Abandoned by Teenagers

[Solyluna46]

I’m a guy in a 6 month relationship with a lovely woman who has been separated for 6 years. She has 2 children, daughter 14+ Son 17 who live with her ex.
They used to live 50/50 but about 18 months ago the son decided to live with his father. A year ago the daughter did the same, cutting off her mother 100%.
The daughter, who has mental health problems won’t even speak to her mother now.
This causes great anxiety with her mother.
I get on really well with this woman and we share lots of interests and have an emotional and physical connection like I have never had before.
But frequently her anxieties about her kids causes Big arguments between us.
I try to be supportive but feel helpless as there is not a lot that I can do.
I am not sure if I want to continue this relationship with the amount of anxieties that it brings.
I don’t mean to be selfish, but there is only so much support I can offer, and I wonder if there is a future between us.
Has anyone else been in a similar position, advice appreciated.

Your relationship is already unhealthy emotionally because its chock full of drama with big highs and deep lows; this is not what a relationship should be all about anyway and particularly after a mere six months. What are you getting out of this?. Being a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship never works.

Why do you think/assume her daughter has mental health problems?. Is that purely based on what her mother has told you?. Children too do not necessarily cut out a parent on a whim; there is far more to this than what you are aware of and I do not think you know the half of it. I would walk away.

What a sad situation. Why have they cut her off?

OP you sound like a kind man.. maybe stepping back is the right thing.. just for a while 🌺

Is it possible that the same reason why you're considering leaving is the same reason both her kids decided to stay with their father?

Good grief! If there is already so much drama and angst this early on when it should still be the happy 'honeymoon' phase of a new relationship, then I would run for the hills. My first thought was that she was emotional abusive and so unstable that her kids sought sanctuary at their father’s home. If her daughter has cut contact by 100%, it would set alarm bells ringing!

PS: I find the heading ‘Abandoned by teenagers’ incredibly hyperbolic. Is this her interpretation and how she views what has happened? I would actually take a look at the multitude of ‘Stately Home’ threads on here and read through similar exclamations by abusive, narcissistic mothers. For some reason, I am reminded of a comedian talking how some ‘psycho’ women are incredibly good in the sack and how thinking with their dick, many men would be weighing up whether it was worth the drama for a great shag, including even investing in a stab-proof vest.

If there is no contact between the mum and daughter why is there still drama? Is she just talking about it all the time or what? Is the other child the go between passing on messages or winding her up or what? If you don’t see someone you can’t have drama,I’m just trying to understand what’s happening.

There’s an old book called women are from Venus and men are from Mars (or vice versa!) that says guys like to find answers and solve problems. It also says women don’t always need that, they’d just appreciate someone to provide sympathy or empathy and just listen to them vent.

Perhaps that applies to you two.

While it would be great if you could fix her problems you have to accept you can’t. And just listen, make tea and be understanding. However too much of that would try the patience of a saint so perhaps what she needs is proper counselling.

Then she can have someone listen to her and you won’t have to. And if she does go for counselling she could find out if talking all the time about it with you/others is good or bad for her mental health (I’d suggest the councillor would say to save daughter drama chat for their sessions and in the meantime get on with life and don’t talk about it) in which case you could remind her that you know she’s very upset but the counsellor said to save it for their meetings so let’s think happier thoughts and talk about nice thing to cheer you up etc. And then change the subject.

If she pulls you up for that then you can refer her to what the counsellor said like ‘doctors orders’ kind of thing from the counsellor and you only want what’s best for her mental health and change the subject.

I’d suggest thats the way forward. Counselling.

If it doesn’t work and she is unable to have a relationship with you without doing your head right in then perhaps you could try and say you don’t like to see her upset all the time and you don’t want to talk about it continually as going over and over it won’t fix it and is only upsetting her and you because you’re upset that she’s upset.

If she can’t get that or attacks you for not caring about her or something then you need to walk away before you go crazy. Her children should come first but your feelings are valid too.

She may be very upset but it could be her own fault, we don’t know, that she drives everyone away. Again counselling would help with all of that too.

It's quite a big thing for teenagers to cut their mother out entirely.

I would suggest that you don't have the full story behind this.

I cut contact with my mother in my 30s. I would have had ground to do it in my teens but I was still too young and vulnerable.

At the very least, you are involved with someone who has a high drama lifestyle. Unless that is something you are actively seeking or wish to solve for her (which would mean you have your own issues, quite frankly) then I would extricate yourself.

It really isn't going to get any better.

