I keep having moments of "I can't do this anymore" and "I need out of this marriage" and I can't figure out if I am just being overly negative and critical of DH.
DH is: warm, funny, hard-working, humble, quick to apologise, not too proud to try and make up, committed, adores our kids, moved to my home country after we married because he knew how much it meant to me and started a whole new life up here; optimistic and gets on with things and makes the best of situations. He's helpful to my mother who lives nearby. He is organised, structured, always on time for things, tidy, does things that he says he'll do, and communicates plans well. I also think he is good-looking and tries his best to get a bit of fitness into his busy life. He also enjoys socialising with me, loves and respects his family and always puts them as a high priority in his life - and also has a lot of love and respect for my family too.
So I have painted the picture of a wonderful man, right? So why am I allowing myself to build up resentments? I wonder if I am actively looking for issues just so I can feel sorry for myself, sabotage our marriage, induce the inevitable... I should mention my own parents had a particularly nasty divorce that lasted for my entire teenage years, and was still awful 20 years later. Now I have kids things are slightly better because I have my own family to focus on! But I wonder if I am following the same behavioral patterns of my parents?
So here is how I am feeling now... Frustrated that my husband is like another kid to deal with in the house. What was once his sense of fun is now irritating me. He was 25 when we met, and I was 30... and he had never been in a serious relationship before... And now I feel like he just wanted an older woman to mother him, to look after him, to organise renting a flat together, to organise the wedding when he proposed, to organise all our holidays, to sort out a mortgage when we bought our first house, to do all the groundwork and research and organise the finances when we set up a business together, to troubleshoot all the problems and maintenance issues with the house and the business, to organise EVERYTHING to do with the kids - from figuring out how the hell to look after a baby, to researching and buying all the baby furniture, kit and clothes, actually building all the flatpack furniture because he has no patience for any sort of DIY, sorting out their needs, food, clothes, health appointments, school enrolments, what car seat to buy, how to fit a car seat, etc etc etc
I should point out that our eldest is nearly 5 and DH STILL CAN'T BELT IN THE CAR SEAT PROPERLY despite me trying to explain / show him over and over and over again! It's like he cannot focus on anything he finds remotely boring!
There are resentments that have built up since pregnancy and having kids too. Before our eldest, I miscarried at six weeks, and there were complications that went on for weeks afterwards. I was about to receive treatment for cells that wouldn't stop multiplying when I basically had a 'second' miscarriage, basically a big bleed that got it all out. It was late on a really cold February and I asked my husband to drive me to hospital, we parked at the wrong side to the A&E entrance though, so we had to basically walk around the whole building to find the right bit. I was bleeding in pain and waddling slightly, when my husband told me to "hurry up, I'm freezing my balls off here". I thought that was a particularly selfish thing to say to a miscarrying wife, and it has stuck with me and burned away at me as other little thoughless, selfish comments have added to the mix over the years.
Pregnancy and early childhood made me realise that my husband is basically Jekyll and Hyde when it comes to interrupted sleep. He can be so caring during the day but an absolute bastard if he is woken through the night. By the time we had our second, I asked him to sleep in a different room and just leave me to do all the night feeds on my own, I would rather that than have to listen to him having tantrums when I ask him for help through the night.
He is also the type of person who can fall asleep without checking the lights are off / the doors are locked, not checking on the kids first, and some of you may have seen my recent post asking if I was being unreasonable losing my shit at him for responding to the carbon monoxide alarm going off with "Just go back to sleep, it's probably a false alarm." (It was a faulty alarm, but obviously we didn't know that at the time!!) He doesn't worry about safety much - or have much common sense about it - which was fine, until we had kids.
I've always been very anxious and having kids has exacerbated that, but now I wonder if my husband's childish attitude is adding to it. I've been taking anti-depressants for several years which really help my anxiety, but of course I couldn't take them while breastfeeding and I had a terrible time with breastfeeding both times, in hindsight I think I was just too stressed and exhausted.
He works really hard to support us financially in his own line of work, but I am fed up of him going on about it! I used to juggle freelance work too but I just can't now we have 2 kids. And as much as he helps with the practical side of our business, I am the one left to manage it / make all decisions / do all the accounts etc. I'm actually relieved that Covid has buggered our business this year, it's been a relief!!
And one last thing, we have like zero intimacy. Sex used to be a bit selfish on his part anyway, but I didn't mind when we were trying for kids, it was like the hormones in me got me in the mood. Now we are done having kids I just don't see the point in having sex with him. I've given up instigating it or making any real effort -which just goes to show how little effort he has ever made, because we literally barely have sex now. Maybe once ever few months, if that. He loves hanging out with me watching TV every night but whines if I even suggest we sit on the same sofa together for a cuddle. We sit on our own separate sofas!
And the most recent thing is his absolute temper tantrums through the night when the kids come through to our bed, if they wake up with a bad dream or needing a pee or whatever. I absolutely love having them climb into bed with us and cuddle up, but my husband can't stand it, he ends up stressing everyone out, having a go at me for not being strict enough on the kids ,shouting at the kids to go back to their own room etc etc. This is where I am really starting to lose my patience with him. I just find myself wanting to have my own bedroom away from him, live my own life without him.
What should I do? As the child of a divorce I absolutely do not want my children to have to flit between two homes, I hated it, my siblings hated it, it really messed us up. I want my kids to have a warm, steady, safe base, ONE base, to call home. I don't want them to struggle with the politics of extended family at war. Between us, my husband and I have a wonderful extended family who all get on really well with each other - his parents are friendly with both of my parents and all my siblings, it's lovely.
But I also don't want my kids to grow up seeing us arguing and shouting at each other, and undermining each other in front of them, which is happening regularly. We seem to be completely unable to have a deep conversation about things once the kids are in bed. I just try and talk about what's upsetting me, and he responds with, I don't know how to fix things, things aren't as bad as you think they are, and then gets all pitiful and says he's not in the mood to watch telly with me anymore and goes to bed. I feel like he wants me to come after him and give him attention but I just don't have it in me anymore.
Sometimes I just want to leave him, let him get on with his own life without me, and maybe he will grow up finally! Am I being an idiot here? Am I being selfish and overthinking things and potentially bringing a lovely man down with resenting every tiny little thing he says or does wrong?