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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What should I do now?

23 replies

whatshouldidonow · 21/10/2004 10:55

My husband had an affair a while ago. It was messy, and he pretty much lied about the whole thing. It took contacting the other woman to get some of the details, but I never got all of them. He was living away for work, and honestly there is no way of me ever knowing what happened because he won't tell me. I have had a persistent infection in my female parts. I asked my gp to check it out, and she told me it was most likely thrush, even after I told her of my husband's affair. I saw 2 other gps in the same practice and they never asked me to do a swab. I am not originally from here, so I wasn't sure what I should do. Well I recently went for my pap smear, and told the nurse my symptoms, and she did a bunch of swabs and it turns out I have Clamidia. And I am angry on so many levels, the fact that it took the nurse to take me seriously, the fact that my husband lied and continues to lie(I called him and said you need to be honest with me. Did you use protection, did your ck touch her **) no no no I am so angry and just want to leave the bastard but we have 2 kids and leaving means the I will have to leave the country.

OP posts:

cupcakes · 21/10/2004 10:58

Oh god! That's awful! I don't blame you for wanting to leave him. I imagine there must be some legal technicality re staying in the country - what if he officially left you?
Hope somebody who knows these things comes on soon.

Mum2girls · 21/10/2004 11:04

You've been treated diabolically by this man - I hope it doesn't offend you, but he really does sound like the scum of the earth.

I'm no expert in any of the areas you speak of, but my immediate advice would be to contact the Citizens Advice Bureau and get some advice about your options, were you to leave him.

Do you have any family/friends support?

bonniej · 21/10/2004 11:08

I have been told by someone but not sure how true it is that you can get Clamydia anyway without it having to be sexually transmitted. As I said I'm not an expert on this at all and it is just something someone who had it told me. Something to look into before you leave him for this. Hope things get better for you soon xx

tammybear · 21/10/2004 11:17

Is clamidia same thing as chlamydia? If so it's a sexually transmitted disease unfortunately. Do you want to leave him whatshouldidonow or is it just through anger? Or if he was willing to be honest with you about the affair and try to work things out with you, would you stay?

tammybear · 21/10/2004 11:18

Oh and why would you have to leave the country if you did leave him, if you don't mind me asking?

spikeycat · 21/10/2004 11:24

What a shit!

I can not believe your GP ignored what you said! Years ago an ex BF had a fling on the side, but confessed when he was having trouble "down stairs" and went to a sexual health clinic and they told him he had caught it. Needless to say we spilt, I went to a clinic and was tested for everything, the clap, aids etc, it turned out I didn't even have his clamidia...
I can not understand why your gp did not take you seriously, and would strongly say that you should complain to who ever you can. In the mean time I would contact the citizens advice regarding staying in the UK - R your kids british nationals? That may put a different slant on it??

bonniej · 21/10/2004 11:25

I'm sorry I got it wrong. Maybe the person who I knew wanted to believe it was not only a sexually transmitted disease.

Original poster

whatshouldidonow · 21/10/2004 11:27

This one affair (that I know about) happened 1.5 years ago.

It is an STI, and I am now booked in to have full tests including hiv tests.

I would like to go home because I am not from here, I know no one here. I don't work, I have no friends. I left a tight knit community with lots of friends and family to come here to be with my husband as this was where he wanted to live(with actually very little consideration of what is best for the whole family.) and I was tired of being here before this new information was found out. I just am devistated as I have been trying very hard to make my marriage work because I believe it is best for children to be raised by both parents. I also feel that if I move it will destroy my children's relationship with their father as I do not see him moving too, I see him staying here. And quite frankly I find it hard to have to expose my children to a lieing cheat.

I called an an advice line and they said this STI is only from unprotected intercourse, which he denies having. Should I believe him who has lied to me in the past or the health perfessionale(that is a retorical question!)_

OP posts:

Original poster

whatshouldidonow · 21/10/2004 11:31

None of us are UK citizens so we are don't have access to public funds and I assume free advice. He would let me take the kids, I know that much. I am angry because I never wanted to be a single mother, am having my dream of being a stay at home mother dashed. I am just feeling very angry and depressed and sad for not only myself but my children. And that my husband can't be honest with me. I am honest, and I also can see why affairs happen. I have tried to work things through because I believe that marriages can survive them. But continual lying is just unforgivable in my book and makes me question if there is a string of woman I don't know about.

OP posts:

tammybear · 21/10/2004 11:32

whatshouldidonow, im a single parent, and i grew up without my dad around, and i didnt want that for my dd, but at the end of the day i knew i had to do what was best for me and dd, after all if the mother isnt happy, how can the child be? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but as you're married, your dh has parental responsibilty, which means you will have to get his permission to take the children back to your country if that is what you really want to do. And you cannot try to fix your marriage if your dh is not willing to be truthful to you, as it takes the two of you to fix it. Oh dear whatshouldidonow, Im sorry that this has happened to you. xxx

bonniej · 21/10/2004 11:34

I don't really have any helpful advice I'm afraid I just feel really sorry that you are going through this . I think you do need to be somewhere where you have a support network of friends and family xxx

tammybear · 21/10/2004 11:36

Posts crossed

It may not apply to you if you both arent from the UK, and also if he is willing to let you take the children away. It is a good idea to be able to go back to nearer your family and friends, as they will be good support for you. xxx

