Does he really want our baby?

[Bunnybutt]

I’m 11 weeks pregnant at the moment. Me and my husband decided to start trying earlier this year and it only took a few months for me to get pregnant. I was so excited but feel like he burst my bubble when he denied the positive tests I was getting and wanted me to take more until I got a stronger positive, once I had that I don’t feel that he was excited at all, we just carried on as normal. We had an argument recently as one evening I was feeling so nauseous I couldn’t eat anything and he yelled at me that I’m carrying his baby so I have to eat. Everything’s been normal since then, like I’m not pregnant. And this evening he made a passing comment of “the thing growing in your stomach, is it even a baby yet?” I told him that the comment annoyed me and he basically hasn’t spoken to me for the rest of the evening! Like I’m the one that’s done something wrong? He’s always said he’s wanted kids, it’s something we discussed very often, but he just seems so unenthusiastic now it’s happening and the only thing baby wise he gets passionate about is the possibility of not being able to go to scans because of COVID and I feel like that’s only to show people he cares. I dunno, am I over thinking it? 😕

This sounds abusive. How old are you and how long have you bee know together?

We’re 26 and been together for 6.5 years

It does not sound very promising. How is your relationship generally?

Abusive?! Really?!

I don't think so OP. I think maybe your expectations are a bit high. You mentioned that you just went on 'as normal'.. How did you expect things to change?

I have 3 children and imo the pregnancy is just a waiting period for the father, the enthusiasm and excitement arrived when the baby was born.

Referring to the baby as ‘that thing growing in your stomach’ is horrible.

Is he a young 26 year old? Could possibly be he really knows nothing about pregnancy and babies. Maybe suggest reading some baby books together and some info about pregnancy and what your body and baby is doing through the different stages of pregnancy. Could be a good opportunity to get him involved in your pregnancy

Maybe he's feeling daunted by the prospect of being a father now it seems more of a reality?

Or maybe he feels you are making it feel like only the pregnancy / baby is important to you now and he's getting less attention?

You are the one having the different experience as your body changes. For him, everything is pretty much as it was, until the baby is born. Perhaps he just doesn't feel excited yet because you still have a long way to go.

Have you asked him how he feels and why?

I'd be put off getting pregnant during a pandemic tbh, he could be anxious about that. However, my son's dad was very protective & caring when pregnant, but crap as a father once he arrived, so it's not a measure of how good they're going to be.

If you are with a man whose used to being the centre of attention, maybe an only child themselves, I'd say they find it harder sometimes to share the limelight and can get jealous of attention given to a baby or pregnant woman. What some men don't seem to get, is nothing makes you lose love for them faster than perceived rejection of your child. A child becomes a part of you, so rejecting it is a personal affront and is a rejection of yourself, all men should understand this.

Sassypants, I never said he was being abusive!

@Bunnybutt

Sassypants, I never said he was being abusive!

Sassy never said you did. Someone else did and Sassy pointed out to you that they don't think it is abusive.

I'm not sure how you want him to act in all honesty? I mean the fact he called your baby 'a thing' is not nice and a problem. When I was pregnant I just went about as normal.

What do you want him to act like? At 11 weeks there isn't much for him to do only admire your bump if you've started to show.

Congratulations!

Is he in the habit of shouting at you?

My husband cared that I ate well when I was pregnant, for me, for our baby. When I wanted weird things he made them. When I wanted two dinners he made extra. When I fell asleep every evening after work in the first trimester he’d cook, wake me up, I’d eat and I’d go to bed. That’s how you care for your pregnant wife if it helps her, not shouting and suggesting the baby’s needs are more important than its mother’s. Bizarre. Referring to a planned and wanted baby as a thing is really upsetting and nasty.

How horrible for you OP.

I'm not sure how you want him to act in all honesty?

Not shouting at her would be a start

We live now in very strange times
Talk to him. Lots of worry that we never had before. Yes he should be excited but obviously he is feeling apprehensive. Have a good chat.

Off the point but I have just read on another thread about a poster who lost it and screamed at her husband (food issue). Lots of posts telling her that she did the right thing. No one yet has called her out for shouting at him.
It irritates me that no man must ever raise his voice but many MN posters think screaming at their male partners is allowed. In an ideal world there would be no raised voices on either side. Shouting/screaming is horrible. I wish there were not double standards though.

MN posters think screaming at their male partners is allowed.

Don’t tar us all with the same brush! But you’re right about the ridiculous double standards peddled the usual suspects.

He doesn’t seem very excited about the pregnancy. Which is hurtful but hopefully he will be different when your baby is born. Sometimes men can’t connect until there’s an actual baby in the picture. Which is ridiculous IMO but I’ve seen men like this.

Hey @Bunnybutt this sounds really tough and must be incredibly isolating... as if being pregnant during a pandemic and looming lockdown wasn't isolating enough.

I had a little boy last year (he was born in Jun-19). My husband was also very pro having children and had a similar reaction when we discovered I was pregnant. He too didn't quite believe it, and kept saying the tests were negative.

Over my first trimester and going into my second trimester, at times I found his reactions a bit underwhelming. He just didn't show his emotions in the way that I did and as a result, I just never felt his excitement.

I hope this will reassure you.... when our little boy was born, I didn't cry, but he did. Tears of utter pride and joy. He's been the most incredible dad, incredibly hands on- and such a supportive partner. I really felt the weight of his support and love after our son arrived. Don't get me wrong, there are still moments where his reactions still underwhelm me, but I've learnt over time that it's just how he shows his emotions. And when it really matters, he shows it in bucket loads. Even just by practically being there for us.

Have you told him how you feel? Has he explained why he's behaving like this? Referring to your little one as "that thing" must be so hurtful for you hear so you have my complete sympathy. I hope you're ok. Have you thought about doing a private scan? That way he'll be allowed to attend too and it's an opportunity for him to connect. Although just to manage expectations, my husband never reacted in the same way that I did to my scans.

A lot of men become abusive when their partners are pregnant. I think screaming at a newly pregnant woman who feels ill that she HAS to eat as she’s having HIS baby sounds like a massive red flag to me.

I agree - he doesn't seem to be very excited about it. Maybe he has doubts he's not telling you about. Also, you need to draw a line in tbe sand now and demand he doesn't shout at you like that. It shouldn't be normalised or a regular thing, ok?

It sounds extremely worrying to me. My first husband was the same and was the worst father. We got divorced very soon after. What sign if any has he shown of being a caring and loving husband and father? I cant see any from your post. He won't suddenly do an about turn once your baby is here. This is it.

He’s saying some very hurtful things to you and I’d want to ask him why?
Shouting at you because your nauseous? How’s that going to help.
Maybe he is getting cold feet due to covid, money, the reality of having a child and the impact it might have on him. It doesn’t seem normal behaviour considering he was on board with trying for a child, does it....

I’ve never felt any excitement from my husband during any of my pregnancies. Our first (twins) were very much planned, an IVF pregnancy and he never really engaged in anything or every appeared excited. I also had a surprise pregnancy and had our baby girl this year. He never felt excitement with her either. However the day that they were all born he was the one who cried, I think it’s so difficult for them to connect and have any bond but his comment he made to you would have hurt me. Maybe as another poster said perhaps he lacks a bit of maturity