How to get past childhood abandonment/rejection

[Oleanders]

New username because some details possibly outing. As childhood stories are, it's long, so I'm cutting it very short.

I never knew my real father who didn't bother with me after my DM left him due to domestic abuse. He had DCs from a previous relationship who he did continue to see and still does as far as I know.

DM was with my stepfather from when I was 3yo to 9yo during which time my DB was born. I called him dad. After they split he continued to see me regularly, refered to me as his daughter, insisted he saw me the same as DB. I had my surname changed to his. When I was 17 (I'm 32 now) things got acrimonious between him and DM and he said to her that he "only wanted to see his real child" (DB), DM told me and I never saw my stepfather properly again. Then he died a couple of years ago so I never got resolve. He continued see my DB and another child he had later, right to the end. Just not me.

On top of the above stepfather was alcoholic, DM later on became an addict, so I was lied to a lot, gaslit, responsible for looking after them and my much younger DB. I couldn't trust either of them. I was and still am scared of upsetting DM in case she drops me too.

If you've got this far, thank you. Current situation - been with DH for 15 years, married 4 years, 3 DCs. He is trustworthy, has never cheated or given me reason to think he has or would. He is honest almost to a fault but this is something I welcome after the mindfuck of my childhood. Yet I'm waiting to be dropped. One hard part of relationship with DH is he has a passion in a creative industry which doesn't earn him money (he has a separate day job) but brings him into contact with lots of women, one to one. He spends a lot of time with them when working on a project both in person and via messaging and phone calls. In my head it's only a matter of time before he decides to leave me for someone else. I have no reason to think this would happen. Our relationship is very good. I just wish I could let that worry go and relax. But it doesn't feel like a worry, it's like my mind is certain it's a given. When he's working closely with someone (there's gaps between projects) I feel myself withdraw and disconnect and start thinking about how I can only rely on myself and I hate it because he's giving me no reason to start thinking that way. I really have to battle to not get distant with him, which I don't feel would be fair and would be like punishing him.

I think there are lots of people who would find it hard but I don't want to find it hard. I suddenly wondered the other day if the rejection when I was younger is why I feel so distrustful now. I sometimes catch myself acting like it's a given he's doing something (god knows what I genuinely don't know what I think is happening) behind my back. It's like I assume no matter who he's shown me he is as a person (which is all trustworthy, kind, gentle etc), really behind all that he's probably fucking with me.

Anyone got past this kind of thing? How? Please be gentle, I'm not against him spending time with or being friends with women.

You absolutely have abandonment issues, as I do too, similar abandonment issues from childhood.
You 100% won't get over this without counselling as it wouldn't matter if your husband told you every second of every day that he won't leave you, you would still think he was going to. It doesn't make the thoughts go away completely as it's an ingrained thing, but it teaches you to deal with them better - primarily my counsellor concentrated on making me see that if a partner leaves (he stressed that could actually happen at any time there are no guarantees), that i would be ok on my own. What he didn't do is try to convince me that my partner wouldn't leave. Many sessions of basically making me face up to that situation and how i would deal with it if that makes sense. He made me do things like writing down all the things that i enjoy doing outside the relationship for myself and made me do them. He made me treat myself to something every day, even if it was just something like buy myself a cream cake or have a relaxing bath. Self care basically as I wasn't doing it because of low self esteem. He got me to see that i was worthy to receive love from another person, that i was more than what my childhood had taught me and that i had the tools inside me to deal with it. Anyway, lots more but it really did help.

Oh sweetheart I'm too tired to write full reply but I agree with the above poster. I had a horrible childhood and have huge abandonment, rejection and low self esteem issues. I'm in therapy at the moment and feel I'm making some huge shifts in terms of understanding myself, my behaviours and reactions

I have similar issues. What helped me :
-Acknowledge this and therefore accept sometime I’ll have ‘I’ll be abandoned’ feeling and it is not real.
-build a life so that if leaves I’ll be absolutely fine. This mostly includes my own friends and financial independence.

• lastly, it helped me that it has actually happened to me - I was “abandoned” (bf left me out of the blue with no reason) and I’m actually okay now, I am incredibly happy, in a really amazing relationship, I am thriving. So even if someone abandons me know, I KNOW that I’ll be absolutely fine.

Good luck x

I thinkn the previous poster is right, counseling would help you.

I haven't had abandonment issues so can't comment on that aspect but what I would say is.... have you spoken to him about this? Does he know this is how you feel? My concern is that you are withdrawing from him when he's working with these other women then it may become self-fulfilling. And if he doesn't know why you are withdrawing then he may think you are losing interest in him? But if he knows then he can give you the reassurance that you need. At the end of the day, you can never totally predict how another person will act... but if you have open communication where you share your concerns and fears, you can build a supportive relationship where the risk that he will leave is minimised.

Thanks for the responses. One positive is I am much, much better at not letting these emotions impact my behaviour now, compared to say 5 years ago. I'm more able to separate the two.

In response to the last reply we do talk about it, yes. Just as he is honest I am able to be very honest too and he is ok with that. He recognises that mostly it's my own issues I'm bringing to this current situation but will also accept when he's behaved in a way which is unhelpful, which has happened sometimes. He's really insightful and a helpful person to talk to.

I struggle with it in the moment is all. I don't want to bring it to him every single time. I'm much better at admitting how I felt and talking about it after the fact if that makes sense. E.g. the other evening he was on the phone to the women he is currently working with for about 45 minutes. I'm sure the conversation was relevant, she does tend to go to him for advice that's outside of (but related to) his area of expertise, but it's not just chatting iyswim. But it just made me feel this weird numb feeling, like I knew I felt bad but couldn't name the emotion, it was all foggy. I don't really feel very comfortable going to him with that in the moment because 1)What on earth is he meant to do with that information and 2)I don't want him to feel bad or guilty for doing something not unreasonable. It feels like such a deep and in some ways overblown reaction to something so mundane that to share it would be to bring this huge intensity to a situation that doesn't warrant it.

I don't think I'm afraid of being alone, almost the opposite, I feel like I'd rather be alone because that's safer. The replies have got me wondering if that's just a defensive masking of fear of being alone? Who knows. I agree counselling is really what I need to do. Don't much fancy that over Zoom though.

I really appreciate you guys taking the time to reply sorry for rambling here

Also meant to say @feelinglost1919 I'm sorry that happened to you. How amazing you successfully moved on and are able to use that situation to feel positive about yourself. That's such an achievement.

I also think there's definitely something to both accepting that's something that could happen where I'm left and also recognising a lot of the time the feeling is just a feeling.

It's hard though that when I imagine him leaving there's a level of relief? Even though I would be absolutely heartbroken and beside myself, I know I would, at the same time imagining it feels a bit like when you need to be sick and you finally are, a sense of well at least that impending doom and trepidation is over now. Don't know if that makes any sense.