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Original poster

Would you consider this reaction from OH odd or normal?

28 replies

OldSlipper · 03/11/2020 12:23

My OH has not asked me anything about a health condition I was found to have in a appointment (four months ago). Two months later the condition had got worse and surgery was mooted.
Doctor advised nothing exertive and no sex.
OH is either unconcerned or has forgotten and has not said a word. I went for another check last week but see no point in telling him the results (which were good) unless he asks.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 03/11/2020 12:26

It doesn't seem like he cares
How's your relationship generally?

ShowingOut · 03/11/2020 12:27

How very odd. It doesn't sound like either of you cares very much for the other?

Mylittlepony374 · 03/11/2020 12:32

It would be extremely weird if it was my husband. He would easily forget a health condition i had (e.g. he saw psoriasis on my body last week and asked what it was despite me having been diagnosed a long time ago) but there is no way he would not ask about one that could possibly require surgery. He would 100% be following up with me if a health condition meant we hadn't had sex for 2 months. So yes, I think this is odd.

HollowTalk · 03/11/2020 12:32

Why would you say she doesn't care about him?

Muzzyarker · 03/11/2020 17:21

Doesn't necessarily mean he is unconcerned or has forgotten. When my Gran was diagnosed with a serious illness my Grandfather did not once acknowledge the situation. He did not know how to cope so he behaved as if it wasn't happening, he did care but buried his head. Maybe your OH is doing the same. Glad things are looking positive for youFlowers

1stV45 · 03/11/2020 17:28

My mother is like this. It's not that she doesn't care, it's that illness in the people she loves scares the life out of her and she goes into deep denial.

widespreadpanic · 03/11/2020 17:29

I would say he doesn’t care as I would think if you love someone you would ask them about these things.

My ex never asked how I was after an accident/illness/test results. it just made me feel like he didn’t give a crap if I lived or died. If he really did care it didnt matter because he never showed it.

Cam2020 · 03/11/2020 17:31

It does seem odd to me, but how does he cope with change or worrying things generally? Any hint of ASD?

Dery · 03/11/2020 17:35

Does he act in other ways which suggest he cares? My DH scores low on the asking me about things front but is supportive in other very practical ways. So in your shoes, I would just be telling my DH. It’s great that you’ve had good news but disappointing if your partner just seems not to care.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 03/11/2020 17:38

@ShowingOut

How very odd. It doesn't sound like either of you cares very much for the other?
Eh? Where do you get that impression?
Original poster
OldSlipper · 03/11/2020 20:52

Thanks for the replies...I haven't disappeared.

There is a disconnected side to our relationship..its practical, and after lockdown we discussed separating (because I felt that he didn't love or care for me). I made plans to leave, and then he changed his mind.

If the situation had been reversed I know I would have been asking, not just for updates, but about his well-being and how he's feeling. It wasn't a minor thing but he dismissed and minimised it within two sentences of me telling him the results (the previous ominous ones). I was speechless at the time.

He's not a worrier and I really don't think he's buried it to save himself from facing it.

OP posts:
Original poster
OldSlipper · 03/11/2020 20:55

Should I just ask him outright if he's really bothered?

OP posts:
spongebobscaredypants · 03/11/2020 21:17

Oh this sounds awful.

Yes I would need to ask as I can't bear any elephants in the room as such, however deep down I would be planning for the end of the relationship.

ElspethFlashman · 03/11/2020 21:33

Should I just ask him outright if he's really bothered?

Why? He's NOT bothered. It's not like he's secretly laying awake at night, staring at a darkened ceiling, manfully repressing his true worries like Poldark.

This isn't a hidden depths situation. It's hidden shallows. He just doesn't really think about you that much day to day.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 04/11/2020 05:48

Very odd, I’d expect more from a colleague, let alone a DH

minmooch · 04/11/2020 06:02

Should I just ask him outright if he's really bothered?

