Really super long post so I am sorry, and sorry for any spelling mistakes etc.
I just don't know what to do. I am at the end with my relationship, he is the father of my son, been together nearly 10 years.
I just can't stand him, he pissed me off so much, I'm angry with him and borderline hate the man.
We can't have a conversation with out it becoming bitter and I am just fed up.
Before we had our son, everything was fab.
The thing is, I have never wanted children, I love animals, but am not even remotely maternal with children. I never have been. Then we found out I was pregnant, utterly shocked. Before we could have a conversation about what to do, he comes up with, ''if you get rid of the baby, I will hate you and leave you''. Which is when I shut down.
I have never been the best at standing up for myself, other people or animals yes, but myself no. So I just completely shut down. I understand it is hard for people to understand, but I spent the entire pregnancy feeling violated and unable to connect with the growing baby. None of my fears were taken seriously, in fact he often belittled them and laughed at me.
My little boy was born, and I bled out on the floor and whilst I was conscious a surgeon rushed into the room and slammed his hand up inside me to stop the bleeding and I was rushed into surgery.
Fast forward a few years down the line, and I have been in therapy since February. Slowly making progress, but I still can't get past the feeling of being violated, dismissed and ignored.
Now I am genuinely worried that it will affect my son, that he will end up screwed up because I can't talk to his father properly.
I feel completely unheard, uncared for, unloved and down trodden.
I just don't know what to do. Am I selfish for feeling this way, am I the wrong doer?