Introducing bf to children.. when?

[velvetveleda]

I am going out with a man for three months .we see each other every second weekend for the weekend and once a week for a few hours otherwise. We live 30 minutes from each other. We are in our late forties . My children.... mid teen, and two preteens live with me bar eow. His child is 7 and he sees her eow.our weekends sync.
My children do not know I am seeing a man.They have been through so much in the last 18 months since I separated. Their Dad has an affair and left .
My close friends and one sibling know that I am seeing him and are delighted but I wonder when it is a good time and how to go about letting children know, and subsequent meeting . I thought that dropping his name into conversation at six months and then introduce after a year all going well.
Is this the normal? They are number one priority of course so I need to make sure they are not damaged further.
I would appreciate your experience or advice .Thanks .

It's three months way too early to be thinking like this. You mentioned 6 months how about when it's at that stage then think about it. For the moment just enjoy your new relationship

Thank you. I thought that the six month mark would be a good idea to start thinking about dropping his name into conversation.

And can I ask how you introduced the idea of your boyfriend and ultimately where and how did you introduce them to one another. Thanks .

I would maybe go out with him on a night your dcs are home and they see you getting ready, they'll ask where you're going and you say you have a date, hopefully they will be curious and ask questions, you can then tell them about him slowly over a few days.

When the time is right I would make introductions somewhere neutral, where there's something going on so so nobody feels uncomfortable and there's no awkward silences.

That sounds like a good idea where I am
Getting ready for a night out .
Perhaps meeting in a neutral place like a park would be easy. Do you advise him bringing his child too?? The first time

You say your kids have been through so much in last 18 months - so I would take the lead from them. Very neutral conversations - you are enjoying having a bit of time to make new friends now, how do they feel if you make new friends, what would they think if you had a boyfriend. I don't think you can fully plan the conversations but see how they feel about people that have got divorced/separated and life moving on. If they are positive about the idea in general then maybe 6 months is a good point at which to introduce this person into conversations... and then again see their reactions and take it from there.
I would say slowly slowly with them - but more importantly i would advise slowly slowly for you. It sounds like its been horrible what your partner did - be careful as you are vulnerable. And this seemingly 'lovely' man - may be very good at acting or he could be lovely, but only time will tell you that... You want to protect your children - but are you also protecting yourself???

Thank you. Yes I am
Vulnerable I guess but my marriage had been dead for years in essence.
I am enjoying his company and as it is a relationship where we can only see each other so rarely, it is exciting and new. Sexually, I had been dead from the waist down for years ...
My attraction to my husband died once I realised I had married a lazy selfish man child . This is like a rediscovery for me now.

I have no intention of moving fast as I like my domestic set up
With my children now for as long as they live at home and won't be upsetting that dynamic, regardless of any man in my life..

I would suggest starting by telling them you are going on dates, no need to say it's serious, but answer their questions truthfully. I introduced early (older teens) as there was no need to pretend (they both had boyfriends). I think you know when a relationship progresses, trust your instinct, and it really is different for everyone, no magic number of months

@velvetveleda

That sounds like a good idea where I am Getting ready for a night out . Perhaps meeting in a neutral place like a park would be easy. Do you advise him bringing his child too?? The first time

hi OP, I'm not sure I'd introduce all the children together, maybe one set first then another another day, that way you're not going to spend the time worrying if the children are getting on at your first introductory meeting

I waited a year.

Ok so maybe meet his child separately first and then mine etc..A year sounds about right.
I really don't want exh to find out too much as we are not yet divorced and the general
Consensus of those that know him , is that he is going to
Hit the roof( for some strange reason?) .
He can be a difficult and awkward man who has been known to throw a strop and down tools in any job if he is made unhappy so I expect our divorce could be difficult if he hears about a new relationship and I need to keep him sweet regarding
Our settlement .

You sound so sensible OP and caring of your DC's feelings.

I like the suggestion of going out to see a friend, ie very casual and let them ask (they may not though as they might not like to think of mummy with a "boyfriend"! m ). But there really is no hurry even for that. You can keep your "going out" private for as long as you can/want too. Slow and steady wins the race.

I think 1 year is a good mark though. By then you yourself will know if its casual or something more serious. 3 months is way too soon, a mistake I made, makes me embarrassed to think about it now. My poor son. But I felt a bit "desperate" to make some kind of successful relationship as by that time in my mid 40s .

And similarly for your ex. The less he knows, for as long as possible, the better! You don't have to creep around, but quiet, low-key, just "a friend/friends" so as little as possible gets back to him. You are in a vulnerable position generally and need to protect yourself and your DC for a while, I'm sure your new b/f would understand that. Just enjoy and have fun, and take some time for just yourself too remember.

just yourself I meant

@velvetveleda

Thank you. I thought that the six month mark would be a good idea to start thinking about dropping his name into conversation.

I agree with waiting until you've been seeing him for six months by which time your children will probably have an idea you have a boyfriend. It needn't be a big deal if you aren't planning on setting up home with him.

Way too early. We waited a year, with them knowing we were serious after 6 months or so.

I wouldn't just casually drop his name into conversation.
When the time is right and you want to let them know I would tell them you had been seeing someone and ask how they felt about it....and then take the conversation and meeting plans from there.

Yes he has not been to visit the town I live in. I go to his village and we stay around that area.
He has said repeatedly that he will
Wait as long as it takes for me to be comfortable being seen out and about with him in my
Town and wait as long as it takes until I want the children know I am seeing someone .He completely understands where I stand on it and because if that I don't feel stressed .
He has been divorced for years so is at the other end of the spectrum for want of a better phrase .
I had months to myself with weekends on my own when the children were gone and I'm enjoying the company now

A friend of mine introduced her kids to her new boyfriend after 3 months. The first time they met him he stayed over for 2 nights with his son. Too soon, and WAY too much in my opinion.
I introduced my kids to someone I was dating about about 4 months and biggest mistake of my life. I would NEVER do that again. I would be waiting even longer than 6 months if there ever is a next time.

I've been in a relationship for 15 months and we haven't yet introduced our kids to it. Mine 10 and 13 and his 11.
Personally I think 3 months is way too soon. Especially if your kids have had a difficult time of it. Whilst you may think you are ready fir them to meet, it's still very early days in your relationship. You don't want to involve them and then expose them to another loss if the relationship doesn't last.
Enjoy your solo time with him, build your relationship and then think about if along the line. I'm still loving our free time together! There's no need to rush it!
HTH