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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Coping with a narcissist

24 replies

thecatsarecrazy · 03/11/2020 13:04

Ok I got myself into a bit of a ridiculous situation..
In august I got talking to a man online, it was just a bit of flirting and from my point of view I wasn't really taking it seriously. I didn't think he was either.
We swapped numbers though and started to whatsapp. It got a bit much, he would message all the time, phone and try to facetime. I posted about it on here under a thread about love bombing and asked if these were signs. People said then that he sounded crazy and I should block him.
I didn't though, I guess I liked the attention too much. We met in person in September, 2 days before my birthday. He drove from Yorkshire to Devon to meet. During the drive he said his boss called and he would be on call out so wouldn't be able to stay long. We had a coffee, a quick kiss and cuddle and away he went.
With me what normally happens is I never see hear from anyone I meet again so expected the same. He stayed in touch though, phone calls continued every day and messages.
A few weeks ago the L bomb was dropped. The messages carried on but now I can see that its all typical narcissist behaviour. Every selfie he sends he wants me to say something, he spends all his money on expensive clothes, he hated his job because everyone was a dick head and he was the only one who could do it, he phones sometimes while driving and is always shouting and swearing.
Last week he was meant to be starting a new job. He went for training but failed the medical. He phoned me upset, but also very angry I tried to support him but only so much I can do. He is now out of a job and skint. I've at least not been stupid enough to offer any money not that I have much.
When I do message him or we talk on the phone its always about him, he never responds to anything I say, never asks about me other than what you up to, how are you.

The messages lately have become less with bigger gaps, yesterday he accused me of being moody. I said he had been cold and he said so was I. Today has been the icing though, I tweeted out morning world, a couple of hours later I just got morning. No kiss or pleasantries. I asked what was wrong and he had the hump because I said morning on twitter first and not to him. Other than just blocking him on everything what can I do? Its obvious its all just been a game to him. I'm trying not to get upset but I'm so drained by it all.

OP posts:
StartingAgainat31 · 03/11/2020 13:14

Just end it my darling. It won't get any better. I ended my marriage with my narc ex in May. It almost destroyed me.

Bunnymumy · 03/11/2020 13:19

I'll bet. I'm drained just reading this lol.
I actually think just blocking might be the best move. 'This clearly usnt working for rotherham of us anymore. So all the best and cheerio'. Then block asap.

He doesnt know where you live right?

Bunnymumy · 03/11/2020 13:20

Lmao *for either of us

thecatsarecrazy · 03/11/2020 13:27

Sorry it was long, I just wanted to paint the whole picture. He knows more about me than I would like

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 03/11/2020 13:29

You can’t “cope” with someone like this, you just block them and forget they ever existed

Bunnymumy · 03/11/2020 13:43

Yeah it's always a crappy situation when you feel exposed like this having told them more than you probably should have. But all the more reason to be really firm with them.

ilikemethewayiam · 03/11/2020 13:54

Text to tell him it’s not working for you, you’re not compatible, then block everywhere. What other choice do you have? He’s a horrible angry man. He’s already started the devaluing phase and he will make your life increasingly miserable from this point on.

somelemons · 03/11/2020 14:16

Oh my word, life's too short for all that nonsense. He got annoyed with you because you went on twitter before saying good morning to him?

Just dump the guy. Smile

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/11/2020 14:26

Would strongly suggest you dump him now

You wil be further subjected to the idealise, devalue and discard cycle otherwise.

Woui · 03/11/2020 15:19

I remember your other post.

What is stopping you from just blocking him or telling him it isn't working out (and then blocking him?).

thecatsarecrazy · 03/11/2020 15:23

He knows my full name. I have read so much about it and know they don't like you dropping them. I'm worried he might do something nasty. He was married briefly and of course he still says nasty stuff about her. 7 plus years later. Everything was her fault etc

OP posts:
LumpyPillow · 03/11/2020 16:04

Don't worry about the 'what ifs'. I know it can feel scary, but it will feel much scarier years down the line if you keep it going. He won't like it of course, but you are not his possession. Just say you've had enough and don't give him a whiff of fear. Be confident.

End it, block everywhere or protect and private your accounts and move on. Lockdown is upon us, you have that.

