How to be less accommodating/more selfish!

[Bella123a]

My partner thinks I always put people/him first and wants me to put myself first and let him do things for me. I wouldn't know where to start as I've always been a pleaser. How can I do this?

Be more cat, be less dog!

what does he want to do for you?

Do you like yourself? If you do, then hopefully you’ll feel that you deserve nice things and for others to be nice to you.

Perhaps start by not thinking of it as being 'selfish', that straight away makes it sound like doing anything for yourself is negative and bad.

Looking after yourself as well as others is a normal thing and means having a healthy attitude to yourself. People pleasers often have no real boundaries in place and go overboard trying to keep others happy.

Knowing when to look after yourself and put yourself first is a life skill as an adult surely?

And if he offers to do something nice for you - just say yes? What sort of things does he mean?

He thinks I always put him first and he wants to be able to do things for me. He says he wants an equal. I do look after myself but I've always been one to do things for my family and loved ones at the same time and I've never seen an issue with it before.

Do you drive? Maybe ask him to valet your car for you. Be interesting to see what he says

If you look after yourself as well as your family/loved ones then that's fine, there is no issue with that.

If he wants you to let him do things for you then he either needs to just do them, or suggest things. Is he asking you to tell him things he can do for you?

@TeaMeBasil no, he just mentioned he would like me to let him do things for me, to look after me more. I'm just not someone who needs anything. If something really bothered me, I wouldn't do it.

Do you want to change, or is it just him trying to get you to do things differently from your natural way? Does your people-pleasing cause any problems for you outside of your relationship with him?

I don't think you need to worry about doing anything to enable him doing things for you.

Next time he does something for you or tries to, just let him if you're happy with it. He only needs to offer so he can manage to come up with 'things' on his own.

As long as you take care of you as well as others, I can't see you are doing anything wrong. Does he think you go too far for other people? What you think is the main thing though, if you're happy & feel it's all reasonable then don't change.

Do you make him feel like a bit of a spare prick at an orgy?

Perhaps you're hyper-efficient?

@category12 certainly not hyper efficient but as a single parent, I'm organised and used to doing things myself. What I like from him is time/consideration but I don't think he is used to someone not demanding things from him and he wants to do more.

Is he a live-out partner?

I think the only way to do it is to just start doing it. 'The Disease to Please' can be a good book to help.

Some men unfortunately could have not entirely pure motives for doing this, it could be a way of trying to make you more dependent, for him to have more power in the relationship, or to do stuff to feel better about himself.

It's like one who insisted he pay for a meal, when I personally was uncomfortable with it. If they don't readily take no for an answer it's a bad sign.

So, you be the one to choose what you want to do. If you don't feel the need for what he wants to do, he will have to accept that.

@SoulofanAggron i don't believe he has ulterior motives but perhaps I'm too nice.

This is a bit odd. Surely if he has suggested it, he must have some specific idea of what he wants to do for you which he feels he’s not getting the chance to do ?

It's a good sign that he doesn't want a doormat. Is your people pleasing impacting on the relationship? Are you overly invested in getting involved in other people's dramas or are you doing too much; lending money you don't have or enabling toxic people etc...

Personally, I please myself. It's easy to put yourself first, do what you feel like, go for what you want and have goals to focus on; that could be career, education, sport etc. Have standards and boundaries, enforce them. Don't care about the opinions of others unless those opinions matter... Don't worry about being seen as nice.

HMM this is an odd one. I am a people pleaser. I have been programmed to be like this since my mother had me as a servant from a very early age leaving my siblings to play, and then at 16 when she took off and left us - I was already armed with the skills to use the washing machine and to do the ironing - a cinch for a person with slave mentality :(
... And of course the cleaning and cooking and the washing up since nobody else in the house could do anything and was not prepared to start now............

Deep breath.............

And so it follows into adult life where I was a willing doormat for everybody. and did everything for my family right up to now and still am doing it. I took a nap today and when I woke up nobody had brought the washing in or thought to tell me. Nobody does a thing for me and I feckingwell resent it. I resent it when they leave the kitchen in a mess and I resent their things being dumped anywhere and left for ever if I did not remove the offending objects. I resent not finding the bathroom the way I left it, and most of all I resent being looked upon as a miserable bastard when I say I am pissed off.

There. I said it.

Let him do anything to please you and enjoy it. I know I would :)

Or thought to tell me it was raining......... I meant to add.

God I feel strangely furious now :(

What sort of things does he want to do for you?

What things do you for other people that he thinks is too much?

Your OP isn't very clear.

@walksonthebeach he hasn't been clear, he just says I do everything nice for him but he wants to be able to do things for me! We don't live together and he's naturally a pleaser himself.

Well he can surely, so why doesn't he just do them? Does he need you to tell him what to do?

I think you are over-worrying about this a little bit..

I will directly answer the question; he can:

• cook your favourite meal for you
• bring you flowers for no reason other than showing appreciation
• give you massages
• take on a domestic duty that usually falls to you
• take you out to dinner
• drive you places if it would make your journey easier

What nice things do you do for him that make his life easier/make him happy? Would these actions have the same benefit to you? Perhaps he can mirror what you're doing a bit.

Also to add if you don't live together: can he take responsibility for planning your dates? Is it usually you who is the planner?