Old flame addiction?

[Lsg1994]

Hi,

when I was younger and in school (13 years old), I was seeing a boy who I really liked.. it ended but not on bad terms. A few years later when I was 17, we met up again, would see each other every weekend, have drunk sex and talk all night, we had an amazing time, again, it ended, not on bad terms.

again a few years later, I had just turned 21, we met up again, same situation, sex, amazing connection (on my part anyway) I would go pick him up from work some nights and drive him home then we would see each other at the weekend, and it was just amazing, I loved being with him. Again, it ended and not on bad terms.

I’m now 26 and heard from him last year, talked about meeting up and having a catch up, but this time we never did as he got in to a relationship and had deleted his social media and changed his number. I heard from him a few months later, he had told me he had been in a bad relationship and had to cut contact with everyone, again said we should meet up, never did as the same thing happened again, he got back with his ex.

my question/problem is, I’ve always had phases where I can’t stop thinking about him, I just want to be able to speak to him/see him. We had an amazing connection, brilliant friendship and amazing sex. basically, it always comes back to him. I’m in a relationship, have been for nearly 4 years, but nothing ever feels good enough after a few months and I always go back to thinking about him.

Is anyone in a similar situation? It’s driving me crazy, I just want it to go away.

Thanks in advance.

“We had an amazing connection, brilliant friendship and amazing sex. basically, it always comes back to him.”

Yes but it never lasted did it? You two had three goes at turning your honeymoon period activities into a proper relationship and it failed every time. Tbh, I’m not surprised it failed first time round (why would a 17yo be dating a 13yo?) but you tried again at 17 and 21 and it didn’t work then either. It’s perhaps not surprising you’re stuck but there are reasons why it doesn’t last. It’s very easy for a relationship to be amazing in the early stages - that is not a measure of a true relationship.

It sounds like this guy has learnt he can pick you up, play with you for a bit and put you down again. That’s not okay. You need to keep away from him.

You should probably end your current relationship anyway because if it was right for you, you would not be contemplating an approach from Mr Pick You Up and Drop You. But that’s a separate issue. Don’t end it for Mr Flaky. End it for yourself. Perhaps spend some time single. But don’t keep yourself dangling for this guy - it’s not real and not a long term proposition.

You obviously haven’t read this properly.

I never said he was 17 when I was 13, we’re the same age, we were in school together? Maybe read it properly before you start having a go at someone.

I didn’t post this to be attacked, I posted it for advice on how to get rid of the feeling.

Again, we were never in a relationship, it was a friendship “with benefits”, if you like.

I asked if anyone else has had this problem, are you one of those people? Obviously your life is so bad that you have to jump to conclusions and jump down someone’s throat to make yourself feel better.

The whole point of this post was for me to ask if anyone has had this problem, and how they dealt with it because I know myself it comes down to phases where I don’t feel fulfilled. I suffer from BPD, which I didn’t think I would need to mention, obviously I should have reading your reply.

I’m sorry re the ages, OP, and I certainly didn’t mean to attack you so I’m sorry if it came over that way. I have absolutely no reason to attack you. I’m bothered that he is blocking you from moving on.

Should have said: sorry it came over as an attack. I have re-read and can see it was abrupt. But really only written from a place of concern for you being stuck because of him. If you’ve only been FWBs before, perhaps something different could happen this time. But when I had a sort of similar situation with someone, he settled down with someone else not me. I got over it by getting very busy and interested in other things - easier said than done then than now perhaps.

Thank you for explaining, I appreciate it.

The thing is, I did that to him too; picked him up and dropped him when it suited me, it was always casual, I was happy with that, and assumed he was too because of how we were together and how it felt, no strings. Maybe I’m wrong. We were always there for each other as friends too.

I know it’s getting in the way, I don’t even want to go in to how bad it get’s.

The fact that he is being made to stop contact with everyone is the part that annoys me the most.

