If I ask someone to go slow with me, am I indirectly committing to a serious relationship?

[roujelips]

I'm 27 and I've never dated or had a relationship in any way (horrible teenage years leading to a rough period health wise). At the start of the summer I downloaded Bumble and I've ended up connecting with someone I do like.

We've been on four or five dates and message daily, but all of the dates have been sober and outdoors... we've not kissed.

TBH I'm not sure. I like him and it's easy and comfortable, but I don't know if I'm attracted to him. He's asked if I want to come to his house for dinner and I think I'm going to have to explain some of all this... where the hell to start?!

I don't want to waste his time, hurt him or promise him more than I can deliver and I'm so out of my depth I'm floundering.

If you do decide to explain I’d make it general , short and sweet.

You can explain more once you get to know him better. It’s only been 4 dates, you don’t need to promise anything.

He obviously wants to go on seeing you and enjoys your company. You like him and find him easy and comfortable.

That’s a good start.

Well, firstly. Well done on getting out there. It sounds like you've had a hard time one thing and another.... It's hard to give advice in this situation..... I think you should be honest but not overshare. Tell him you like him but are still seeing where it's going...... One thing I will say is you don't owe anyone a relationship, you don't owe them anything. You shouldn't promise more than you deliver, but he might get hurt, as might you..... It's a risk we all take in relationships..... You can't try and protect him from everything....that's not your responsibility.

So , why aren't you sure if you're attracted to him?

Without sounding horrible he's not tall, dark and handsome. I am also very very nervous about physical intimacy because I told myself that it would never happen for such a long time.

I'm enjoying going on dates with him, but I am also enjoying the novelty of being on a date, if that makes sense? It's not as bad as I thought it would be.

@roujelips

I would say that perhaps skip dinner at his house? It's known as an intimate date with just the two of you in private.

Perhaps given that you aren't sure you are attracted to him it would be wise to
Continue the outdoorsy type of events or even dinner in public. Restrictions pending etc

I think that would probably be wise. It feels a big step forward.

Bloody restrictions though. They might do it all for me.

If you dont find him sexy or attractive i wouldnt continue to see him.

The awkward first kiss is coming, and if the thought of having a little kiss with him is NOT appealing, cut him loose now.

See these times as just getting out there and dating around, there is certainly no pressure to push forward with the first man that comes along that peaks your interest.
You are just practising and building confidence.

I don't know.... I think your nerves may be getting in the way of any attraction. I think it sounds potentially promising. You might be enjoying the novelty of the date because it's him. Just keep taking it slow. Lockdown could be a good thing here. Good luck, I hope it goes well.

I think you should give him a chance. And take each day as it comes, same as he does.

I think you need to consider that going to his house implies certain things may be expected, and it leaves you vulnerable. Given that you've not yet kissed after 5 dates, you are already taking it super slow. Going from that to his house is a big leap at this stage. I think restaurant meal next, then maybe try a kiss if it feels right at the end of the night, your response to that will give you more insight - will have to do that before lockdown on Thursday though. Also, be wary of he's too keen to get you in his house before Thursday, as you will not be allowed to meet after then - slows things down for you ( but he may push to get action before then, decline that).

Tbh I think it’s fairly unlikely now to go anywhere with tonight’s news. I hadn’t really realised when I first posted.

😕😕😕

I suppose we’ll just need to wait and see now. I’m actually more disappointed than I thought I would be.

Well, he will probably be feeling as disappointed as you are. I've kind of had a situation the last year where I worked on my anxiety and started going out and enjoying my life and then..... This year happened. So I understand a little. But you've still made substantial gains, and nobody is going anywhere lol..... It's interesting that you're disappointed as well. I think you should just enjoy it as much as you can, while taking it at the pace you find comfortable.

Thank you so much for saying that- I have come so far!

Hopefully we both get moving again in 2021...

Its only for afew weeks...

Try lots of video calls, start to get to know each other that way.

It maybe a blessing in disguise