ripley · 21/10/2004 14:23

You poor poor thing. Well you have your absolute proof that he had unprotected sex. When are you going to tell him about the infection? Maybe if you sit him down and said 'righ this is your last chance to tell me the truth. I have absolute proof that yo did have unprotected sex...' and go into what you have found out from the doctor. He is lying because he thinks that by doing that he is protecting the marriage and you from what he has done (oh and because he is a coward). You have to tell him that unless he does tell the truth there can be no future in the marriage. There is nothing wrong with being a single parent btw. It just matters what kind of parent you are. It's much healthier for a child to have a hppy parent than to have two unhappy ones. I am married and also believe that both parents should be there, but believe me, if my husband did to me what yours did to you I would be gone like a flash and he knows that. If you had such a lovely network set up overseas then I am sure that you could get back into it. You sound so unhappy - is there anyone in real life that you can lean on?

Original poster

whatshouldidonow · 21/10/2004 18:20

I have asked him to tell me the truth and he insists that he used protection and only "did" it once. But as he lied to me for months once I was suspicious, I feel that I can't trust him. I am very lonely, and don't feel that I can share this information with anyone, just my very best friend. It makes me feel dirty, and I am worried as the infection has gone on for a long, long time there is a chance it has developed into something else...I just feel like I never thought this would happen to me, and I just think of all the people who think they have an honest spouse. I think my case shows that one never knows. I just hope I don't test positive for anything else.

OP posts:

WigWamBam · 21/10/2004 18:30

Chlamydia can take a long while to show any symptoms, so it could have come from longer ago than 1.5 years. It could have been from a previous affair, or either of you could have picked it up from previous partners.

I'm so sorry that things are so bad at the moment, and I hope all your other test results come back clear. Thinking of you.

Original poster

whatshouldidonow · 21/10/2004 18:56

but I was tested before, when I was pregnant. Can it not come up for years even if tested?

OP posts:

WigWamBam · 21/10/2004 19:01

Sorry, I didn't realise you had been tested before, I thought you said they wouldn't do it before. If that's the case then he's a liar as well as a cheat as it would have shown up before, yes.

Slink · 21/10/2004 19:06

How long have you been married??? which country are you from??? and go and see the citizen advice beruea of get legal advice.

The above does matter i know in reference to young people but it is a start good luck what a nasty man hope the other cow has an infection too and stuffering

good luck

Original poster

whatshouldidonow · 21/10/2004 19:12

My GP wouldn't do it here, but I have had tests run with each of my pregnancies back home in California. I have been married 7 years, we have been together 9.

OP posts:

2wildbabies · 21/10/2004 19:56

hi hun, sorry for what has happened to you.

Firstly, after dh's affair....have things improved between you? Do you think it is worth working at now?

If so, sit him down, and have a quiet chat about how serious this std is. He needs to realise that if he has had unprotected sex then he has to get tested himself as he obviously has it(doesn't really show up on men!) also he needs to inform any partner of the std as they need to be tested and treated too. This is not the time for him to be telling lies.

I hope you get things sorted.

bigs hugs xxxxxx

Chandra · 22/10/2004 13:08

I was sure I have posted in this thread before but it seems I didn't press the enter button as I can't find what I said here or in any of the other threads, but well, here it goes again.

If i ever divorced DH I would be happy to be back to my country as I would have more support from family and friends than what I have here (I'm very shy so building relationships at this age and without any regular activity has been technically impossible), but I understand that after living here for a while you will find that UK is now your home or you may be preventing your children from seeing their father (though given the circumstances I'm not quite sure if I will be interested in helping him to keep in touch with his kids at my health/emotional expense). If you have lived legally in England for more than 4 yrs, you may be entitled to stay, even if you divorce your DH.

And finally, don't get your feelings block your thoughts, if you are going to leave him, leave him but do it when the time is more convenient for you. Hope it helps..

Original poster

whatshouldidonow · 22/10/2004 13:59

Thanks for that Chandra, I did see your other message(I managed to post 5 different threads on the same subject!) I think that bit of advice, to leave when I am ready is a good one, as right now I have no way of making money and my husband makes a lot, so moving now would be hard for me financially. I went to the sexual health clinic today, and they were great, very helpful and informative and supportive, I wish my GP office could be like that(to be fair the last doctor I saw was great, but he hadn't been working there very long)

I would love to hear what other people would do in my situation. And I would just like to urge anyone who has had an affair or if your spouse has had an affair to please get checked out. Chlamydia can go years with no sypmtoms and it can lead to terrible health problems(like arthritis and infirtility) and the numbers have grown in the UK in the last 10 years, they think a huge percentage of the population has it.

OP posts:

turquoise · 23/10/2004 00:18

whatshouldidoknow you have all my sympathy for this bstrd landing you in such a situation. I think, since you ask, I would leave him as the sheer selfishness of not even bothering to have safe sex would be almost worse than the lying and deceit in the first place, but obviously with children it is hard enough, never mind your residency situation.
The main thing i wanted to say though was please do go to your CAB if you want to, you said:
"None of us are UK citizens so we are don't have access to public funds and I assume free advice"

the CAB will certainly see you and help you regardless.

Flip