Reconnecting with estranged grandparent

[Chickencuddle]

This may be long and complicated. Sorry in advance!
I will try and keep it brief and to the point.
When I was a child I was abused at home. Mostly by my father but also emotionally by my mother. She was cruel with things she said and did. My brother was the golden child and could do now wrong she would often tell me how handsome he was. Beautiful lips/eyes etc whereas I had got the ugly Gene's. I did well at school. He was suspended many times and eventually excluded. I tried my best in every way to please her but nothing was ever good enough. I was excited to show her a report once which had top Mark's and nice comments etc and she snarled at me that she hated people like me when she was at school and threw the report on the floor. My brother was laughing and she laughed along with him.
She would comment on my weight and restrict my food. Make me exercise then make me do it again because she didnt believe me that I had run the full distance.
Etc things like that.
Anyway I was taken into care mainly because of my dads abuse.
But I lost contact with all my family because of this.
My grandmother tried to contact me a few times. At first I ignored it. I was scared she was doing it for my mum and I was terrified of anything getting back to my dad.

Then after a few years i started writing ti her. This went on for a while. It was nice. But my husband didnt like it and said i shouldnt be contacting her. she wasnt there for me as a child etc. although she was but he argued she should have done more. I dont even know if she knew anything about any of it. But she was lovely to me.
Anyway. My husband convinced me to cut off contact when I had our first child. I did.
I havnt spoken to her even by letter in about 8 years and not verbally for about 15 years.
Ive thought of her over the years. But been too worried about it or spoken to husband and he has convinced me again not to make contact.
My mum died recently. I regretted not talking to her about everything. It prompted me to write a letter to her. My husband doesnt know because I didnt want to be influenced again.
I gave her my number and she called yesterday and left a message saying she wants to make peace with me and would love to hear from me.
I want to too. But I dont know what to say when I phone. I dont know what to say if she asks about my mum.
She is an old lady in her 80s and not in great health I dont want to put something dreadful on her shoulders...her daughter has just died.
So I'm stuck and would love peoples opinions on how to start. What to say. What to say if she asks awkward questions etc.
Thanks in advance and sorry about the essay

Why are you so influenced by your husband? It's 100% your decision whether you want contact with your grandmother or not. If you don't get in touch I think you'll regret it.

Your husband should be supporting you with whatever you want to do not dictating what you can and can’t do. He sounds controlling.

It’s not your grandmother that abused you.

Maybe your DH wanted to protect you from being hurt again by the family of your origin.

She might want to make peace without referring to her daughter, after all no kids are taken into care for no reason.

As for your parents-hope they rot in hell.

Take care 💐

I will definitely be contacting her. I guess I'm just asking for advice on what to say. Should I bring up the past or not? If she asks what do I say I dont want to upset her at her age. She is not in contact with my father and my mother (her daughter) has now passed away. She said in the message she is very much alone. I just dont know how to start. What to say. It's been so long she hasnt known me as an adult.
My husband is controlling but that's another thread lol maybe he did want to protect me I dont know but it's not an issue anymore. I'm going to make contact with her whether he likes it or not.
Thanks for all your replies really appreciate it.

Sorry to bump this. Dont worry if noone has anything to add just thought i would try and bump before try ringing her Thursday.

I would see how your gran is when you speak to her. It might or might not be appropriate to talk about the past. I assume she will know your mother has passed?

If it makes you feel better though you could just talk about general stuff , lockdown etc and keep it quite light for the first conversation and then decide how to proceed

sorry for all that you went through x

I'm so sorry for all that you've suffered. I think, if your grandmother asks any probing questions, you could answer vaguely, like saying your mother didn't look after you enough and emotionally, you suffered, and only go into greater detail if you think she's able to hear it and if you, yourself feel like discussing it with her.

Wishing you all the best. 🙏

Why not come at this by saying, 'I have a lot of very unhappy memories from when I was a child, I would really appreciate it if we could keep off the subject of mum and my childhood entirely, I'd like to focus on us getting to know each other better'.

If there are awkward questions throw in a reminder of the above or say, mmm let me think about that and come back to you, I find it tough to talk about that, do you mind if we get off this subject, or similar.

And then talk about how you spend your days, what your child is up to, how things were when she was a child - just make it about you and her and get to know each other.

you may both find it therapeutic to talk honestly about the past. Go with your gut feeling.

Hi everyone thanks so much for replies. I spoke to her today after missing each other a few times I finally got through and was able to speak to her. It was so lovely. She was so nice.
She spoke about my mum a few times. She told me my mum loved me. She said my mum told her many times she loved me. I was so close to saying something but I just said "well that's nice to hear thank you " it was emotional because all I ever wanted was my mum to love me. I'm sure she did. But I think she was under slot of stress and my dad rubbed off on her bt I believe she did have a good heart. Or I've come to believe hat recently. She was kind to others. Went to church etc was a lovely lady. Maybe I was really hard work? I dont know it's hard to understand.

But anyway it was awkward at points but I think to get into it all would be very painful for her. (It might be better for me to speak about it.) But for her it would be very painful and unnecessary. What's the point? It's very hard but also really lovely speaking to her. I had to go after 45 minutes as my toddler woke from her nap screaming but I hope to speak to her again.
She told me she had missed me and always loved me.
Cried so many tears today. I'm so sad we have missed out on so many years.

Hello lovely, only just reading this thread and while the conversation sounds mainly positive be wary of your grandparent re-writing history on your mother's behalf.

Your feelings about your childhood are valid and not to be played down, no matter how much you want this relationship to work out.

You were NOT hard work, you were just a child who needed to be loved.

I'm glad this was a positive (if emotional) experience for you. I agree with @NoraEphronsNeck - don't assume that as a child you were in any way to blame, you weren't, young children get a pass on this - every single time. I love your response - 'that's nice to hear'. A good thing to say.

I also agree with @NoraEphronsNeck.

None of this was your fault
Don't listen to anyone elses excuses.

I get the feeling you have trouble standing up for yourself and your needs.
Your husband sounds controlling.

You sound lovely

But I think she was under slot of stress and my dad rubbed off on her bt I believe she did have a good heart. Or I've come to believe hat recently. She was kind to others. Went to church etc was a lovely lady. Maybe I was really hard work?

You have a DC. Would you treat them the way you were treated? No. Because you know it's wrong. Your mum could have treated you properly but she chose not to. Don't ever think it was your fault.

I think that if you wanted to make a relationship with your grandmother, it might be better to be honest about your feelings. You don't need to go into details. But for eg if she says your mum loved you/told her she loved you, maybe you could say "She never showed me that. But you were always kind to me which is why I wanted to get back in touch."

You don't have to enter into much of a discussion about your mum, but it might be important just to calmly let her know your feelings. Already what she has said has caused you to worry that you were to blame as a child, for your mum's abusive behaviour, but you weren't. You know how she treated you, which was appallingly. I think you need to make this new relationship about you and your grandmother and perhaps try not to talk too much about your mother. It doesn't sound like you will agree about what she was like, which might be upsetting for you.

I think @MakeItRain has it spot on. You don’t have to talk about your mother at all but if she comes up, you are entitled to be honest about what happened to you.

Your grandmother may think she is doing the right thing by saying your mother loved you. And perhaps your mother did in her way. But she treated you with incredible cruelty and your childhood home was so harmful to you that you had to be removed from it. So things were clearly appalling. Your grandmother probably has shame around that and is trying to improve the narrative. But she is human and she did treat you kindly when you were little.

You sound absolutely amazing, OP, and I think your instinct to connect with your grandmother, who was always kind to you, is very sound. It sounds like there is a real foundation of love and trust to build on.