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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling horrible

57 replies

feelingsadtoday2021 · 02/11/2020 14:51

I can't stop thinking about my ex and checking out his new girlfriends social media
He dumped me a couple of months ago and said he didn't want a relationship and we could only be friends and now his new girlfriend has picture of them on holiday, meeting family and posts about how perfect he is to her
It's destroying me I can't work properly or eat

It's making me feel so worthless but I can't stop looking

OP posts:
Original poster
feelingsadtoday2021 · 02/11/2020 16:59

He told me I was the first after a few years

But your right he lied about everything else why would he tell the truth about that

I think she is the first woman he has made official though, and they do seem very in love

I need to stop looking it's just driving me mad how he strung me along and then his new girlfriend is getting all the nice parts of him

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 02/11/2020 17:00

He was lovely and charming and seemed completely loved up with his wife at first too I bet (or she won't have married him). Then he treated her like shit.

He was lovely and charming and seemed completely loved up with you at first too. Then he treated you like shite too.

He is lovely and charming and seems completely loved up with his new victim too now. He'll start to treat her like shit soon enough.

She's fallen big time for his relationship-starting persona too. Just like you did. It won't last, it's his pattern. And he's good at it - you know he's a bastard, but you're still hankering after the starting persona.

You need to look at why you KNOW he's a repetitive bastard, but you're still taking responsibility for his behaviour and the relationship not working. Why you are still trying to convince yourself he's Prince Charming when you know he's a major frog.

Manxiety · 02/11/2020 17:01

Jealousy is a powerful emotion op, & it's that driving your feelings - not the reality of how he really is that you list.

Hold tight - you've said yourself he was this way at first with you. The guy you describe will soon resurface and this relationship will go the same way as the rest. This new girlfriend may have low expectations but either way, he's duping her and will soon return to default. Just wait & see. In the meantime, get yourself back on the bike.

lugzy083 · 02/11/2020 17:05

Oh OP, it's so hard seeing someone you love love someone else. It would be so easy for me to tell you he sounds like an abusive, manipulative tosser (which it sounds like he is) but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with Flowers.

One thing I will say - it always seems to me that the worst, most toxic couples I know are usually the couples who flash their relationship all over social media. Of course not all the time, but social media can be soooo full of lies and things can easily be warped. So please don't think if you were in her position, you'd be happier because chances are, you wouldn't be!

I think as hard as it is, you'll just have to cut off all ties. I promise time will make it easier xx

Rockinmomma · 02/11/2020 17:19

If you’re referring to Facebook official I doubt it’s the first. You can delete your relationship history and photos
And as PP have said, people post false crap on SM all the time! I know several people in very unhappy relationships but you’d think the opposite going by the happy pictures they post daily

Butterfly1066 · 02/11/2020 17:21

Well he would not have been able to have affairs either would he had he not been superficially charming to these women

I can guarantee he is manipulative even if he claims he isn't and that all the woman have wronged him

Does a nice man visit hookers?

Do secure people really post how amazing their partner is on Facebook constantly beyond the teenage years ?

The poor woman is probably vulnerable and blindsided and enjoying his attention I would feel sorry for her as she has a shitstorm coming

When people tell you who they are listen .

Decent people don't behave the way you have described, he will stick around whilst she is serving some need of his but I can't imagine he will continue to be a kind and supportive partner

widespreadpanic · 02/11/2020 17:28

After two months he already has anew gf AND she’s been introduced to his fam??? He’s moving way too fast and I’m sure he will be dropping her like a hot potato shortly.

He’s obviously not worth it i he could move on that quickly, be thankful as he did you a favor.

willowmelangell · 02/11/2020 17:55

The new gf sounds very desperate to convince all that she is living the dream.
So very sad.
You have dodged a bullet.
He is an arse. An utter using arse.
He won't change. He is complicit in the staged photo shoots because it boosts his ego.

So easy for me to say all this behind a keyboard.
Respect yourself OP. Set your limits. One day at a time.
Love yourself OP and I hope you move on and past this.

