Tips for managing upsetting conversations with kids

[Worakls]

Evening all,

I could really do with some advice and tips from people who have been through divorce/separation.

My ex and I split in January. We told the kids end of Feb and he moved out at the same time. That was the worst day of my life. My eldest (9) sobbed and screamed, I honestly think it's going to traumatise me for life. Youngest (now 5) didn't really get it but was obviously upset my her brother's reaction.
Now we told them it's because we weren't making each other happy anymore - not the truth, he had 3 affairs that I know of but obviously can't tell the kids.

Generally it's gone so much better than I thought, mostly because I have done everything in my power to protect our children but every how again one of them says something and it breaks me.

My eldest generally says he's happier now as life is calmer (ex shouts a lot at him and they don't have a great relationship) but today he said he misses him being here and us being a family which knocked me for 6.

How do I deal with such things? The youngest says it a lot and I just nicely explain that it can't happen but I feel so utterly selfish and wracked with guilt.

Any tips?! Please 😍

As harsh as it sounds, I don't think you can. I'm nearly 7 years on and my youngest (now 11) still sometimes says he wishes we were still together. I just explain and reassure (and point out the 2 lots of holidays and Christmas presents ) and he soon moves on.

My own parents split when I was 4. Every single birthday when I blew the candies out and made a wish, that wish was that they were still together. Probably right up until my mid teens. As an adult, I can appreciate that they are completely unsuited and can fully appreciate why they split, but I think children always fantasise about the "perfect" family.

If it helps at all, OP, my parents stayed married and always told me how great it was that we were a family, and as a young child I swallowed it. As I got into my teens, though, I wished desperately that they would divorce so I wouldn't have to live with my abusive father and all his rages, and as an adult I still wish they had. I was so jealous of kids who lived in peaceful houses and didn't have to see their dads unless they wanted to. And all this with a constant flow of "we are a complete family, aren't we so amazing and better than other people" bullshit.

You've done the right thing and your kids will realise when they're older.

I’ve just always told my kids we are happier people apart. My kids still occasionally wish that we lived together but they aren’t sad about it. We’ve been split seven years now. To be honest, I’ve never felt guilty that they wanted us to live together, they are kids, of course they want that but it wasn’t working at all for us.

Thanks everyone. I suppose the hard thing is that in their eyes we were fine (I kept it very very well hidden!) So it came as massive shock and they don't understand why I can't just ask him to come back as that is what would make them happy 🙁

I'd start by acknowledgimg his feelings, that it is tough for him and its OK for him to feel sad. My dad never acknowledged that and it made it so much harder. Then just the general you both love him and his sister very much. And something general like sometimes adults don't get along well or argue you too much when they live together and they need to live apart.

I'm 2 years post split, DCs were similar ages and my eldest took it the hardest too. Whilst they aren't glad about it, they can see how much happier I am (we also did the 'we didn't make each other happy' thing whereas it was actually me who wanted the split and was very unhappy). They are both aware their dad isn't happy as he doesn't always hide it and my youngest occasionally says she wishes we were still a family. However, I just say that I know they do and it's sad but sometimes things don't work out but we do our best for them. Any time this comes up I just say something similar, acknowledge it but never let any hint of them thinking we will ever get back together, as that will never happen.

I don't think children need to know the details of why their parents split either so no need to say about the affairs. Mine know I was unhappy as I've told them and they know their dad didn't make me happy but there is a lot more as to why, which they'll never know and they don't need to.

@Worakls

Thanks everyone. I suppose the hard thing is that in their eyes we were fine (I kept it very very well hidden!) So it came as massive shock and they don't understand why I can't just ask him to come back as that is what would make them happy 🙁

Mine also didn't realise there was anything wrong until we told them about the split either as I tried to hide my unhappiness. This manifested in other ways and only now can they see the difference. I have explained that things weren't right but I did my best to shield them from that because at the time I thought it was the right thing to do for their sake. Nothing wrong with explaining something similar to yours.