What is the 'ick'?

[why2020]

Hear this a lot on Mumsnet, what is it and is it a reason to leave a relationship?

It's the feeling of repulsion towards a partner, and I would say so yes.

It's where you are completely turned off them and the thought of being intimate with them is just ugh.
It's absolutely a good reason to leave a relationship...especially if the other person still wants to have an intimate relationship with you!

There is also no going back from the ick.

@DigitalChristmas

There is also no going back from the ick.

Probably coming back is more apt

I had an ick, then he changed his behaviour for a while and in a moment of weakness we had sex. Yep, can confirm that was it.
I haven't left the relationship because I don't want my young children half of the week with a dad that gets drunk every night. He is a functioning alcoholic. The court wouldn't stop him having the dc over his drinking because it's not bad enough but i know the anxiety of whether he is drink driving, left the gas cooker on, left the doors open etc. Financially it's also better to stay. We sleep separarely and his long work hours help. Officially we are a couple but in reality like housemates. I'd still rather this way than separation while the children are young. When they are teens I will separate.

If I was just dating or had no dc with mr. Ick i would bin in a heartbeat.

I think 'The Ick' is nonsense and gives a lot of women unnecessary fear about getting it, like it's a terminal illness.

What they are describing is the point where a woman stops idealising her partner, and gets to know him as a full person, which shock horror, includes faults. In psychological terms, it's a disgust response. We are attracted to people's personalities not just their bodies, and this 'ick' comes from the disillusionment women get.

This disgust can absolutely ebb & flow, and can even come about because of pregnancy (and then go away) or the menstrual cycle. You can read into if it wants - when it' something to do with the woman, it's partly to do with pheromones and hormones.

I think the ick describes those little habits that are either overlooked in the early days or only develop when a relationship has got to the comfortable stage. With someone who you love dearly you can accept it as a foible and get over it, or chat about it and get over it.

With a not quite right partner this minor irritant turns into a monster and there is no getting past it, in retrospect it can be quite funny.

An ex of mine did what I named ‘The Rottle’. It was a particularly sinusy sniff. I addressed the issue in the early days but it eventually crept back in and I couldn’t be bothered to talk about it again because I realised I didn’t care enough. The expectation of The Rottle filled the room, quiet was filled with the suspense of it and the noise went straight down my back. He didn’t do it when in company, just at home.

Of course there were other issues which meant it would never work, but I think the Ick is the prior notice that your subconscious gives on the matter.

You dont need to put a label on going off a partner. If someone annoys/disgusts you and doesnt change their behaviour, then you are going to get more irritated with them over time. And that irritation will grow to be in everything they do, even things you tolerated before.

Fat Controller

And how worn down and out will you be by then however?. There is always some reason to hold off leaving but there is never a good time to leave anyway. The 3cs re alcoholism are you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. You by remaining there enable him and along with that this shitty situation to continue.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Waiting potentially till the kids are teens is a mistake of huge proportions. Your children likely already see how preoccupied and otherwise worried you are because of your H and as such you are not fully emotionally available to them either. They know you sleep separately and see the empties, they sense and pick up on all the vibes here and know that life in their house is not quite the same as it is for their friends. They won't want to bring friends home and they wonder what mood their dad will be in.

Do you also think that your current H would at all want his children around post separation let alone for a potential half the week (mere supposition on your part); he would likely see them as interrupting his drinking time. Do not be afraid to take some control back here and properly move on with your life with your children and without the alcoholic in your day to day lives. This man's primary relationship is with drink; its not with anyone or anything else.

I would urge you to reconsider your decision; make the break now rather than when they are teenagers. Doing this to them and to yourself for financial (and your own) reasons is no reason at all to stay with an alcoholic and it will only give him more years in which to drag you and your kids down with him. Being an adult child of an alcoholic brings with it too its own set of emotional issues, do not continue to raise your children within such an environment. They will not say "thank you" to you for doing that.

At the very least contact Al-anon and seek proper legal advice rather than acting on and out of your own fears re his access to your children.

To me "the ick" doesn't even have to be something big like total loss of attraction to them. It could be something small you just can't get past.
A flaw that you grow to hate. A habit you now cannot stand. Even something which you used to find endearing.

It is a relationship killer and if you ignore it, you'll only end up miserable.