How do I improve my mother's relationship with her grandchildren? Long sorry.

[Pennies]

My mother is in her 70s and is ageing. 5 years ago she had a brain haemorrhage (sp) which added years onto her. She's recovered fully but it has slowed her and increased her already present depression. She grew up during the war, basically was brought up by grandparents and boarding school while her parents larged it in Hong Kong, so there's a lot of psychological damage there which wasn't improved by a failed marriage.

She came to stay this weekend and it was heartbreaking to see her total inability to bond with my DDs (3yrs and almost 2 yrs). I'd been telling them she was coming so they were looking forward to it but her reticence and almost tangible fear of getting it wrong made her attempts at play or connection seem very hammed up and they sussed it out pretty quickly and were almost scared of her.

I encouraged her and them to try and play but it wasn't happening. After about 2 days of this, with her withdrawing from them more and more I suggested that she tried to read stories to them. I thought this would be an easy and passive activity for her that would engage them and be fun for all. So instead of getting out a load of books she sits them down and starts telling them a version of Watership Down from memory. Trouble is she couldn't really remember it and was also trying to make it less tragic so there was little contiuum or coherent plot. DD2 wandered off and DD1 was totally confused and kept asking where the wolf was.

Today, I asked my mum to do a puzzle with DD2 whilst I took some washing upstairs. Initally DD2 screamed and wasn't keen but I said she had to and just left them to it. It went quiet soon enough and I was happy that they'd finally managed to do something together. The doorbell then went and I came downsatirs to see mum sitting in the lounge doing the puzzle on her own and DD2 STANDING on the kitchen table. We had words.

I don't see how on earth I can get this relationship off the ground. She seems to have no concept of what is required for small children and whilst I totally accept this is possibly due to her age / brain haemmorage I can see how much it is hurting her, upsetting me and confusing the DDs.

I feel a mixture of anger, sadness and a strong desire to help, but don't know where to start. I almost feel like there's no point in trying.

If she wants to tell stories from memory is there any way you could encourage her to tell your dcs about things from her childhood/the way things used to be that might catch their attention?

What about drawing or playing with playdoh or something? Could you all do that together?

Sorry, I don't know much about this age group and what they might find fun.

Some of my strongest memories of my grandmother from that age are of songs and games she taught me. Are there any from your childhood that you remember and she could teach your dcs? Or baking - was she a domestic kind of mum?

Not at all domestic.

I did suggest anecdotes but she says she doen't really remember any and when she tried one it was in the same disjointed vein that didn't work with Watership Down. I suggested some of the books we have (and we have lots) and she said she didn't like any of them.

We tried drawing. She's is / was a very talented artist in her time. Her thing is horses and she can draw them extremely well. Too well it seems because she kept getting all perfectionist on each attempt and again the girls lost interest. She couldn't see that any old sketch of a nag would delight them; for her it had to be fit for display at a gallery.

It's like she puts up a barrier at every opportunity.

Hiya,
I had the same probs with my MIL but I decided it was better in the end to give up.
But I understand you wanting to try with your mum, perhaps you could take the lead and start the book reading with your tots and then hand the book over to your mum to finish the book while you cook tea, get washing in etc...
If your mum genuinly likes kids [my MIL did'nt]
then there's hope, does your mum enjoy being out in the garden? perhaps she could help your tots put some winter bulbs in, push them on the swing etc...
When my son was younger i used to collect those muller fruit corner youghert pots and make them into finger puppets I'm sure you could find some sort of craft, past time that your mum could do with the kids that she enjoys too.
Just remember thou that your mum may not be as 'safety aware ' as you.
GOOD LUCK X

ooh that's a good idea about gardening. I could get them planting bulbs together (will it be too late at Xmas?)

You're right about not liking kids in general but I think she wants to like her GC but doesn't know how.

Tried starting things off and then leaving. Tantrum-tastic.

The BH may have affected her more than you think - personally i wouldn't try to engineer anything as the kids will just hate it and think she's a chore. It would be different if she was fitter, but you might have to accept she's getting old and isn't in good health so forcing the issue is probably going to be upsetting for both of you.
Lisa X

Put CBeebies on quietly in the background. This will take the pressure off a bit. Then leave plenty of toys lying about. Show her how some of the toys work. Then let her play with them, as well as the children. Toys are fun at any age. You need to encourage her to come down to their level and just play, and enjoy herself. Don't make her be the grown-up for a while. I don't mean you have to patronise her or treat her like a child. You can join in and play with the toys as well.