20 years, and I'm still not at peace

[Stillfightingforpeace]

with my past.

Name changed, because this is v personal and something I don't really talk about.

I had a very difficult upbringing. A lot of people do, so this isn't 'woe is me', but the fact is I'm still not at peace with it, despite time, and CBT.

When I was still in the older side of single figures in age (if that makes sense), one of my parents had a horrendous and very serious, breakdown. Think delusions, paranoia, a sense of everyone including their own young children 'plotting against them', including plots to kill them. If we were playing, we would be accused by this parent of laughing at them, or mimicking them. Running home to show my parent a picture I had painted of a monster at school, I remember clear as day looking up at my ill parent, and the piercing, upset & disgusted look I received back as they held the picture and sarcastically asked if this picture I'd painted was supposed to be of them. As a teenager, if I tried to talk to friends on the phone I'd be accused of talking about them, or plotting against them. I couldn't even have a phone call ffs. I was frequently woken up by the parent at 2am (as it was just us two, no one else), crying and needing to talk about all their fears, delusions etc. This would last an hour or so before I could return back to bed and try to somehow get up for school in the morning. I was always scared to walk into the room, because from hour to hour it could change to what I would find. Crying, anger, or accusations I'd done something to plot against them. I could re-count pages of such memories. I was so very sad because it was impossible to be happy watching a parent going through this. Before this, I had a very happy childhood, so this sudden change brought my world tumbling down.

At this time, my parents also split, with the other moving straight in with the person they'd been having an affair with, and their children. This followed time away the affair parent took over holidays, leaving us with 0 money for the ill parent to even get anything for us. I witnessed the arguments, shouting, roaring and crying.

One of my siblings moved in with the other parent at this time, another ended up in prison as they acted out, unable to cope themselves (they are a lovely person and have not re-offended). This left me COMPLETELY on my own with ill parent. In my teen years, I witnessed several suicide attempts, including having to call the ambulance. I was scared to go to college, for fear of what I'd find when I got home - this feeling had been happening since school. One of the suicide attempts happened whilst I was at work, so I had to rush home as I picked up something wasn't right. The other parent emigrated whilst I was young teenager, with the family they'd moved in with.

After the last suicide attempt of the parent (who I was now and had been caring for, for some time), I had a total breakdown myself. Not delusions etc. But just totally shut down, panic attacks, staring at walls for hours, bad thoughts. I was very unwell with constant panic attacks and trying to keep my life together. No one seemed to notice - the focus was always on the ill parent. So I had to get on with it alone.

I was referred for CBT, which I did for 5 months. It helped with some of my anxiety and breaking thought patterns, but dealt with little else. The therapist was lovely, but clearly following a script. I was told at one point to write a letter 'forgiving myself' due to my feelings around the parents suicide attempts. My response was that I had nothing to forgive myself for. I was angry and hated the parent for what they'd put me through, intentional or not. They just repeated the same thing, and when I too repeated that I had nothing to forgive myself for, just looked at me with a blank expression, unsure what to say.

I also tried counselling, but knocked that in the end after one session where the therapist sided with the parent who left to be with another family. I was angry at their behaviour too.

I'm not sure what I'm asking for really. I am functional, have a long term relationship (although do have some unhealthy learnt behaviours, some of which I've corrected, others I'm still working on), working, etc etc. I don't dwell on my past on a frequent basis, but it's there. Quietly eating away at me. I have never found peace. You can imagine I had cut off the affair parent a long time ago, and have in the past year or so had contact again. It's OK - but I had to accept in the process our relationship was irreversibly damaged and will never be the same again. Talking to them about it is very difficult - trust me, I tried as a youngster, and several times since (which would usually cause no-contact on my part). It's not a helpful avenue really.

I am on good terms with the ill parent. I love them, and realise they did their best whilst so poorly. But I'm ashamed to admit as much as I love them, I still have anger & animosity deep down, though I try my best not to show it.

I know I should have moved on by now, so why haven't I?? This started twenty years ago, it went on for approx 14 years before I fully distanced myself. I fully understand more than most this parent could not help the way they were behaving (they were medicated, although at times it was a challenge to have to convince them to take the meds). Mental illness isn't something you choose. I used to feel sadness and sympathy, but it just transformed into anger. Even more anger for the other parent who just took off too, whom had always been a great parent until then.

I did go off the rails, drugs, drink, angry lashing out, uncontrollable through my young-mid teens, before I settled down and stopped all of that.
I am at more peace now than I was prior to distancing from them, but still not 'at peace'. Will I ever find it? Please be gentle X

I hope you do find the peace you deserve. I'm similar to you though I am only just facing the issues bought on as a child by one parent with addiction and the other with possible similar issues. It's hard isn't it especially when you almost thought of it as normal. Sending love OP x

Good grief, I'm so sorry for all you've suffered through. I think a bit of "woe is me" would be entirely proportionate in the circumstances. We all deserve compassion, no reason it can't come from within ourselves.

