dh and i are drifting apart what do i do

[jaynel]

Here goes, ive been with my dh for almost 7 years and married for 2 1/2 we used to be so loving and spend a lot of time together and had a lot of sex, now we barely kiss or say we love eachother, ive asked him to move out so we can sort our heads out and start afresh but he wont leave, he says he loves me, but he doesnt show it, he loves the kids but does really spend much time with them. we have a ds 2.5 together and he has a 10 dd and i had a 9 dd, we find it very hard to get on with eachothers children which is the main source but we never have any money, i dont know what to do anymore. im so unhappy, i dont know if i love him anymore, all i want is the love back and my sex drive, i want to be able to go out once a month and let our hair down be husband and wife not mum and dad, im so depressed, i feel like im thinking about other people, that i dont even really like, it feels like we are more just a habit now. what can i do to bring the spark back or is it to late??

Hi jayne

No it's not too late. Not too late at all.

I hope you don't mind me saying but you do seem to be hingeing a lot of your happiness on your relationship, something a lot of us do when we have very little going on in our lives other than our partner and children.

You do sound very depressed and lost at the moment. Do you have any interests of your own, something just for you that gives you a focus other than your partner?

I really don't think leaving your partner will make you any happier. I think if you could feel more fulfilled within yourself it would be a good first step x

Could you arrange for a friend or relative to babysit on a regular basis so you and your husband can have some time alone together? We struggled to find time for each other after our daughter was born, with my husbnd working overtime and my stepson staying with us at the weekend. For the last few weeks my mother in law has been coming round for a couple of hours one evening a week so we can go for a quiet drink and actually chat. Sometimes we consider cancelling and staying in if we're tired or not in the mood but we make ourselves go out and it does us the world of good. Even if just once a month it might help.

thats what we both want but we never have any money and his dd is very hard work so my family will babysit at a push but i know they dont want to and i dont want to be a burden. his parents would do it bit my dk get pushed out as his dd is her favourite, im just craving his love, i know i need to give it to him but because of my previous relationships i find it hard to go first, im sorry if i sound petty, i just so down right now. if we didnt have the dk we would be great together but they are not going anywhere and they will always come first to me

You say you are craving his love but, if you are as depressed and as miserable as you say you are then it's not a very good invitation to be loving is it?

Also, maybe your dp is waiting for you to make the first move. Maybe he recognises that you are depressed and feels you are a bit unapproachable at the moment.

Why don't you surprise him with a nice meal, get dressed up, nice underwear etc take the bull by the horns and seduce him!

i would love to be able to do that and he always wants sex, but i cant, i know its wrong but it feels dirty and i feel stupid when i try to get the courage to seduce him, when we do have it its a quick wambam thank u mam, so i think is that it, its not worth it.

has sex always been like this for you or just recently?

Would you say you have a low self esteem? Do you like yourself, your body?

I just wonder if it is your self esteem that holds you back.

So, you crave his love, is that just cuddles and kisses you crave then, not actual love making?

Has something happened to make you feel like this Jayne1? What has changed since the days when you were having sex all the time? What now makes you feel sex is dirty?

could you start saving, start a little pot where you put odd pound coins and any other change, and then hire a babysitter - not a family member because that's too complicated and you'll feel guilty - and have a nice evening out together? Like you say, you need to see each other as man and wife and not just mum and dad. I think it would do you the world of good to get a bit dressed up and go out together, even just once to start with. I am sure your 'lovelife' would improve too. Good luck xx

its always been like it but more recently, i have very low self esteem, i have put on weight since ive had my son, i dont like myself at all, he says im not fat and ugly he says im lovely but it makes me worse because i know his lying. i am craving it all, i would love to be a forward person (like billie Piper's new programme) but i just cat do it. when we do have sex and we are kissing, if he gets into it to much i have to back off cos i feel clostrophobic sorry cant spell!
am i really sad?

thats sounds good but when we do put money aside for us, we end up using it for shopping or something stupid. its crazy because we both work and we get a good wage but we have a lot of outgoings.

No you are not sad. You are just very low and because of this you seem to be pushing your partner away.

He seems really lovely and caring also, he must be very patient and uderstanding. He most likely isn't lying when he tells you that you are lovely, he loves you for who you are, he loves you for the person you are, not for the extra weight you carry.

I think you would see a massive improvement if you concentrated on yourself for a while. Made yourself feel special. Eat healthily, take some exercise, put a bit of makeup on. Anything to make yourself feel better. You will start to feel more postive then in turn more attractive and more able to make love to your partner.

If you want the love and affection you crave then you are going to have to put in a little work to get it

oh dear just made my make up smug, i know he loves me but his just got fed up of showing it and getting nothing back, i do agree with what you say, but when i try and dont get anywhere it anoys me so i give up. im juat on a vioius circle that i cant get off. He is the only person thats ever loved me and i cant stop pushing him away. do you think i should see someone?

Bless you. I really feel for you. It's so difficult when we dislike ourselves to believe that anyone can actually like us, let alone love us.
I can sense by your posts that you are a lovely, caring person, you are just a little at a loss of what to do. You are not, mad, sad, or silly or any of the things you have called yourself on here. You are just desperate for a solution to your problems.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and everything be good for you but, unfortunately I can't. the bottom line is that there is only you that can do something about this, only you can change your situation.
I would suggest that from today you start looking after yourself, and don't quit!! Just think of all the benefits you are going to get from feeling better about yourself. You will be able to free yourself from your misery!

I don't think it would do you any harm to visit your doctor and tell him/her how you are feeling. Maybe he can suggest some kind of support or counselling tht will help with your self esteem. He may offer you antidepressents too which may give you enough of a lift to be able to make a start on improving your self esteem.

But, please don't be so hard on yourself. There are a lot of ladies who have been where you are today and felt just the same way. There is light at the end of the tunnel, i promise you

thank you so much timeforme, its nice to talk to someone who will listen to me, i just pray things work out before its to late. x

You are welcome Jayne1

I am happy to help you anyway I can. Please feel free to CAT me if you want to contact me outside MN

I hope it all works out for you. I'm sending you lots of love and good wishes xx