I wouldn't bother. He either doesn't care - in which case you need to end the relationship - or does care but is unable to show it which leaves you feeling as though he does not care - same result, you need to end it.

Not sure how long you have been together but he certainly sounds like you don't connect with each other or communicate your needs. It shouldn't be this hard.

Glad you've had good news. If the relationship were right you'd want to share this news with your OH and he'd want to celebrate with you.

Codexdivinchi · 04/11/2020 06:14

OP I’m so glad you had a good outcome.

Yes it’s unusual he didn’t ask. But you’ve said there was a disconnect and you’ve already discussed separating and that he changed his mind - does staying with you make his life easier?

The book ‘Too good to leave too bad too stay’ is brilliant and you can down load it. It’s like a check list whether your marriage is saveable or you’d be happier leaving. It’s written by an family councillor with 40 years experience and I really recommend it.

I realised that ex had checked out years ago as there were several health issues where he emotionally didn’t give a shit but I was too busy to actually realise the true situation.

Muchadoaboutlife · 04/11/2020 08:10

What’s the point in being with somebody that unconcerned. Separate and at least have the chance to find some love

GoldenZigZag · 04/11/2020 08:16

I wouldn't be asking him jackshit, his behaviour speaks volumes.

I would however be leaving him and telling him it is because he is deeply uncaring and I deserve way better.

I show more concern for my colleagues various low level ailments than your husband does for your actual medical condition.

Whatisthisfuckery · 04/11/2020 08:41

You made plans to leave but didn’t because he changed his mind? Why? You don’t need his permission to leave.

Nah OP, he’s not really bothered. He probably only wanted you to stay because he didn’t fancy doing all the housework and stuff you do for himself. What other reason could there be, it’s not like he’s terribly committed to you or the relationship?

I’d be reinstigating my plans to leave if I were you, then I’d leave. Life’s too short to waste on people who are indifferent to you. At least when your single you’re still in the company of somebody who cares about you.

During lockdown me and my ex broke up. It was all quite toxic in the end and we were both quite pissed off with each other. I have spoken to her since and I asked how her medical condition is. I don’t want to be with her, in fact I really don’t like her that much anymore, but I’m still a decent human being.

IJustWantSomeBees · 04/11/2020 10:03

@Whatisthisfuckery

You made plans to leave but didn’t because he changed his mind? Why? You don’t need his permission to leave.

Nah OP, he’s not really bothered. He probably only wanted you to stay because he didn’t fancy doing all the housework and stuff you do for himself. What other reason could there be, it’s not like he’s terribly committed to you or the relationship?

I’d be reinstigating my plans to leave if I were you, then I’d leave. Life’s too short to waste on people who are indifferent to you. At least when your single you’re still in the company of somebody who cares about you.

During lockdown me and my ex broke up. It was all quite toxic in the end and we were both quite pissed off with each other. I have spoken to her since and I asked how her medical condition is. I don’t want to be with her, in fact I really don’t like her that much anymore, but I’m still a decent human being.

This. It doesn't sound like he likes you much.
TiggerDatter · 04/11/2020 10:07

He’s a pretty cold fish by the sound of it, you’re not happy with the disconnect, I can’t see why you pulled out of leaving just because he changed his mind? Time to stop caring about WhatsApp going on in his head, and start taking action to improve your life.

Love51 · 04/11/2020 10:15

Love is a verb, an act of extending beyond yourself and encompassing the beloved. He's not doing this. I'd have a gentle chat and reconsider the leaving/ staying decision.

jessstan1 · 04/11/2020 14:23

@OldSlipper

Should I just ask him outright if he's really bothered?
Yes.

It could be that he doesn't want to put any pressure on you. However, you mentioned other things, talk about separating, so best to find out.

Windmillwhirl · 04/11/2020 14:36

Perhaps he feels if you wanted to talk about it you would have said it to him. Perhaps he is afraid of saying the wrong thing and upsetting you.

Why not just tell him you got good results?