I wondered when you first mentioned CBT if it would have been of the scripted/homework sheet variety, and it sounds from what you said later that it was. That can be useful to people with mild, non-complex difficulties, but it is very clear that yours are more complex. It should have been clear to them that it was not an appropriate course of action too, but I can guess at the assessment process used.

I know I should have moved on by now, so why haven't I?

Because you're traumatised - very traumatised. Because neither of the treatments you've had were trauma therapies. Because childhood trauma is complex. Because trauma can get stuck. Because you don't "move on" from trauma, you move differently. Because why "should" you have reached x point in healing by now after such extreme and prolonged experiences. That's a bit unfair on yourself. These things are not your fault.

Sadness, anger, drink, drugs, shame... they're normal parts of trauma.

You are allowed to have emotions about such terrible experiences.

There is a book by Judith Herman you may find useful for putting these pieces together. Trauma and Recovery.

It goes through the effects on a child and later as an adult of surviving experiences like yours. It suggests paths forwards. There are other key books that are recommended a lot. (Pete Walker, Carolyn Spring, David Emerson, van der Kolk, Barbara ? Who wrote 8 Keys...)

I do think you can find ways to feel more at peace within yourself, but it will come from accepting you are traumatised and using approaches with an evidence base for trauma (counselling for example is specifically not an approved treatment because it can make trauma worse, whereas CTT, EMDR and various other trauma therapies are approved and can be very helpful - it also takes a therapist who truly understands interpersonal trauma).

You don't deserve to keep beating yourself up, you know. You've asked us to be gentle, but how gentle do you feel able to be with yourself? You're so keen to be seen not to be blaming the cause of your trauma that you're instead burdening and blaming yourself as if it was something you could have magicked away with a stiff upper lip. I don't think that's fair.

You were a child in a nightmare whose adults weren't protecting or caring as they should have, and now you're an adult living with the awful consequences. None of those is your fault and neither deserve for you to feel shame for your feelings about it.

I hope you are able to start finding your way down a path that brings peace and hope into your life.

That first book, Trauma and Recovery is on Audible if you don't feel up to reading but could manage listening. (Could use the one month free trial or something).

Sometimes just better understanding trauma and being able to relate it back to yourself can already have a transformative effect.

OP i think you've every right to be VERY woe is me, that is appalling. Have you looked into EMDR for post traumatic stress? It truly helped me and is available on the NHS in some areas.

I wish you some peace of mind, because lord knows that's hard enough to find and you deserve it

If you can find a good kundalini yoga teacher that is what I would recommend, alongside other work to learn about and heal trauma

@user2853684215

That first book, Trauma and Recovery is on Audible if you don't feel up to reading but could manage listening. (Could use the one month free trial or something).

Sometimes just better understanding trauma and being able to relate it back to yourself can already have a transformative effect.

Thank you for such a lovely, kind and helpful response. It is just like the caring & loving response I wish I had from a parent or guardian at this time. Sorry if that sounds cheesy! But it actually brings comfort, and I don't find comfort from people in general.

I had never thought of it as childhood trauma, up until you mentioned it. I always think of trauma as violent physical, sexual abuse etc, but it's quite right that mental, verbal and other experiences can cause trauma too, so thank you for bringing this to my attention. I didn't realise until just a couple or so years ago that I had been mentally and verbally abused by the ill parent either, and awfully controlled too, until I was told this. I had never thought of it like that because to me, it wasn't intentional as the person wasn't in control of themselves or their behaviour. An odd justification isn't it? I suppose another hallmark of trauma and trying to rationalise things.

I will purchase the Trauma & Recovery book, thank you for the recommendation.

Thank you to you & Dishingoutdone for the recommendation of EMDR, I will definitely look into this. Also thank you dishingoutdone for your lovely reply also. I'm very overwhelmed.

I genuinely don't think 'poor me' or 'woe is me'. There are so many people who don't have great upbringings, and so many who have it far worse than me. I knew my mother loved me, even if it didn't feel like it sometimes. That's more than many have. I actually for the most part, look at the situation very matter of factly, that it is what it is and that's life. Life is unfair. Now and then though obviously, it pops into my head and I can't seem to escape the memories, feelings and visual flashbacks for a few days. Whilst not woe is me, I do feel sad sometimes for the wee girl who just wanted to be happy. I do feel sad for my younger self, what I went through. But not sorry for myself, if that makes sense? The suffering of the parent who endured this horrible illness seems so much worse than any suffering I have endured.

