Doubts about paternity

[Jonnn]

A few weeks ago I noticed in the internet browser search history that my partner had been looking at some guys facebook account. The thing is the guy and his son on the facebook pictures look really like our 4 year old son.
Since then I've been having trouble sleeping, and I can't think clearly.
Would appreciate some ideas/advice on how to handle this situation.
Up until then, I totally trusted my partner. Obviously I need a dna test, should I do it in secret? Is that possible? I keep doubting myself and wondering what to do.
I'm worried if a do a test and he's not mine, what I would do as I love him very much.
Sorry if I'm not supposed to post being a man, I don't know any other relevant advice forums.

I would be interested to know why she was looking at that particular person anyway, never mind anything else. It does sound fishy.

What a weird thread, I often look at strangers on Facebook as I find other people intriguing, eg someone comments on an news article and I find their comment really stupid, I'll then look at their Facebook page to see what type of life they have. It doesn't mean they are the father of my son!

I don't know OP, babies and kids can look alike. At my sons day care, in his class of 15, one of them could be his brother and two more could be his cousins.

@jonnn, You've probably realised that as a man every problem in your relationship is your fault. To be asked on here are you worried you DP has cheated on you because you have cheated on her therefore giving her justification should give you the measure of bias on MN.
As a man I would say that if your DP has given you any cause to be suspicious then you may require a DNA test. There are many, many men who are raising a child they did not father but have been given the impression by the mother that the child is theirs.
Unfortunately it is a fact of life that men cheat on women women cheat on men and same sex partners cheat as well. I would say that on the basis of probability that your son is yours but the chances of you not being the father fall around 17% according to a recent study.
I don't know your relationship history but would recommend obtaining a test before telling your DP of your suspensions. It means if you do decide to confront her you will have facts on your side rather than doubts.

@Sacredspace

The proportion of men unwittingly raising children who aren’t biologically theirs is huge! So I don’t think OP necessarily has mental health problems at all. Now that’s a jump!

Agree with this. If a woman had posted she would’ve been encouraged to get the DNA test tonight! and LTB tomorrow!

I would agree with @Suzi888. When I was pregnant I was told I needed an anti d injection. Due to me knowing my DH blood group I knew I didn't need one but the midwife was really firm and said she didn't want to question me but in our area covered by the hospital, up to 20% of babies were likely to have fathers who were not the mothers partner...ie they have cheated. I was staggered and yes I know it's possible but if I was the OP i would be getting a DNA test.

This is especially so as we found out that a good friend of my DH fathered a child who is literally weeks younger than his eldest son. Whilst the child is a girl, the likeness is incredible

Two of my nieces could almost be twins they are so similar.

Maybe the man and child are related to your dp.

What other suspicions do you have that have led you to thinking this? Are you aware of this man in her past? Also i would say 4 year old boys can look very similar....

I don’t think the OP is mentally ill. If he is suspicious he has grounds to get a DNA test. My DH has a younger step brother whose dad may not be his dad (they both share different fathers and there’s 15 years difference between them). His mother was sleeping around, fell pregnant and admitted to DH she didn’t know who the father was so just chose the bloke she liked best. They separated a few years later and TBH his brother doesn’t look anything like his father so I suspect he’s not his. I think it happens a lot more than we realise. There was a thread on MN about someone who send off a DNA sample on Ancestry to trace her family tree and discovered she had a half sibling on there!

If literally the only piece of evidence you have that a child isn't yours is that your DP once looked at the Facebook profile of someone who resembles your child, I think it's a huge, huge leap to get a DNA test, yes. It's one thing if you already suspected something or this person is a known friend and you went through a rough patch around that time etc. But, hell, Boris Johnson strongly resembles my youngest (according to my mother anyway, thanks for that DM) and I'm damn sure I never slept with him.

I echo @Suzi888 if it was a women she wouldn't be called mentally ill it would be get the dna test ASAP . Plus really rude to bring someone's MH into question for having a genuine thought then we all must be nuts!

Only on MN are women told to trust their instincts when suspicion arises and men are told they are mentally ill.

Yes I would do a dna test in secret if I were in your place

@5pForAPlasticBag

Only on MN are women told to trust their instincts when suspicion arises and men are told they are mentally ill.

Personally I've never told a woman to trust her instincts on very flimsy evidence. And I'd tell a woman she was mad if she jumped to such a huge conclusion from a standing start too. MN isn't a hive mind, of course it's not internally consistent.

Do a dna test in secret. If he’s yours then never think of it again. If he’s not then she has some questions to answer.

After reading some posts I have started to question my own judgement, I am still stressed, not eating and not sleeping properly. I had a telephone appointment with my doctor about this and she has given me a prescription for tablets for this anxiety and to calm me down I guess.

Regarding some of your questions, it was the likeness of this man's child to our son and the very similar features this man and his son shared with our 4 year old. I instantly saw the likeness and the adrenalin and stress started.
I don't know who the man is, he is not on her facebook friends list.
My partner did work long hours and go out with friends at time of conception but it didn't seem suspicious.
I might decide on whether to do the dna test in secret later, when I have been taking the tablets for a while, and maybe then my mind will not be all over the place.

If you can get a paternity test, then do it.
It's really not that uncommon and probably worth doing I'd you're uncertain at all.
That said, maybe she checked the profile precisely because of the resemblance to her family?