PixelatedLunchbox · 02/11/2020 17:59

@feelingsadtoday2021

I really think he has changed for her and it's making me really sad
No. He hasn't. His true colours will emerge.
Original poster
feelingsadtoday2021 · 02/11/2020 19:10

Thank you all

I ve blocked him on everything and her now as well just need to be strong

It's hard seeing how well he had treated her and I was just an option

I think I have really low self esteem to still be checking what they are doing

I just wonder if I had been less available would he had treated me better

OP posts:
Etinox · 02/11/2020 19:13

He’s abusive
He hasn’t changed
You’ve dodged a bullet
Do the Freedom programme
Flowers

Mydogmylife · 02/11/2020 19:17

@feelingsadtoday2021

I hate myself for thinking that I have missed out on an amazing man and she is lucky to have him

I am aware how mad I sound

I think you can imagine how much my real life friends are fed up with his name as this has been going on since December

Reread what you posted about his previous behaviour. You are most definately not missing out on an 'amazing man' rather you've dodged a bullet. And as a pp says Facebook is not real!
Butterfly1066 · 02/11/2020 19:37

Do kind things for yourself

Bettereveryday1 · 02/11/2020 21:17

Maybe they are happy an he's treating her well.
It's no business of yours.

FetchezLaVache · 02/11/2020 23:47

It's hard seeing how well he had treated her

Think of it instead as 'he hasn't started abusing her yet'. But he will. You are well shot. Well done for blocking him, you don't need your head messing with even more. Onwards and upwards for you.

Buggedandconfused · 03/11/2020 00:36

OP, when I met my ex I was the first woman he’d introduced to his family after his divorce. He said I was ‘the one’, we were the loved up couple on Facebook. I knew he’d had a fair few short term relationships before me and had left a few broken hearts. Our relationship moved fast and I thought I’d met the man of my dreams. He said he’d had a fair few relationships before me but not met ‘the one’ until me so it made it ok in my mind. Within a year he had cheated on me, was gaslighting me, was an appalling father to his kids, became selfish and abusive. He was a classic narcissist/sociopath. I stayed with him for three years as he gaslighted me and fucked with my head.
I’m just telling you this as these men are incapable of treating anyone decently. Not when they meet ‘the one’ or when they meet anyone. The new girlfriend you talk of is going to get treated the same, guaranteed. I was treated horribly even though he professed to love me and we were planning to live together etc etc. It is impossible for them to miraculously change. Nice men do not treat anyone badly full stop. Nice men are good parents. Nice men respect women. Your ex is not a nice guy.

Original poster
feelingsadtoday2021 · 03/11/2020 01:07

Thank you all so much

I know it's nothing to do with me what he does now and it's irrational but it has made me feel
Anxious and sick

OP posts:
Original poster
feelingsadtoday2021 · 03/11/2020 08:59

I just wish I could stop feeling so irrational and sad

OP posts:
Dery · 03/11/2020 09:35

“I just wish I could stop feeling so irrational and sad”

It’s very hard when you’re feeling that kind of pain. But a big learning for me in my 30s (many do it sooner!) was to have me feelings rather than my feelings having me. Those are your feelings right now but you can act despite having those feelings. It’s tougher in lockdown and you need some space to grieve but now is also the time to pamper yourself and get busy and interested in other things. My sister took up piano playing years ago to help heal a broken heart and will soon be taking her Grade 8 exam. She’s also since met and married the love of her life. It hurts now but you will be fine. Start getting busy and interested in other things to help you on your journey of recovery.

Original poster
feelingsadtoday2021 · 03/11/2020 10:39

Thank you !
I know it's time to move and be more positive

OP posts:
Original poster
feelingsadtoday2021 · 10/11/2020 16:58

Just a quick update

A week or so on I am feeling so much better !
Thank you all for helping me through I realise now when rereading this thred how much advice @Rockinmomma gave me

Thank you all !
Time to change my username I feel

OP posts:
ThatsMeChickenArm · 10/11/2020 18:23

Yay! I'm glad you are feeling better and getting it all into perspective. It's shit but finding a bit of anger and cynicism is your friend here. It will protect your heart.

Sit back and wait. Leopards don't change their spots. She will be in the same position as you eventually. No one is shit all the time or they would never get into a relationship but their fundamental abusiveness also doesn't go away. By and by you will hear a snippet here and a snippet there and you will hug these to yourself and be glad he is in your past. Patience OP. Patience.

Original poster
feelingsadtoday2021 · 10/11/2020 18:59

@ThatsMeChickenArm

Thanks ! I also began to realise that sometimes subtly he used to put me down and make me feel bad about myself so I am gradually feeling much more like my old self

He is actually a pretty toxic person but clearly good at getting the ladies to fall for him

Onwards and upwards I say !

OP posts:
Butterfly1066 · 10/11/2020 19:39

Good effort

Glad you're beginning to feel better

Feel sorry for her thinking she has a prince when she has a major toad

Original poster
feelingsadtoday2021 · 10/11/2020 19:40

Thanks

I felt horrible and shitty so it's nice to begin to feel like my old self again

OP posts:
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