I really don't think h is being made to stop contact. He has chosen to go back into his "bad" relationship just has he has chosen to cut contact.
This guy is not for you- if you were mean to be together you would be
Time for you to accept the relationhipfor what is was-let it go andmove on

It’s not just me he has cut contact with, it’s all of his friends and some family.

It would be good if it was as easy as accepting it and moving on; but it’s not. It was never a relationship, we were friends, I don’t just miss the sex, I miss the friendship and the way it was. It may be hard for others to see if the way I do, since you don’t feel like this, it’s almost impossible to imagine it.

Does the person you've been in a relationship for 4 years with know about this obsession? You're being incredibly unfair to them by saying it's not good enough and maybe should think about letting them go be with someone who'll appreciate their friendship, sex and the way it is.
You can't get over it because you've romanticised the whole thing to the point it could never live up to your expectations even if it became a real relationship. Nothing was ever really stopping you being together other than perhaps the fact that isn't what either of you wanted.
He's chosen someone else over you, he doesn't want you and I think you need to grieve that fact before you can move on.

Have you watched ‘normal people’ it’s brilliant and sounds very similar to your situation . Through life they have relationships etc but always end up back to each other, maybe it’s a soul mate thing. I think what you have to deep down think, if he messaged you now and asked to meet up for drinks and sex,
Would you? If the answer is yes,
You know it’s not fair on you or your partner to stay in your relationship. However if the answer is no and it’s just the friendly face and text etc that you miss, I think that’s normal. I have had around 3 serious relationships And maybe or 2 not so serious, and I still think about my first ex boyfriend sometimes. Who I was with 17-19 so probably the shortest of all mine, again we met a few years later kinda of thing but it was very casual. I often think how well we got on and maybe if we had met Later in life rather than so young maybe we would be together now. I think a lot of people think ‘what if’ especially if it was never a bad break up, no fall outs etc just general life in the way. I do know I wouldn’t cheat on a partner with him though and don’t have a desire to be with him, so I guess it’s just having a think how you really feel. If he was single would you like to be with him if you could? Xxx

It does sound really difficult, OP. And his current relationship sounds unhealthy which must be doubly frustrating for you - it would probably be easier to let go if he seemed well settled.

My situation was a bit similar though less intense. When the will we/won’t we thing finally did completely end (his choice, not mine), I grieved for about a month and then got very busy. I was single at the time so didn’t have the additional problem of the torn feelings which you are experiencing. The being busy did really help. And a few years later I met the man who is now my DH so the previous guy was superseded which was also very helpful.

@ClementineWoolysocks

I know it is unfair, it’s been unfair to all of my relationships in between, but the fact of the matter is, I’m not doing it on purpose, I can’t shake it off like that, unfortunately. Again, I’ll say that I suffer from BPD, which could be a huge part of it, but I wanted to leave that out, I really shouldn’t have.

I wish I could just forget about him, but for me, it’s not that easy, maybe it would be for you.

It’s not a case of “choosing someone else over me” we were never in a relationship, we were both happy with how it was - casual sex and good friends, but it was fucking magic.

Like I said before; I know it comes down to being unfulfilled in other areas of my life, but I asked for help on how to stop feeling like this, not for you to analyse my current life situation.

@Dery

It’s not a nice situation to be in, my current partner and I haven’t had a great relationship if I’m honest, so I know this is why I keep feeling like this, I wish it was easy for me to walk away, my brain unfortunately doesn’t function like that, I keep thinking it’ll change, things will get better, I know it’s very unhealthy.

I’m always busy, so I’ll need to just make myself more busy! Thank you so much xx

My thoughts are that this man is part of your past, and it will go nowhere. You are only remembering the good bits because that's what we do.
Move on for your own sake

@Cinders1234

I know for a fact if he messaged me now, it would 100% be yes, I know it’s unhealthy and my current relationship is not great, never really has been but like I said a minute ago, I keep thinking it will change.

I feel like I’m using this as an excuse, my condition is a big part in all of this, although I’m stable and on medication and have made amazing progress, it unfortunately doesn’t just go away and that’s what I want it to do.

