Another lockdown - another divorce?

[Fivefatsausages]

Dear Mumsnetters

I’m not sure I have posted before but am at a complete loss....

I’m effectively in a 11 year marriage (Dh 18 years older - think important to stress). Marriage is literally on its last thread.

I have a very happy life from the outside - I live in a leafy London suburb house and husband have professional well paid jobs with a lovely life style but I am so lonely and have been for about 4 years. Marriage has no touch let alone sex and I often end up moving to the spare bedroom as weirdly struggle to sleep in our bed.

DD1 is five. I have tried doing some extra curricular activities to meet friends etc. (as recommended on a Mumsnet post) but it’s not feeling enough.

I’m 36 and I am scared I will wake up one day feeling I’ve not had the courage to leave but there are two things I’m not sure I can cope with:

1. Reduced time with my DD1 - literally breaks my heart
2. Telling everyone.

Financial matters are fine (fortunately) and earn sufficient that wouldn’t be too impactful.

Is there anyone else... no but it feels like there is... I daydream a lot about being on holidays/ living a life that’s not with my husband.

Any advice on what you have done in this position - do you just stick it out putting your child’s happiness first (which was always my aim), or are you brave and do your best on your own.

DH isn’t bad per se, just uninterested in me. He knows there are issues as have said before but just oblivious to me.

Any help would be so appreciative...

English a bit bad but if wordsmith too much won’t post!

Long term dd will be happier with two happy parents. Sounds like he's checked out of your marriage already.

Your daughter going forward will be apart from you sometimes anyway. You cannot use the reasons stated as potential reasons to stay with this marriage at all, a marriage you describe as being on its last thread. What you are basically saying by using her is that you are afraid to move on with your own life. Do not use your DD here in such a manner, it’s not fair on her and it places a terribly heavy burden on her too.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what is she learning here?. Is this really the model you want to be showing her, for this to be her blueprint when it comes to her own relationships?. Divorce is not failure, living in unhappiness is.

If your DD as an adult was in such a marriage would you be advising her to stay within it for the reasons you state?. No you would not and it’s not good enough for you either. Even at her young age she will be picking up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken, between you and her dad. It’s no legacy to leave her.

Be brave and make the break whilst she is young. Butter to be from a so called broken home than to remain in one and for what are really your own poor reasons.

And as for telling people well those that matter will not mind and those that mind do not matter. Your separation and divorce certainly won’t be headline news amongst your friends permanently, it’s not really their business or concern either. You may be afraid too because on another level telling people that you are separating may make it sound more real to you.

Have you talked to your husband and/or had any counselling?

Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. I felt very sad and lonely in my
Marriage for a couple of years before it ended. I spent years saying 'if i can just
Get the youngest to 2/3/4' then one day that sentence changed To end with 'school' and i stopped dead and realised i couldnt wait any longer. So perhaps you will know when its time?

To address your points, regarding losing time with your daughter. Agree with PP about two happy parents being far healthier. I am also a child whose parents stayed together for her. And thats a hell of a burden to carry. Looking at them miserable in retirement and unfulfilled because they were not brave enough to make decisions earlier. And that sacrifice is 'for me'. Also, your time with DD will be so much more free and satisfying when you are happier. And also her Dad will have to step up which is better for her. The free time takes time to adjust into-years actually. But you do. Even though my ex H was not a brilliant husband he is a good father and i struggled less
To treat him as my equal as a parent then many do. I know my mum doesn't understand why i am not more jealous or
Am so happy to work as a team.

And also, re telling people, why would anyone be interested or care. Most people around you see you sleepwalking through life
Dead behind the eyes and are just waiting for you to say something. People these days are not that judgemental. And if they are then.. you don't need them.

As a single parent myself and knowing how hard it is I still also agree with this is not good for ANY of you.

There's no marriage really it's already dead you're just living in the same house and I strongly feel even if you don't realise it, it will be a home with a tense and uncomfortable atmosphere almost all the time which your dd WILL be affected by. However much you think you're hiding it.

I've known friends who've been the children in that scenario and now friends who've been in your position - ALL say it would have been far better for all concerned if the marriages had ended/ended far sooner than they did! To a person!

You'll see less of dd but that's normal as they get older anyway, I'm currently dealing with empty nest here! But that's what is supposed to happen.

Re telling people - it's so common these days people will barely bat an eye to be honest. Those closest to you may well actually turn around and say things akin to "about damn time! Good for you" because they want you to be happy!

You're still young enough IF you want to, to meet and have dc with someone new. However that's not essential. I'm perfectly happy staying single, I've dated over the years but not met anyone worth sacrificing my independence and the lovely bond I had with dd for. Staying single is absolutely a valid and happy choice for many.

Please don't stay and continue to be miserable, it serves nobody really.

Leave. Be happy. Be a happy mum
to your girl!

Honestly, if you're not actively arguing and you feel safe I would first work out your finances and then sit down with DH and see where he honestly thinks this is going. If he's not responsive, I would send the rest of 2020 getting yourself in the best position to leave in the new year unless you feel unsafe. If he wants to stay married you need to make a concrete plan together on how you're going to resolve these issues whether that be therapy, date nights or making time to chat about non DC issues.

What lovely, supportive responses. I really appreciate them.

I was anticipating a lot less positive.

There’s not much I can do with the current lockdown, and then Christmas will arrive, so think I need to start preparing post then.

My husband is aware on the table, but I shan’t mention again - I have a month of lockdown to contend with!

Hope you stay safe and happy.

Xxx