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Original poster

Do abusers ever change?

25 replies

hotpotlover · 31/10/2020 15:45

Hi everyone,

Just wondering what everyone's opinion is? Do you think there is hope for a man who is physically and/or mentally abusive to become a better person and change his ways?

I'm not in an abusive relationship, I was 10 years ago though. I'm now with a wonderful man and have an 11 week old baby.

I stalked my ex's Facebook page recently and can see he has a new flame. So I'm wondering if he treats her better than he treated me.

When we split up over a decade ago he was apologetic ( probably because I eventually dumped him and he wanted to sneak his way back in), but he still seemed to think that it was partially my fault that he hit me and abused me.

What is your opinion. Do they ever change or is there no hope?

Do you ever wonder what your abusive ex is up to?

OP posts:
Temporary1234 · 31/10/2020 15:47

They don’t change. Unless with intensive therapy.

If it’s not physical abuse it will be another form..

Hormonecrazyhell · 31/10/2020 15:48

Nope, never change

ShebaShimmyShake · 31/10/2020 15:50

So rarely, it's like jacking in your job waiting for the life-changing lottery win.

DrDetriment · 31/10/2020 15:50

Yes they can. Abuse, especially non-physical abuse, is complex and sometimes a particular relationship creates abusive dynamics but in another relationship it might be different.

Doyoumind · 31/10/2020 15:50

No. They don't change. There may be rare exceptions but if he blamed you for him hitting you there's no chance he's one of them. I know where my abuser is and what his life is like. He hasn't changed, however much his partner is in denial.

Haggisfish · 31/10/2020 15:51

I agree with @DrDetriment for some abusers. Some relationships seem particularly toxic and both partners bring out the worst in each other. More often, I suspect abusive people remain abusive.

PostItJoyWeek · 31/10/2020 15:54

Stop stalking him. It is not good for you. He could be a hundred times worse now and you would never guess it from what's posted on FB.

nc1962 · 31/10/2020 16:26

I don't believe they do change. Reading between the lines, my stbxh treated all his previous partners badly. Told me how awful they all were of course. I unfortunately put up with him for a few years. Once saw his ex GF on a night out in town, she stared at us in a way that made me feel really strange at the time. But to her, if she'd looked at his FB or seen us in town as she did, she could easily have thought everything was great with us and he must have changed. I guarantee he hasn't. It's since come to light that he made the poor woman who got involved with him after we split up physically ill with anxiety. So no, I don't think he will ever change. He's got deep seated issues he will never admit or address, so it's my opinion that all his future relationships will be a case of deja vu. I do feel bad for his future GFs, I wouldn't wish the way he made me feel on my worst enemy.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 31/10/2020 16:26

I believe its very rare. I believe it also depends on what has "caused" the abusive behaviour - whether it's learned from parents or a result of mental health issues, and is the motivation for the abuse coming from taking pleasure in hurting others, or is it coming from fear.

I know in my life, when I was younger and had significant MH problems (resulting from trauma) I behaved in relationships in toxic and borderline abusive ways - primarily through being controlling. I look back now and realise that I treated my partners unfairly - I expected them to change their behaviours in response to my pain and fear, which had NOTHING to do with them.

Neither of them ever said "you're being abusive" - nevertheless I know now that it was.

Having that realisation only came as part of a long and painful process of addressing my past traumas and learning new and healthy behaviours in all my relationships.

Therapy (if it's to actually work) is incredibly painful, difficult and frankly terrifying. It's hard to question the nature of one's reality. It is, however, the only way to truly change one's unhealthy behaviours. An abuser can complete a "rehabilitation" program, but this can only change the presenting behaviour rather than address the underlying motivations. So an abuser can learn to stop physically abusing, but may then become more emotionally or sexually abusive, in order to fulfill their need for control or to diminish others.

I have also been extremely passive aggressive in past relationships (and been on the receiving end a few times) but I don't consider that abusive per se, more in the category of "total dick behaviour".

RantyAnty · 31/10/2020 16:37

No, they never change.
It's always there lurking beneath the surface even if they've appeared to have changed.

Princessposie · 31/10/2020 16:38

No, never.

winterinmadeira · 31/10/2020 16:39

No. Once an abuser always an abuser.

