My head is gone...possibleEA

[Headisgone]

Long time lurker
I dont know where to start
Been with dh 12.5years married 9.5 kids 7&4
The rship has probably been quite turmoil and abusive for some time. He is very aggressive and angry which very rarely turns physical but has...he has spat in my face, grabbed my throat, pushed me but thiese are stand alone incidents.
He gaslights me, im pretty sure and turns everything around always on me.
Back story is his work endeavours havent really worked out the last few years and he is earning very minimal (think trying new start ups) i run a successful business which i work several hours a week (50) and have staff too. I mostly manage house and kids too as i have some flexibility.
Partly this has enabled him to pursue his dreams, partly is has also made him feel like a trophy husband. Im not bothered by money im not particularly materialistic i am driven and i like to succeed. I know he is desperate to too. But because he hasnt been recently (last few yrs not just covid) it haa affected him and his general well being and i would say he is/was a broken man
Pre covid he was seeing a counsellor to talk through things which we had discussed would be good for him, but when covid hit as so much was work related he decided to stop it. Since then he has embarked in a few other prjects and he is trying hard.

Due to covid also i have taken on some extra work (office costs, furlough costs of my own staff and unable to furlough myself) it meant three days i week i really needed his help with the kids. He resented being a “glorified housewife trophy husband “ his words not mine,and we fought a lot. Eventually said to him we need marriage counselling or we are done.

Now the next bit. Mc starts next week.

However, i have become essentially involved in an emotional affair with my boss at work. I know this is wrong but i also really know that i would never do anything physical.

He is a similar age with two kids the same age in an awful marriage (so he says i appreicate) we talk a lot about life and all sorts, we have admitted to eachother than we are enjoying eachothers conversation and are thinking about them and i have been very clear that i would never cheat. I know its wrong even how much we are messaging and i would never have put myself here in a million year. When i wanted to kick mh dh out earlier this yesr i even said to my mum im very happy to be alone. I dont need a man so its very unexpected in any case. I also think people who cheat are such scum and im appauled at myself that i even find myself thinking to message this other man.

But my head is gone.

I wish marriage counselling would have started in july but is my marriage doomed anyway? I love my husband i wish he was the man i married and he is trying so hard now to help with the kids. I dont know where i am anymore or what my kids deserve. What i deserve? Sorry for the long thread

Living in an abusive home is much more damaging to a child than their parents separating.

A partner who strangles a partner is six times more likely to kill them.

Spitting in someone's face is one of the ultimate displays of utter contempt for another person.

You need to make plans to leave him as soon as possible. Do not be deterred by lockdown - it will make the situation more dangerous if anything, due to the stress of spending more time together than usual. Lockdown rules do not apply to escaping a dangerous situation - Boris even said so in his speech - escaping physical harm is an exception to the rules.

Please please put yourself and your children first by removing you and them from this abusive environment.

FFS... marriage counselling won’t fix HIM. The problem isn’t the marriage, is it? HE spat in your face. HE grabbed your throat. You know HE is abusive. HE needs to go, OP. He can’t be around your children. What the hell are you teaching them about acceptable behaviour? Don’t justify this for them. It’s not okay.

he has spat in my face, grabbed my throat, pushed me but these are stand alone incidents.....He gaslights me, im pretty sure and turns everything around always on me
He's abusive - you don't have counselling with an abusive spouse......you need to speak with a counsellor on your own first so YOU are able to get your head clear/sorted and then you'll feel that much stronger to try joint counselling.

He's not going to let his gravy train go easy - he's chosen to play around with hobby-businesses and be a 'trophy' husband, his pride didn't stop him in those endeavours.
He just doesn't want the responsibility of anything, he can play around and he's got you to pay for everything....i'd be careful about him trying to screw you out of your business in the case of a divorce.

Thanks for all your help. I wish I took some of your advice. We started the mc although have only had 3 sessions. I actually find myself feeling brave being able to say things because I know he can’t go mad. It’s made me be a bit more honest.

However things with the om escalated somewhat, we have met each other most weeks for a walk and of course despite saying things would never get physical they have. He has told me he has fallen in love with me and I think I am too. On paper he is never my type, and our lives/worlds are very different. I genuinely cannot believe that it has escalated as I thought I trusted myself more than anything.

It’s also opened
My eyes to how bad my home life is that that I don’t deserve it I appreciate my husband does also not deserve to be cheated on.

I’ve found being at home really hard the last few days. I really miss the om. And weirdly after months of 24/7 messaging it feels like he is pulling back and it’s making me feel sad.

I feel that I have to break up my marriage or at least go for a trial separation but I don’t know where to start. My dh can tell I’m withdrawn and I have told him I’m struggling with our relationship

Just need a hand hold I guess