What is going on here?

[CrotchBurn]

DP. Been with him four years. Objectively good looking guy, very nice guy, helpful, pulls weight around the house (in fact he does most of it). But there are some issues.

He doesn't Express his feelings at all. So I think hes only ever said I love you twice. Otherwise just says "me too" when I say it first. Complimented me the first year, hasnt really since.

Not really tactile, I'll get a hand to the back as hes passing by and stuff but hes not the sort to pull me in for a hug, he will hug back if I hug first.

This past year we have gotten into a horrible cycle.

We will have sex.
I will then immediately feel a rush of affection and will be really tender and tactile and loving.
He wont return it and will almost keep me at arms length.
Gradually I pull back and feel a bit hurt and unloved.
The physical connection between us will start dissolving.
Two weeks will go by and then I will have sex despite now feeling very cold and distant from him.
The cycle repeats.

I have told him before that its difficult for me to feel a sexual connection when there isnt much physical connection in the lead up. He hasnt seemed to get the message.

I hate feeling like I'm non sexual when in fact its just that I cant go from zero to having sex with absolutely no dynamic in between. It makes me feel...almost like a prostitute (I cant describe it and I feel bad saying it that way but hopefully you know what i mean)

I guess I'm just asking for your thoughts on this. I get the whole love language thing but I'm just tired of feeling a bit frustrated and cold.

I guess I would just like my partner to verbally and physically Express his feelings. Right now the only expression I get is... Well to be honest with you I'm not sure.

I'm in my thirties and we live together.

Part of me just feels like hes not in love with me anymore but hes doing that make thing of being too lazy/cowardly to have a discussion and would rather it die a slow death? Instinctively though I don't actually think that's the case. I think he is happy in a relationship that is the way ours is. But I'm getting frustrated meanwhile.

He is also very difficult to talk to about stuff like this as he clams up and gets defensive.

Can anyone share their thoughts please?

Sounds like you two are just not compatible, your needs are not being met by him. Regardless if it's because he doesn't love you anymore or its just who he is, if it doesn't work for you and you have spoken to him about it then you can either accept that he is like this or move on. Given you're only 30ish id move on and find that someone who you're compatible with.

This could be my ex. He was a very nice man but was very similar to this when it came to physical affection.
There was almost no physical touch in the everyday. Not even the hand in the lower back when passing by...instead making himself skinny to squeeze past with no contact.
I'm need physical contact and literally had to ask for hugs..he had no need whatsoever. Was bizarre. He blamed his anxiety and f'up childhood. This also translated to his inability to progress to a more future-looking relationship, even after 5 years.
I put up with it for too long coz he was so otherwise nice. Things eventually ended as it wasn't progressing. New bf is very physical and it's so much better. I notice all the little things like putting his hand on me, or just lying over me on the couch. I couldn't ever go back to someone like me ex... Thi say sound dramatic but withholding affection, even though unintentionally, was like a way of torturing me.