Guardsman18 · 31/10/2020 17:01

No. I don't think they do. I can remember asking my h (now ex) why, just why did he want to hurt me. His answer was that it made him feel better. Err ok then.

I do think that had I done everything he wanted, never speak up about anything, just go with his flow and never want to do anything myself, it may have worked.

Who could live like that though? I couldn't but am still hurt about it 30 plus years later.

HollowTalk · 31/10/2020 17:04

Someone who hits a woman and blames her for it isn't going to change without a hell of a lot of therapy - he doesn't think he needs it anyway so is incredibly unlikely to have had it.

samb80 · 31/10/2020 17:06

Nope

blackcurrantjam · 31/10/2020 17:09

Only with intensive therapy and part of the mindset is they don't think they need it so... Unlikely

ReneeRol · 31/10/2020 17:18

People can change when they realise their behaviour is wrong, truly want to change for the better and are dedicated to working on themselves to change.

I don't believe people can change with the person they're abusive to simply because it's too easy to fall back into the old dynamic.

When they've changed themselves and meet someone who wouldn't tolerate any different, they can be a very different person to who they used to be.

Most people don't change because they refuse to self reflect and admit they're in the wrong.

In saying that, some people just bring out the best or worst in each other. I have an ex who past the superficial charm, was a bully of a man but his current girlfriend seems to have his balls firmly locked away somewhere, she keeps a tight rein on him and I think he benefits from that. Wouldn't be the type of relationship I'd want but she's good for him.

nc1962 · 31/10/2020 17:19

Oh and my Stbxh is adamant that everything was great, he never did anything wrong and I was just loony and threw him out one day for no reason. I'm fairly convinced he actually believes this. So no, he won't be seeking any therapy. He thinks women are just mean to him, it's totally unprovoked and the world is against him...

FrancesHaHa · 31/10/2020 17:38

Well they have to start with accepting they've done something wrong, which a lot of abusive men won't do. They need to at least accept some responsibility (even a little bit) to be ready for a perpetrator programme.

One of the things I have seen, so this is just anecdotal is when there are interventions eg social services involvement/ being sent on a perpetrator programme, what some abusive men do is stop being physically violent but become more controlling or psychologically abusive.

If you're interested there is a study of perpetrator programmes called Project Mirabel done by Liz Kelly and Nicole Westmarland which looks at whether these programmes work

Hesfamousforit · 31/10/2020 17:46

What I don't understand about abusive partners is how can they not recognise their behaviour is wrong? Although they can hide it from others so who knows what they actually thinkHmm

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 31/10/2020 20:13

It can happen but it's very rare. I can only think of one example in all the people I've ever known - and I'm 60+.

Something important has to change - getting clean and sober for example, or extensive therapy. Most abusers never change.

ShebaShimmyShake · 31/10/2020 20:13

@Hesfamousforit

What I don't understand about abusive partners is how can they not recognise their behaviour is wrong? Although they can hide it from others so who knows what they actually thinkHmm
They realise it is not perfect, but in their heads they are driven to it, they're the victims really, if only everyone understood how tormented and special they are, they'd do their duty and manage their moods for them in whatever way. It's not their fault, they are flawed, tormented heroes who have been provoked beyond endurance. Others just don't understand.

Or you're just crazy.

Their entire identity and self worth rests on this narrative.

Fiona1987 · 31/10/2020 20:43

It's interesting to read everyone's opinion, thank you. I also don't think that they can ever change.

Nicelunch25 · 01/11/2020 00:48

No they don't. In the case of my ex he had grown up watching a man behave abusively and it was the only way he knew how to be. He got with another woman after he broke me, had a child with her and our son came back just recently saying daddy's girlfriend has moved into a different house because there was too much fighting. I used to worry so much that it was my fault but now it's happened again and he's cutting my sons maintenance as he's got 3 kids to 3 women and I know me and at least one other have been abused. It's like his survival rests on never admitting any wrongdoing ever. He's very draining to be around and deeply unhappy.

Isitreally77 · 01/11/2020 07:15

No they never change. Mine used to say it was my fault he hit me as I never knew when to give up. For him violence was what he grew up with so that's how he reacted to things and he thought nothing of giving me a clip round the back of the head (he also used to flick my head). He is a master of manipulation and puts on the charming man act around people. He said he would change but never did.

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