And no matter how much you are tempted by his 'sorrys' or how much you like the attention, remember it wasn't fulfilling or healthy attention, it was never about you. It was empty and it never felt right anyway.

But most of all, let go of the what ifs. Protect your privacy and his ways to contact you as best you can and never look back.

Bunnymumy · 03/11/2020 16:09

He can do literally nothing with your name lol.

If you end things quick and clean he will just move on to the next target. But if you show him weakness (compromise or kindness) he will be more likely to try to target you. You basically have to take no shit. Backing away nicely from these sorts will not do you any good.

Eckhart · 03/11/2020 16:16

He knows my full name. I have read so much about it and know they don't like you dropping them. I'm worried he might do something nasty. He was married briefly and of course he still says nasty stuff about her. 7 plus years later. Everything was her fault etc

The only alternative is to stay with him. End it, lock him, move on. He sounds like more of a self obsessed prat than a narcissist, really.

What are you scared he'll do?

Eckhart · 03/11/2020 16:16

*block him, move on

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 03/11/2020 16:31

Keep your dumping message very brief, unemotional and factual. Say nothing that gives him room to argue. If you say "you're too needy for me" you will hurt his pride and make him more likely to harass you in an attempt to "prove" you wrong/unfair/a bitch.

I'd go with something like "Sorry but this just isn't working for me. All the best for the future, Cats." The less you say, the less he can try to argue with. As soon as you've sent it, block him on everything. All social media, email, phone(s), everything. If you met him on a dating site, I'd suggest coming off it and using a different one, with different photos.

It's a blessing that hd lives so far away - as long as you keep it bland and don't respond to anything he sends, the sheer distance will hopefully mean he won't be bothered with causing trouble.

Woui · 03/11/2020 16:45

What is it you think he might do with a name ? As a previous poster said - its great he is so far away.

Just do it OP. Don't chance getting sucked in further to this.

IncandescentSilver · 03/11/2020 18:18

If he's good looking, you could use him fur the sex? Because when you start to lose interest, he will naturally gravitate towards finding someone else!

Annoying though they are, narcissists are predictable. They need a lot of feeding (attention) but once you learn what they respond to (start every sentence with "you") you can sort of manipulate them. Tend to be sexually promiscuous and cheat though.

My one had 3 life size, specially commissioned, hand painted, portraits of himself!

thecatsarecrazy · 04/11/2020 06:59

3 life size portraits 😂 that made me laugh.
As soon as I learnt about love bombing and recognised he was doing it, I watched YouTube videos, googled it then went on to read everything I could about narcissists so I was ready. He's following the pattern. Lovely long messages at the beginning, saying all the right things, me telling him how great he is. Then If he sent a picture and I didn't coment he would say, you didn't say much about that. He doesn't respond to anything at all I say. Like on Sunday I said I had my dad and brother visiting. His response was to send me a load of pictures of him getting in the shower. Yesterday I said I had just been on my exercise bike. No response. Then in the afternoon he days he's been on his bike and done 27 miles. If he was Local I might be happy with sex and just let it faze out. I've been there before with someone who I know but with him living miles away it's all pointless isn't it really. Life's too short for these silly games.

OP posts:
litterbird · 04/11/2020 16:53

I really would implore you to stop this relationship now. Just a quick message to say that you don't think this is working. Good luck with your next search and goodbye. Then block everything. I am hoping he does not know where you live or has any further details. Block on any social media as they tend to come at you with fake profiles too.

Mikeymoo12 · 04/11/2020 21:15

Sounds like my ex also from Yorkshire! would definitely dump and block as no doubt you will get bombarded as well when you do dump

Griefmonster · 04/11/2020 21:34

Dump him, block him, move on.

If you are not able to decisively follow these steps, then you really need some support with managing your boundaries. You may be someone who has been conditioned to prioritise other people's happiness and comfort over your own. If that is true of you, it makes you very susceptible to coercive control and abuse.

Dump, block, move on. Or get help to do so.

xsquared · 04/11/2020 22:19

You can't just "cope" with a narcissist.

One last message to say it's not working and then block. You are not responsible for his feelings so don't delay just to avoid upsetting him.

It's probably part of his manipulation tactic to keep you hooked in.

xsquared · 04/11/2020 22:19

I echo with the poster about working on your boundaries. If you are uncomfortable with anything, then it's a sign of your boundaries being weakened.

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