This has the potential to damage you, your life and your mental health. You are allowed to be selfish when it is for self protection.

Wow, thanks everyone for your quick responses, I really do appreciate your input, as I don’t really have anyone else to discuss this with.
My GF does have her own abandonment issues as her parents pretty much left her when she was a late teenager. And loads of anxiety issues, she was also sexually assaulted when younger. She does get counselling too, ongoing I believe.
We really do get on when these issues are not raised, but it is happening too often now. I really would like to help her, but it’s becoming a burden, and my gut instinct is to call it a day. Thanks again for pretty much confirming what I have been feeling.

Tbh, you can't help her and she isn't ready for a relationship until she has addressed and, at least somewhat, resolved these issues for herself.

Lots of us were abandoned, either physically or emotionally, and many more of us have been sexually assaulted. Lots of people have anxiety too.

But it is not for a new partner to take on that burden. It won't be a healthy relationship with so much trauma. She needs to address that away from a relationship.

If you haven’t raised this issue with her recently, would still give her a chance to change.

I’d discuss it with her and explain that her talking about the ongoing issues with her child are taking over her life and affecting your relationship. That the drama is too much for both of you, and can she not discuss those things with her counsellor instead. What’s she saying about it all.

See if she is open to making more of an effort to ditch the drama.

If not then ditch her for your own mental health.

OP has only been with this woman for 6 months. It is far too soon to expect him to take on board all of her baggage. I still reckon that the sort of person who burdens a new romantic partner to that extent probably drove her kids away with her overwhelming neediness. While those are all sad issues, they are not a carte blanche to act like a total drama llama. The very fact that a very young teenager felt compelled to such drastic measures should be ringing alarm bells, nay actual fecking claxons! Run OP as fast and far as you can. You really don’t owe her anymore gruelling counselling sessions.

Use the lockdown if you must, be creative with your reasons if you want to let her down gently but get out before she drags you down and affects your mental health too. And once you ended it, don't stay in contact. Make a clean get away.

She’s not ready to be in a relationship. Her focus needs to be on her mh and it doesn’t sound like she can combine that and maintain a healthy relationship with you.

If her anxiety and abandonment issues are severe enough to make her teenagers escape to their dad and cut her out completely then she has to deal with her issues. She won't change unless she recognises how her behaviour pushes others away and decides she wants to change.

If you continue a relationship with her, she's going to be pushing her issues onto you. It sounds like a lot of hassle to take on.

Look up BPD or emotionally unstable personality disorder OP.

I don't understand how her situation with her daughter is causing the two of you to argue with each other?

I assume you're not part of the reason they don't speak?

It honestly sounds like too much hard work to me, I'd be rethinking the relationship too.

Cut your loses and move on. As quickly as possible. You don't need this drama in your life.

I think she deserves a chance for you to at least have a heart to heart. In other ways your relationship sounds great. life has been cruel to her and she needs a kind man to show some support (which you have done). It could be her kids are just little shits who have been brainwashed by their dad. Tell her how you are feeling and that you are tired of the situation and see if you can work on some boundaries to help her move on even some CBT, other interventions. My relationship situation is different to yours but we had some difficulties in the early years which pushed us to the limit and I Felt like walking away many times. God 12 years on I’m so glad I didn’t.

Sunflower, you have put into words what i have been thinking for a while.
I don’t know why the kids left their mum, except that the dad seems to give them carte Blanche and they can do what they like. My GF tries to discuss kids with the father at times likes birthdays etc, but then just gets mostly grief from him. Think that he may have turned kids against their mum. Then she gets upset and feels unwanted again. GF does then need my support, but I’m not sure how things can settle down long term.

Judy, no it’s nothing to do with me, all happened before we met.

@Sunflower1970 what a kind measured post. Blimey some other people are awful!

FAQs Thank you x
Solyluna46 I hope you can have the conversation with her and see if you can work on things. Sounds like she is trying to give boundaries and be a good mum. She must be heartbroken. I think (at our age!) - not sure how old you both are! but everyone is going to have baggage from their past that needs a bit of work. Good luck

I do n’t think you can brainwash teenagers, they will have their own opinion based on her behaviour over years.

Be careful she does n’t drag you down with her.

Abandoned? I wonder why you chose that word for the title. Is this about her being abandoned as a teenager and now that dynamic is being repeated? Like she on one level is expecting her kids to also abandon her. So has pushed them away before they can do so. Anyway, you don't have to deal with this, she does. I'd leave, sorry mate.