Has anyone stayed in relationship after using prostittues?

[Lora88]

I know how disgusting and vile this behaviour is , I left my partner of 11 years 3 months ago after finding out he was contacting prostittues when drunk , he is adamant he never went through with it and never planned to , said he got off on the excitement and watched porn after (I will admit he has a much higher sex drive than me) we have 3 children and I miss him , is there any hope of getting through this or is it just too much ? X

Do you think you can get through it? Is "missing him" / wanting him back stronger than the feelings you had when you found out he'd been speaking to prostitutes?

The fact that he wants to degrade women when he's pissed should tell you everything you need to know.

Good grief no! Why on earth would you want to?

Why would you want to go back to a man who contacts prostitutes when drunk?. Is your relationship bar that low?

Your children do not need this man in their day to day lives, he is no role model
to them

Honestly? You'd be fucking mental to consider getting back together. Absolutely mental. Focus on healing and rebuilding your boundaries, your relationship with him could never be healthy or happy after all that.

@SpongeWorthy

Honestly? You'd be fucking mental to consider getting back together. Absolutely mental. Focus on healing and rebuilding your boundaries, your relationship with him could never be healthy or happy after all that.

Yep. This.

Its natural to miss him after an 11 year relationship but I bet you dont miss the worry of thinking what he’s doing... if you take him back you’re telling him that what he did was ok and acceptable and so he’ll do it again. They always do. Dont put yourself and more importantly the children through that. Focus on your new life with them and in time you’ll meet someone to respect you properly.

OP - there is an easy way to figure out if he had gone through with any of that. Money trail.
I’d assume it costs a few hundred, or a little less? Maybe someone has an idea here on MN. Have you looked at his bank account for withdrawals around the time of calls? As cash I presume is the preferred way of payment in that business.

If no payments or other unexplained money expenditures can be found - then I’d be inclined to believe that he never went through with it.
And - as you say he has a high drive, and you have three kids - my guess would be that he never actually intended to do anything in real life. It is possible that he used it as a bit of a fantasy, a thrill for his wanking seasons.

Not great, obviously. But I’d not think of that as an unforgivable act. Especially if I had 3 children with him bad was vulnerable financially.

They ALL say the booked "for the thrill" and didn't go. That means they get off on the idea of buying sex (and therefore paid for 'consent') AND reinforce their belief that sex workers don't deserve to be treated like humans as they don't give a shit about then not showing up as long as they got their rocks off through booking it and discussing their appointment. Now of course that's 'better' (for want of a better term) than not going through with the appointment but I always find it extra jarring in a way as they literally see the woman as wank fodder, mess her about and then claim the get out that they aren't utter arseholes. They are.

@jeaux90

The fact that he wants to degrade women when he's pissed should tell you everything you need to know.

Also this. His go-to when pissed is getting off on the idea of paying for sex with a woman despite the fact he cannot possibly know for sure isnt trafficked or incredibly vulnerable. Also one who might get in the shit with her pimp for a punter not showing up. God punters are selfish pricks to every woman they come into contact with.

That was meant to say:

"Now of course that's 'better' (for want of a better term) than going through with the appointment..."

There was a thread on here by someone who's husband admitted using prostitutes and prior to his admittance she had trawled bank statements and there were no cash withdrawals - she still isnt sure how he got hold of cash to pay them.

Prostitutes range from about £50 up to hundreds.

Most men are going through with booking prostitutes when they look.

Time is a great memory changer, we block out bad memories quickly and retain good ones.
This is why you feel like you could move on now.
As someone else said, think back to when you found out how did that make you feel?

When i left my husband after finding out about another emotional affair i made sure to tell everyone as i knew 2 weeks in the memory would fade and it wouldnt seem so bad and i would stay (as i had done for 17 years). What i did was remember that it wasnt the emotional affairs that ruined my marriage but his lack of respect for me, if he loved me he sould have treated me better.

What do you miss about him?
Is it just that 11 years was a long time so the familiarity is missing?

Was he actually a good husband/partner?