Lost my only support

[KnitPearl]

Me again. I feel a bit of a nuisance at the moment but hopefully a few people wouldn't mind putting in their two pence worth?

I'm currently playing the long game leaving stbx. There's a reason I've chosen the longer option, and so far that's mainly because the abuse has not been physical.

I also posted recently that SS are now involved, which has made me doubly anxious, worrying that they'll hit the big red button and I'll have to declare myself homeless once stbx becomes enraged. I appreciate that might read as ridiculous, but I genuinely don't have any experience or understanding of these things. If my head needs a wobble, please feel free to wobble mine.

Anyway. DM was the one person I've had to talk to IRL, about all of this. But recently, her opinion of the situation, and of me, has completely changed, she doesn't believe I'm doing enough to help myself, that I'm telling her what she wants to hear. But now she's become angry and as of yesterday she decided she will no longer be speaking to me.

I feel very sad. I've had a week from hell anyway. When people have seen me (DM, support worker, GP), they've said I look ill, I need to eat, I need to sleep, etc. etc. But I can't do any of these things so it's irritating, despite the fact that of course they mean well.

I've noticed quite a few times on this site that people think it's not healthy to have too close a relationship with your DM. Perhaps this is a wake up call for me. But now I have nobody else to speak to about anything, I can feel myself becoming more withdrawn and anxious. I genuinely don't feel like I can carry on. I feel like giving up.

Sorry OP, I didn't follow the story well. SS are involved as you have DC and they detect risk? Your husband is abusive and they may force you to leave him. You don't want to leave yet. Your mum has been a good support, but doesn't think you are changing your situation and has run out of patience. Is that correct? Perhaps she is trying some tough love, or is genuinely worn out from listening to you about the stressful situation. Which do you think? Do you have plans in place? Is there a danger your DC will be removed?

Your mum sounds unhelpful, to put it blandly, so I think you need to accept that you'll be moving forward without support from her. Will this affect your ability to leave? Can you speak to your support worker if so to see if there is support you can get elsewhere?

@DianaT1969 apologies as I probably haven't worded it well. SS have become involved after a referral from GP because of an incident caused by stbx. Prior to SS becoming involved, i had and still have an early intervention social support worker, who is lovely and has been helping me by pointing me in the right directions and contacting places on my behalf. At the moment, the situation is such that I can apply for housing and she can help speed up the process. The alternative would be presenting myself as homeless, which I didn't want to do to DC.

I've been assured that there is no risk of DC being removed because I have been providing very good care for them, which has been one major thing keeping me going. I love them and want them to be happy and away from this situation.

I felt I had things under control, that things were happening in a manageable time frame, but then DM recently decided that she doesn't think I want to/plan to leave stbx at all. She's become more and more intense about it until now she's decided she's out. It's not a tough love thing. She's angry and thinks I'm lying to her.

I'm not sure what your relationship with your mum was like before, but as a pp said, it's hurtful, but you'll need to dig deep and continue without her support. Once you are in your own home away from him it might be possible to build bridges with her. I'm not negating what she has done, but with Covid and lockdowns this has been a stressful year and she may have reached her limit. I'd also guess she'll regret this, as it cuts her off from her grandchildren. Keep posting here OP. I hope your social worker can help secure you accommodation asap. 💐

I hope she comes around, even if it is just for DC as they love each other so much. And you're right of course about the stress she could be/is under. She hasn't been in the best health recently and it's causing her worry.

My main problem, is that over the past couple of years, I've isolated myself from all of my old friends. So DM Was my best and only friend. And now I have nobody to talk to.

That sound horrible for you OP. I know things are difficult but please still continue with your pans to leave the abusive relationship, with or without the support of your DM, as daunting as that sounds. As PP have said, It's been a very strange year and everyone's stress levels are sky high, she might have snapped when she usually wouldn't have. Wishing you the best of luck OP.

Is it possible you could get back in touch with your old friends? Tell them you are leaving him, apologise for dropping them (if that was the case) and say that you don't expect anything, but if they are free for a walk or coffee outside sometime you would really like that. I think it's an important part of your leaving process that you tell people. Say it out loud enough and it starts to become real.

I think your mum has witnessed you for a very long time go through this awful relationship. She has sat and listened and advised probably many many times. Then she watches scared and heartbroken that you chose to stay with this man. As she is your only IRL person to speak to it is a huge responsibility on her to try and be there for you as you off load to her all the time. Especially if she is a little poorly. She may not understand the long game as she probably thinks you have already done the long game and not moved forward. Give her some space but what you need to do is get back in contact with your friends, explain the situation and start building bridges with them. You will need them now. Good luck OP x

Have you been going back to stay wth your STBX? I only ask as someone posted on here a few weeks ago as the mum in your situation.

