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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Rant alert! Needy Colleague!

7 replies

HappyFeet2021 · 03/11/2020 22:43

Hi All :)

Not sure if I am expecting many responses or if I have come here simply for a rant, but I am completely fed up with dealing with a self centred, obsessive and overly intense work colleague!

I feel like a complete bitch because this is a woman who has no outside of work social life or hobbies and so desperately wants work colleagues to be besties with. But she is completely self centred and needs constant reassurance and communication. She is so unbelievably intense and a huge part of her conversation topics are around bitching about other people at work, which i really CBA with!

The main issues are that the conversation is 95% about her. I've been so understanding but it is exhausting and draining. Other people have distanced themselves from this person for the same reasons, which is sad but also understandable. I wanted to help her so she is happier outside of work and finds some friends / love interests away from the workplace, but she just doesn't seem to want to try!

It makes me feel so guilty but with a busy life, friends and a baby on the way, I just do not have time for a one way friendship with someone from work. Due to family commitments, my husband and I barely see our actual friends! Besides spelling it out (which would be incredibly awkward as we work together), I have reduced responses that aren't on email or actual work topics and avoided meeting up.

It is just not what I need right now!!!

How do I even tell her to back off?

Rant over.

OP posts:
Yeahmetoo · 03/11/2020 22:52

I've been in similar situations, depends what she will respond best to. Is she asking to meet up outside of work? If so I'd explain that as you spend a lot of time at work together you try and use time outside of work to catch up with people who you don't see every day. Or that you and your husband tend to / have agreed to socialise together more with mutual friends as you've really let that slide over the last couple of years... blah blah... but make it a no. Keep saying it if needs be. "Sorry, I really can't, I don't have enough spare time to meet the friends I don't see every day at work, I hope you understand"

BlackCatsRule88 · 03/11/2020 22:57

I am in a very similar position so watching with interest!

MrsClatterbuck · 03/11/2020 23:03

Surely lockdown puts paid to any outside contact also I would use your maternity leave as a cut off point to distance yourself. You can't help her if she is not open to suggestions. She has to be willing to change. Please don't feel guilty as this is all on her.

EarthSight · 03/11/2020 23:08

You can deal with this but you have to be ready to deal with the response.

If she's really bad, I would either change the subject, and if she changes it back again, say 'Can we talk about something else?'. If she's talking whilst you are working, say that you need to concentrate in what you're doing and need a bit of quiet. If she's trying to tag along with you during lunch (awkward), say you need alone time as you need a bit of a breather during your day to collect your thoughts, chill-out and come back recharged from your lunch.

It's not good for you to feel stressed around her like that. If it really comes to it, I'm afraid you might just have to say you don't want to talk about her favourite topics quite as much as she does as you find it draining.

IrenetheQuaint · 03/11/2020 23:12

I'd focus on closing down her bitching about other colleagues first - try bland responses like "oh, I quite like her actually". That may in itself be enough to put her off you!

HappyFeet2021 · 03/11/2020 23:21

Thanks all for responding - honestly thought it would just be me ranting!
I mean lockdown 2.0 gives me a perfect excuse (cowardly way out Grin) of seeing her outside of work. The crazy thing is, is by working from home since March the constant need for my attention has been worse! Every means of communication used, if I am 'away' or 'offline' for a little while it is being bombarded on text! If it was a man I had been on a date with they would have been blocked Blush

OP posts:
Swaning · 04/11/2020 13:01

Hey OP

I think youre being walked over a bit here.
I would strongly urge you to look at your boundaries. You know she is oversteppimg yours, but youre allowing it, out of... pity?

I would use the "grey rock" technique here (google it) as others have suggested. Ignore, become very boring, and fade away. Very delayed & boring responses.

I feel for you, but you are making a rod by not asserting your boundaries. Take control back and stop being walked over.

Harsh ted talk over x

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