Funnily enough, on my last CBT session, my therapist exclaimed (after being told several times) 'Oh, this happened recently! I thought this had happened years ago! You have delayed onset Post Traumatic Stress Disorder' - whatever that is. I was then sent on my way, with nothing further on what I should even do, to deal with the PTSD. Thankfully, I am past that now. It is just not being at peace mostly.

Mikeymoo - I am sorry for what you went through. I cannot even begin to imagine what life must have been like with parents with addictions. I hope you find healing and your peace too. You are absolutely worth it. You absolutely hit the nail on the head with thinking it's normal.. because your experiences as children make that your normal.

Thankfully, my partner has been ever so patient & supportive with my learnt abusive behaviours - I have worked very hard to correct them and fully recognise them by myself. I'm glad to say I've dealt with and no longer do most of them and I have much healthier behaviour now. Although I still have some work to do. He has some of his own too that he is working on that he has from his own poor upbringing. Again, what is normalised as a child, I suppose. Hopefully with self work we can break this cycle. (No children btw - we are very put off the idea due to our own experiences. We recognise we would have to be in a much better, emotionally stable place before that could ever happen, and is something we strongly believe, else it just perpetuates the cycle). Sorry. Rambling now. Thank you for listening. I don't think I've ever spoken so much about it in my life. It's a relief to get it out . Xx

P.s Stonecrop I will look into that, thank you

If I were you I would look into Complex PTSD. I think you will relate.

Books to read include The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk and Complex PTSD - From Surviving to Thriving, by Pete Walker.

Both have a lot of insight which might be helpful. Yoga and also massage can help to bring a sense of peace. If your partner can give you soothing massages that can build trust and bring calm: by soothing the body the mind's endless chatter is stilled and the body starts to heal from within. Good luck.

Oh OP, that broke my heart. I have no suggestion but wanted to give you a hug and some love. Some very competent sounding suggestions from user2853684215.
I hope you and your partner find the peace you seek. And joy. And that your love and strength for each other will always grow

didn’t want to read and run OP.
You sound so strong.

I agree with look into complex PTSD.

Holding your hand op. Of course you aren't "over it". You don't just "move on" from such trauma. I think you can safely assume you have PTSD or cPTSD - it would almost be impossible for you to have survived such an upbringing without bearing the scars. Your body and brain will have been utterly terrified and without rest, for years at a stretch, while they were still growing and forming. These things reach very deep into one.

You have my deep sympathy and solidarity - I have an extensive catalogue of trauma as well and through a great deal of trauma therapy (and time), I have learned to be ok, to be happy and stable. But it took work, a lot of unfair, unjust work.

I second the recommendation of The Body Keeps The Score and to find a counselor who is specifically trained in trauma.

Bless you, I wish I could go back in time and rescue the little child you were. I'm so sorry you went through that.

I know I've banged on about it on other threads: please find a psychologist qualified to do EMDR with you.
It can be a game changer for survivors of abusive childhoods. It is specifically recommended for PTSD.
You have every bloody cause to be struggling, it's not "woe is me" at all. You've been unlucky with previous therapists, they're not all great, but if you find a really good psychologist it will make so much difference.
I wish you the best of luck.

If you can afford it, I would look into getting therapy from an HPC registered clinical psychologist who specialises in PTSD. From what you’ve said, I don’t think CBT would have been enormously helpful in your situation. You have dealt with a long term, highly stressful, series of events and grown up in an environment that no adult, and certainly no child, is equipped to deal with. It’s a huge credit to you that, from the outside at least, you appear to have coped with it. It is completely logical that you feel the way you feel and hopefully with the right kind of therapy you will get to unpack it properly and get some peace.

Hi OP.
I suffer from complex PTSD myself due to various things in my childhood and the situations I ended up in due to that. I'm in my 30s and I would say it was only last year when I could acknowledge the full extent of what my childhood had done to me.
I am glad you are going to look into EMDR. I briefly tried it but it wasn't the right time for me for various reasons but I might go back to it next year.
A couple of things the therapist said to me that might help you is that when I go through bad stages that's the little girl inside of me kicking me screaming for some attention because she was never nurtured...and she doesn't just go away. I was going to have to nurture her myself.

Also as trauma affects the body just as much or more so than the brain then CBT isn't generally going to be the best thing for that, you can't think your way out of that kind of thing.

I've been struggling lately and although i'm not religious I have found so much comfort reading Catherine Ponders books and saying the affirmations. She does say them to God and so on but God can be any higher power...even if you just believe in some kind of energy, not necessarily the Christian God.