I really do have every intention of carrying on with my plan to leave. But now I feel so lost and broken that I keep thinking why bother. DM was helping me through my agoraphobia ad keeping me on track.

@Peridot1 I had been staying with DM for a few days at a time to get away from the tense atmosphere in the household with stbx. But I hadn't 'left him left him', and then gone back. As far as he was concerned, I was just staying with my mum to help her as she was unwell.

@litterbird I can understand that's how she could be feeling, for sure. She had been telling me there was something off about him long before I became aware of the extent of the abuse. So perhaps for her, this has been going on for several months whereas for me it only feels like two months. Perhaps that's where the problem lies.

I tried telling DM in a text message yesterday that I missed her friendship, but she hasn't responded.

I don't know if this is helpful

I've seen people say that they hate their job, but stay in their job & moan for years
Some people moved to better jobs & were happier

My point is that some people are scared about change

Some people think that if they stay in the same position, things will get better

People will listen & provide advice

The same applies to relationships

Ultimately, decisions are yours to make

We all make bad decisions at some point
It is good to learn & hopefully in the future, we make better decisions

I hope that whatever decisions you make, they make a better life for you & your family

@AverageM00 I appreciate your perspective. I have 100% made my mind up that I'm leaving. I have of course had times of fear, but I've been doing everything in my power to overcome those fears.

So DM's issue isn't that things aren't moving quickly. She's upset because she feels the prolonged process is somehow proof that I want to stay with him.

I think your mother has probably lost patience. Must be hard for her having to watch this scenario and the damage it’s doing to her grandchildren and to you . She has done the right thing for her mental health why dont you do what you need to do for yours? She is doing tough love and I’m with her ! ( I’m saying all this with the best of intentions)

@Sunflower1970 Surely you'd only show tough love to a person who's dragging their feet and second guessing their plans to leave?

What good is it to show tough love to a person who is 100% sure she is going to do this, and the only setbacks are with timeframes?

I genuinely want to know, I'm not being argumentative.

Sorry I hope I didn't offend you I was just thinking your mother loves you and is probably standing by worried sick about you. You did say she doesn't think you are doing enough to help yourself and just telling her what she is wanting to hear. Maybe she feels she has been supportive and needs to look after herself as the situation is really upsetting her. You say you are in it for the long game but maybe your mother cant handle the long game and all it entails? x

@Sunflower1970 I'm sorry, and you didn't offend me. I do understand what you're saying and I appreciate your perspective. I think the best thing to do is to accept that she can't handle the situation as it stands and give her the space she needs.

KnitPearl I think you're right. Hopefully she will come back to you when the situation is resolved xx

I just wanted to put in my two pence worth, having a very close friend who is in a similar situation, all be it slightly worse. It has been going on for 2 years, he’s cheated multiple times, told endless lies, beaten her up multiple times in front of their son, played mind games and emotionally abused her throughout. She has been from what we see CHOOSING to let him carry on despite SS ( who have been absolutely useless) involvement and multiple police call outs, subjecting her son and herself to this. Because she feels like she’s failed at giving her son his family unit, because she feels like he is some sort of God, because she honestly thinks he’s going to change and be a loving family man. We can’t get through to her as her friends and honestly, it’s so so draining hearing the same thing over and over for 2 whole years. You do end up backing off because it feels hopeless and it gets so draining. I’d hazard a guess your DM feels very similar, and is probably angry that you’re taking the “easy” option so to speak.

Please - for the sake of your children do all you can to leave, it will be hard, but the alternative is kids who grow up severely damaged, like my friends little boy.

@MotherOfDragons85 thank you for your input. I can totally understand how awful it must be to watch a friend or family member suffer like that, and I'm really sorry you've had to see your friend and her son suffer. I can hand on heart say that every day I wake up, I remind myself that I am doing the right thing by leaving regardless of how 'nice' stbx is being that day. Today I visited my support worker, and had a talk on the phone with the SS worker, both of whom are satisfied that I am doing what needs to be done. So I think the problem must be that DM doesn't believe that. Which, from what you and other posters have said is understandable. I don't want to upset her. So I will show her instead, by leaving, and inviting her to my new place for a cup of tea