We’ve always parted on good terms, there’s never been a time where I felt hurt and I think that may be a big part of it too.

The honest answer to that; I don’t know. I love him, as a friend and yes, the physical side is amazing but I don’t think I could be in a relationship with him. It’s so confusing, I’m so exhausted with it, it’s been going on for 13 years now. Xxx

I have a similar experience, from that I'd say you'll probably never get over this. Your options are to accept that and live with it, essentially suck it up. Or lay out out there, accepting that you'll destroy your current relationship and might get rejected by your ex. I'd also throw into the mix a question whether your current partner is really right for you.

My situation was, first with my ex at 18, split up when I went to uni. I was with someone else for a year but finished with him to get back with my ex. However we split up again because I couldn't hack long distance while at uni, and I went no contact because I couldn't get him out of my head. Fast forward a year or two, I met my now husband... fast forward 15yrs to now... Ex is also married with kids, we had a few chats on social media, but he's now deleted sm so I don't know where he is, if he's happy. I still think of him as the love of my life, I still think of him most weeks. After 15yrs I am not sure my husband are I still love each other, so this is back in my head again. I know it's not real. I know we split for valid reasons. I fervently wish I could make it go away. I'm in the suck it up camp.

@Indecisivelurcher

This was the kind of reply I was looking for, experience, so thank you.

It’s not easy to hear that but I think that’s what I need. It’s the craziest feeling, I wish it would go away.

I don’t think we could ever be together, there’s too much good in our past to possibly destroy it, for me anyway. I just miss the way I felt and I know it sounds mental, but that’s how it is.

I think sucking it up is my only option, as unhappy as it makes me.

It’s a really shitty situation to be in, isn’t it?

Sucking it up in terms of how you feel about your ex doesn't mean staying in your current relationship if you're unhappy, though. Try to separate them out in your mind.

Yes it's a really strange one, I've never met anyone who can relate before!

I think because the relationship never had a proper start/conclusion it feels like it might happen again. It’s hard to let go of these things I had something similar. But maybe you have to block him on all channels and actively try to move on. Be sad, journal about it etc, but this pull you feel will fade over time if you want it to

Why exactly did it end last time? And what does he make you feel that you can't get elsewhere?

Ignoring the relationship side are you worried about him and his current situation as well ? As a friend ? Is there no way you can find out if he is ok ?

@ShebaShimmyShake

It was never a relationship, we were good friends and we had sex, we were both fine with that.

It’s probably the fact that we were always happy when we were together, never ends badly for us and we always drift apart for a while, get on with our lives and then meet up again.

The last time, I ended up getting in to a relationship and that’s why it stopped.

@Unsure33

Yeah, I’m worried about him. He’s never done this before; cutting people off. I suppose he must be happy if he’s sticking with this person but I miss him as a friend.

It’s a very strange situation. Every time he’s blocked me out, he’s always the one that gets back in touch to see how I am, not even to meet up, just check in then he’s gone again, it’s very frustrating.

You need to ask yourself is it really this guy you’re missing or is it you missing a more carefree time of your life without the “confines” of a relationship?

Your unhappiness in your current relationship won’t be helping either.

Hmm, well, you've been so young each time you've had a period of "togetherness", for want of a better word, that I don't think it's necessarily significant that it didn't go to full long-term relationship. If he's with someone now, though, you may have to accept that's what he wants, though I am sure he cares about you. You don't sound as though your own relationship is fulfilling.

You may just be into what you associate with him, since you've never had a proper adult relationship with him, and what you imagine he would be. If he cuts you off when he's unhappy, that's not hugely encouraging either, but that doesn't mean you can't still have a special place in each others' hearts.

@MashedSweetSpud

I think you’re right about missing the care free time. I do miss him as well though, as a friend, we’ve always had such a laugh together.

@ShebaShimmyShake

Yeah I will have to accept it, I’ve managed to find out through a friend that he’s fine and seems happy enough, which eases my mind a bit, but I do miss him. I hope you’re right, and he does still care.

Thank you for your replies xx