I really need some advise on how to change the situation I have with ex. I have tried to keep this as concise as I can but it’s long and I’ve probably missed out lots of key elements still.
H and I separated 2 years ago and he moved out 18 months ago. When he moved out I was just qualifying in my current role and starting to earn again after time at uni and a bursary. I proposed I would buy him out the house in approx 2 years (which he was happy with) and that in the interim one of us should stay in the house and pay the mortgage and the bills and the other rent a two bed place locally and have their salary free to do that. He said he didn’t want to stay in the house and would move out. We agreed (through much bullying, it was an EA relationship and I was weak) that he would have dd (now aged 4) 2.5 days a week - the arrangement exactly he wanted.
He moved into a static caravan in his parents garden as a ‘temporary measure’ until he could find somewhere to rent. He is still there now 18 months on. Whenever I bring up him moving he kicks off that I ‘kicked him out the house’ which is simply not true, and that he can’t afford to rent anywhere, can’t find somewhere to rent with his dog... and so on.
When we were first arranging access with DD he was really bullying and refused to go to mediation. I rang a mediated and enquired about it all but he said he wasn’t going or paying. I had just qualified, was waiting to start work and paying all the mortgage and the bills with my overdraft at this point so I ended up conceding to his requests for access. I simply didn’t have the money for mediation that wouldn’t be attended or for court. I also believed at this point, or hoped at least he would only be in the caravan temporarily. He also told me straight he wasn’t going to pay the child maintenance suggested on the gov calculator, or any maintenance at all as he was having dd 2.5 days a week and doesn’t feel he should.
Time has passed and I find myself increasingly angry and fed up of my position with him. I now live with my new partner which is all very positive but I appreciate is probably not easy for my ex. I have tried to approach this in the ‘right’ ways and have suggested they meet etc but ex doesn’t want to know. Fair enough. Ex will not communicate with me AT ALL. He barely speaks generally when dropping back DD and has form for being inappropriate in front of her, e.g crying and begging for more time with her when she’s in his arms, making statements about changing his hours and having more time with her etc.. when I say, let’s talk about this on the phone or meet for a coffee he won’t. If I text him, he ignores me either entirely or replies 3/4 days later when I chase him. Most of the time he still ignores me. He still has loads of stuff in the house he won’t move out. His name is still on the mortgage but I have been paying all the mortgage and the bills for the last 18 months and want his stuff gone.
I’m currently in the process of trying to buy him out (which has been made harder by covid of course) and have met with a mortgage broker. If he was paying his child maintenance that would help greatly with my affordability. I don’t know whether to try and broach the subject again (and likely be ignored) or just contact CSA. When I buy him out of the house I will put in for the divorce at the same time to tie these together and I know this will be more of a clean break at this point.
I am worried he is saying things to my DD about me, and affecting her negatively with guilt about how he is sad and lonely. During lockdown she went through a stage of saying how she worried about him, how she missed him and loved only him and wanted to live with him, and generally treated me and my family with contempt on return from his. This was all very out of character and relations are normally very good and strong with me and my side of the family. DD has also made mention of secrets from mummy and how mummy isn’t to be trusted. I really felt he was alienating her and it was a terrible time. None of this was easily provable and I didn’t want to be making negative assumptions but it was horrible and really distressing for her and me. I documented everything and had a telephone session with a child psychologist but due to lockdown I was very limited about any action beyond that I could take. DD went back to school and was suddenly her usual self! No crying for daddy, no contempt towards me, was happy to see me on drop off and normality resumed. We have just had 2 week half term so instead of school she has been with him solidly for the 2.5 days and we have had a resurgence of this behaviour. I know I could be wrong, and I almost hope I am, but in my gut I feel he is using her to hurt me, alienating her and emotionally abusing her, intentionally or not. I am worried that if I start making boundaries with him this will intensify and she will suffer.
I don’t want dd negatively affected, I don’t wish to interfere or prevent them having a relationship. However I am becoming increasingly angry with my position and feel this will have negative impacts on everyone. I want him to move his stuff out, pay his maintenance, move out of a 25 year old leaking caravan, agree the buy out and divorce and communicate with me reasonably regarding DD. I feel like my head is spinning with all the elements and how to even try to approach things and see change.