about it as they would go mad. I miss him.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 05/11/2020 14:38

...but i always had doubts about him.

That's all I need to read. Something is off about this man and you know it. Block him and move on with your life.

merryhouse · 05/11/2020 14:50

Presumably the reason your parents turned against the relationship was because of the illegality of his situation?

If that has now been resolved then you can point to his having done the responsible thing and sorted himself out (and all for wuv of oo).

You're right to be sceptical about what he tells you; not because it's unlikely (I have no idea how easy it is for Albanian nationals to get visas etc) but because it's the simplest thing in the world to lie. Make sure you actually get to see these documents - and make sure you know what they should look like and how to verify them.

What were your doubts? Were they simply down to his status, or would they have been doubts if he'd been British-born and bred?

Do not under any circumstances marry, share residence or join finances with him for at least two years after meeting his family.

Original poster

MissJess2020 · 05/11/2020 14:54

He wanted to do all the big things before having his documents before when we was together. Then after we split up he was sorry and now says he has visa ect ect but its not easy getting a visa especially times like these and sometimes these things take years to achieve. Hegave me aring but at first i thought it was because of how traditional they are but was it a trap. There's was other things too that i wasnt sure of but like i said i find it strange that he saids he now has a visa just like that anyways my stupid heart is broken now. But thankyou for replying to me

OP posts:

FingersCrossedForAllOfUs · 05/11/2020 15:00

You have answered your own questions. It all sounds very unlikely.
With time you will get over him. Don’t get drawn back in, move on and live your life.

merryhouse · 05/11/2020 15:06

Ah. He gave you a ring after 8 months. When he didn't have legal status.

I'm very sorry your heart is broken, but I think you're going to have to deal with that. Well done for seeing through him.

HollowTalk · 05/11/2020 15:08

I would have thought it was very difficult to get a visa to live here if he was here illegally. It takes several months even if it's straightforward. Who was his sponsor? The fact he has a car doesn't mean anything - it might not even be registered in his name.

Original poster

MissJess2020 · 05/11/2020 15:16

I dont know hes probably a ball shitter but he may have come here to better his life who knows? But anyways yeah true but if it is true if caught he can get into a lot of trouble. I wanted to help him when we was together and he wasn't interested and now that i left him its all too little too late he definitely regrets it because i treated him like gold.

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Thingsdogetbetter · 05/11/2020 16:19

How long between you splitting up and this miraculous visa?

How can he simultaneously have a visa and be doing a visa for himself?

And what has having a car got to do with it? Telling you he has a job I could understand. If he's no job, it's highly, highly unlikely he got a visa!! Did he go home and apply from there as I don't think you can arrive illegally and then get a visa?

Original poster

MissJess2020 · 05/11/2020 17:18

Thats what i dont understand too and its been 4 months since we split and its one thing if your an asylum seeker and another if you came here just for the sake of it. But he has always worked even though he wasnt meant to. I dont know what to think, i feel bitter about things. He also said hes renting a whole house to make things sound even more strange i cant even do that and i have a good job working in a hospital

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iluvgab · 05/11/2020 18:07

Steer clear.
You always had doubts about him.
It all sounds like bullshit to me.
You get back together with him and in no time there'll be some kind of problem with his visa and you'll be under a lot of pressure to try to find a solution to the situation....

I have a friend who was married to an Albania (I'm not tarring all Albanians with the same brush btw)....but she was going out with him for a while and then there was some kind of visa issue and she ended up marrying him sooner than she wanted so that he could stay. I don't know the ins and outs of the visa issue, nor do I know what the current rules are but the marriage was a disaster. They had children together but he ended up violent. There were also problems with religious differences and his ideas of a woman's role.
Marry in haste... repent at leisure. If she'd had more time to get to know him I think she wouldn't have married him.

lovemelongtime · 05/11/2020 18:13

Well I am going against the grain but, if you are truly in love, he loves you and treats you well, go for it! But just make sure he,s not lying to you again before you jump in there. Your parents want to protect you, that's fine. But if he has visas and so on, go for it.

Original poster

MissJess2020 · 05/11/2020 18:19

Im just worried about my parents reaction its hard but i will see how things go

OP posts:

Original poster

MissJess2020 · 05/11/2020 18:21

I agree they have different mentalities to us he diddnt like .e ha ing friends or going out he was controlling but i didn't know if he was trying to protect me or what ? I felt a lot of double standards from him. He could get very angry and jelous too but i tried to see the good because i loved him.

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Aquamarine1029 · 05/11/2020 18:27

I felt a lot of double standards from him. He could get very angry and jelous too but i tried to see the good because i loved him.

Ffs, op, take off the blinders and stay as far away as possible from this man. He is no good.

Rockinmomma · 05/11/2020 18:51

Every one of your posts screams ‘RUN’!
Why would you want to be with a man who was illegally in this country and illegally working, doesn’t like you having friends or going out and gets angry and aggressive?!
Block all forms of contact and give yourself some tlc
I’d bet he swept you off your feet at the start, how long was it til you discovered the truth?

SandyY2K · 05/11/2020 18:56

He could get very angry and jelous

Case closed. Thank God he's history. You should stay far away from angry jealous men....they're dangerous.

Listen to your parents on this one.

He's not the last man on earth.

Original poster

MissJess2020 · 05/11/2020 19:03

I know i think he lied to me he said he had a visa then it ran out then he changed the story a d said he never had one and yeah i feel hurt that a man i thought i once loved turned out to be like this he treated me like an albanian lady even though i would tell him not too he said that where his from women stay at home have kids and take care of the house he also wanted me to quit my job yeah i know .

OP posts:

Rockinmomma · 05/11/2020 19:08

Yeah.... no, no, no, no, nooooooo!
You’ve had a very lucky escape, start smiling because genuinely... you are lucky!

iluvgab · 05/11/2020 19:17

i would tell him not too he said that where his from women stay at home have kids and take care of the house he also wanted me to quit my job yeah i know

Yes, and this is the exact same issue my friend had with her Albanian husband.
Stay away from this man.

And work on your self-esteem so that you believe in yourself more and don't need some wanker like this to make you feel good about yourself.

Original poster

MissJess2020 · 05/11/2020 19:22

Tha ks for you help guys i know love is blind but as the days went by i always had this voice in the back of my mind telling me hes no good for me regardless of how much i tried to help thankyou peeps x

OP posts:

IJustWantSomeBees · 06/11/2020 09:59

Glad to hear you're steering clear OP, right decision definitely!

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