Would this bother you?

[VeryCuteApparently]

I'm an educated, professional woman in her 40s.

I have a series of failed relationships and i think, to some degree, it's because men's perception of me doesn't match the reality and it causes problems.

Apparently, I'm cute. I look cute.

I'm short but not really 'petite' I've certainly got a stone or more to lose but my face is 'cute' and my style is 'cute' - apparently.

I don't really have any desire to change my style but I'm getting a bit tired of men telling me I'm cute.

I don't have any need to be complimented on my appearance or to be told I'm beautiful or whatever but the cute thing is becoming a bit of a millstone because they expect my personality to be 'cute' too and it's not.

Even with men I've known as friends first. Even female friends have said I look 'cute'- apparently, I have quite 'elfin' features.

But it's also an issue because men I've dated still hanker after 'sexy' and I'm not that.

Just cute.

How do you deal with dating when the general perception of you doesn't match the reality?

When you say “failed relationships” how long were these relationships? 1 week 1 year? Those you describe sound short term.

How do you meet these men? I am of an older generation (46) and don’t yet understand “tinder” etc... I see recently divorced people I know seemingly desperate for a new partner putting their details on tinder but it all seems disingenuous to me. Often the photos are old or the people are not what they proport

I guess dating via Apps is very much based around first appearances rather than falling for someone you know based on their personality traits and their looks combined.

I think sexy is a state of mind rather than a look?

One lady may be “bookish” but have a sensitive affectionate and sexual side beneath (which sounds fantastic to me)

Another may look like a supermodel or a “porn star” but be cold and disinterested in the physical side of their relationships.

In the end personality out trumps appearances in the long term.

I hope this helps.

If it's gone as far as a relationship though, can it be about the perception? If you were talking about going on a few dates but not leading to a relationship, it could explain it. But by the time you are in a relationship, they'd know you reasonably well?

Also cute is good isn't it?

Maybe those relationships just haven't worked out, just weren't suited/bad timing/life stresses/etc, all the usual reasons.

How do you mean, your style is cute? Do you dress like someone a lot younger? I would take cute as a compliment. Better than being told you are obnoxious!

Yeah, better than being told I'm obnoxious!

I don't know, a few I met online dating but it's been the same since I was in my 20s so a long time before that. I don't use online dating now - I tried it briefly about 10 years ago. I only date men I meet in real life now but they are few and far between!

I've found that a lot of men want women who are sweet and don't challenge them (in any capacity) or who 'need' them. I think the sort of men who are attracted to my looks are put off by my personality. Men who want a 'strong' woman are never interested. Given that the only commonality is that they all say I'm "really cute" I assume it is that.

By my style I mean I don't dress elegantly and I'm not sophisticated. I often get told I'm not a "typical" woman. It's not often meant as a compliment!

I really would give online dating a go again as it's so long since you have tried it. It's got to be worth a shot then and least you have described your personality and what you like so men can see the whole package.

Hi OP.
Have you asked any of these men whether they want strong women etc? I’m not being sarcastic at all. I’ve been called cute sometimes (I’m 45, have a PhD, am 5 foot 3, but a stone overweight etc., so we sound somewhat similar outwardly).
I used to be strong and a no nonsense person and honestly never cared if someone liked me or not.
I’ve never been called beautiful in relationships other than by my “D”H.
I’m wondering if men just say what they think they need to in any given situation.
I’m curious re your style? I’ve probably been seen more seriously in work when I had to wear suits to go to Court etc so I dressed in a specific and expected way.
I still get told I look young - because my out of work style is t-shirts etc. So not very middle-aged as I perhaps should

Do you have cutesy mannerisms or voice? How do you sit, stand and walk? Do you wear cutesy clothes and accessories? Have a cutesy haircut? Drive a cutesy car? Witter on about kittens and buttercups?

I get you OP. I get the "cute" thing too. I'm 35yo, 5 2" and have a "baby" face. People often expect me to be all sweetness and light. I actually think this is exactly what happened with my STBXH. He wanted someone who looked sweet and acted docile and it irritated him when I wasn't that way. Whenever I showed my feminist side he showed his resentment! How dare I not be a cute little prop

I've found that a lot of men want women who are sweet and don't challenge them (in any capacity) or who 'need' them. I think the sort of men who are attracted to my looks are put off by my personality. Men who want a 'strong' woman are never interested. Given that the only commonality is that they all say I'm "really cute" I assume it is that.

But the core problem I see here is thick men - on both sides. Any person (of either sex) who literally looks at someone and thinks 'Oh, look at their face, they are going to be X kind of person' - is just, well, a bit thick.

So the kind of men you are dating/attempting to date/meeting (even the friends!) is, I would say, the sticking point.

I can't think of a decent, clever male among my circle who would actually properly think that a woman who looked 'cute' would by definition not be a strong character - that's nuts.

I'm not even commenting on the thickos that want a 'non-challenging' woman - delete those instantly.

I think you're meeting the wrong men, honestly. I'm not short and not what people would probably call 'cute', but I do not know many men in their 40s who would say that's what they are looking for. Though to be fair, it could be that the ones still single in their 40s are single because they are a bit weird. But in contrast, I'm tall, quiet a bit taller than lots of men, have quite a strong and not very 'cute' body type, and generally assertive and dominant. I've had no trouble having relationships with men who are looking for equal partnerships and in fact, quite a few exes (and also my dh) were very clear that they wouldn't have dated me if I was a pushover. I get what you're saying that because you think you are 'cute' that men expect you to be a certain way and you aren't, but could you find places to meet men where the expectation isn't that you are sweet and compliant. Do you have interests that would suit that where you might meet men? What about online dating but making it very clear that you are assertive and independent and see who you find?

I'm amusing myself about your "cute style". I'm imagining you wearing a Hello Kitty t shirt and rara skirt with your hair in bunches and sucking a lollipop.

Seriously, there's a lot of rather dim men out there who make assumptions on appearances! I'm quite quiet and bookish, plus feminine looking (long hair, plenty of make up) and I used to get men dating me who were shocked and indignant that I had strong opinions and was a fiercely independent ardent feminist! There was an assumption that a quiet woman would stay in line and not challenge a man. Ha! Not bloody likely!

I wouldn't worry about cute not equalling sexy. I know lots of chaps who find elfin features and quirkiness VERY sexy!