Cassandra syndrome (married to someone with aspergers and *really* struggling)

[Sixeight]

www.theneurotypical.com/cassandra_phenomenon.html

Wow, this rings a lot of bells.

I’m really struggling with my marriage at the moment (if you look at my other posts you’ll realise why). Dh has no official dx, but he is so similar to ds (asc (aspergers), spd, adhd etc) that there isn’t any question really.

I’m feeling trapped, miserable - but I can’t leave as dh can’t parent ds without huge amounts of stress on both their parts. If we split, I couldn’t refuse contact as it’s not fair, he’s their dad. I’m staying atm as as I’m on medication that is coping with the panic attacks. If I go no one will understand why I left such a lovely husband. Lockdown isn’t helping.

If I address it now, I risk pulling the rug out from under my entire family’s feet during lockdown. I could wait till this is over. Or I could wait till the kids are at college - 6 years till ds is 18?

I’m interested in hearing other people’s experiences of Cassandra syndrome, and what the outcome was.

Thank you in advance....

It's tough isn't it. No useful advice, sorry. But just to offer a handhold and to say I understand what it's like

Why couldn't you leave but facilitate contact - ie be with them both during contact. Or do you think that would be too painful/emotionally confusing for ds &/or dh?

@needanewidea

It's tough isn't it. No useful advice, sorry. But just to offer a handhold and to say I understand what it's like

Can you tell me more, @needanewidea? I must have been living it for a couple of decades, but this is all new to me. I would very much appreciate other people’s experiences.

@candycane222

Why couldn't you leave but facilitate contact - ie be with them both during contact. Or do you think that would be too painful/emotionally confusing for ds &/or dh?

If we are separated, I don’t think dh would appreciate me ‘overseeing’ his contact time... :(. He has consciously taken a step back from parenting ds (and left it all to me) but, were we to separate, I know he would not welcome my input.

Ds is 12. Is he old enough to decide who he stays with?

Sixeight I don't know I'm afraid, but I would hope close if not quite there yet.

This sounds so hard for you. I'm sorry.

@Sixeight, At 12 he would be deemed old enough to make decisions.

You cant leave because he couldnt care for a child alone, but he doesnt do any caring anyway. So whats the problem? Your DS is old enough for his wishes to be taken into account.

If you want to leave, you can leave.

@Sixeight
You might want to have a look at this thread,
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3524836-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-support-thread-4-replacement-one

Get out OP. Your DH's issues should not be your issues for the rest of your life, when they cannot be resolved. It's good that your realising it now before the whole of your life is over and you still have plenty of years to enjoy your life.

Yes re your DS, his wishes and feelings will be listened to if that is necessary.

OP - what happens after divorce depends on a few factors. Your H’s current involvement in childcare is one. Your child’s preference where to stay is another.
At 12 - there will most likely be an expectation that a child spends at least some time with the parent.
And I don’t think at that age he can quite refuse yet. But by 16 - he certainly would be able to refuse.

However - I understand that you are having troubles in your relationship and think he may be on a spectrum. However - your son is 12 and his relationship with his dad needs to be taken into account. And at that age - it’s hard to believe that an adult who - I presume manages to care for himself and work - that they can’t spend a bit of time with a 12yo. And your son may want to see their father anyway.

So - in your place - try to understand what your son would actually prefer in a hypothetical situation and then make a decision.

I remember you and sadly you are still tying yourself up in unnecessary knots by further using cassandra syndrome to excuse and otherwise minimise the abuse you've been subjected to for many years. If your DH is not diagnosed you cannot assume he is anywhere on any spectrum of any sort.

There is no way you should remain within this marriage at all, let alone for another 6 years. This will give him another 6 years in which to abuse you and in turn your kids who are growing up seeing all this abuse at first hand.

This is what I wrote to you in your previous recent thread:-

Do you really think that such a man would actually want anything to do with his children post separation? I doubt that very much because he will be out there instead priming and otherwise targeting his next girlfriend/victim. Sadly too you are not able to fully protect your children from his abuses of you and in turn them because he is still in the marital home. Your son would have an advocate if you separated and that person is you. Do not stay within this just because you think your son won’t have an advocate for him going forward.

I would strongly urge you not to embark on any form of mediation with him, it is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

That website is fucking disgusting, talks about people with autism as manipulative psychopaths and links them with school shootings.

Your DS is 12. He has some ability to look after himself, not a toddler. I would not waste another 6 years in your current situation. You will go “mental” with misery, probably. Your son will pick up that vibe for sure btw.

@crwnhgow this is actually a zombie thread but you’re right about that website. it’s horrendous.

It doesn’t even describe autism accurately - there’s a huge reliance on stereotypes and it doesn’t begin to address the typically different presentation between the sexes.

It’s absolute bollocks but as an autistic individual myself I should be used to reading such claptrap by now. The trouble is, people read this kind of nonsense and believe it to be true.