I want to leave

[helppleaseDH]

I wonder if anyone can help me. I want to leave my DH, he is horrible to me but in the past when I have ever suggested we have some time apart he says I can the house anytime but I can't take our children and that he won't be leaving. So what can I do? How can I leave with the children? Just wait until he goes out and then leave, but given we are basically back in lockdown he doesn't go out anywhere really anymore. My oldest child goes to school locally, so where would I go? My family live 2 hours away, so if we stayed with them, I can't get my oldest to school. How do people leave their DH when he won't leave?

You need to retain a solicitor as soon as possible. They can advise you of your options.

I have seen a solicitor, she advised me about the process for divorce and what settlement I could expect, finances etc, but she said she couldn't advise me how to leave him and where to go etc. She said he can't be made to leave the family home either

Who owns the house? If it's yours, you can tell him to leave, and if he doesn't you csn call the police to remove him. If it's joint, then you can't make him leave, but you can buy him out (if he accepts) or force a sale and split the proceeds. If it's his house you're shit out of luck, though you would be entitled to a portion of it in the divorce.

Get lawyer, ASAP.

Cross post. If he owns the house even partially you can't make him leave. It sounds like he'll drag everything out as long as possible, so you have the choice to fight him tooth and nail for the house in the divorce while you live with him, or leave and find somewhere of your own.

Yup it's his house, my the lawyer I saw said that is irrelevant since we are married and if we divorce I will be entitled to at least half of everything he has, which is helpful in the long run. I am more concerned about the short term and how at the moment can I leave? How do I sneak the kids out with me and do we have to go to a hotel or sth until I can sort a rental house for us. I suppose I have answered my own question, it's so hard. When people split up usually, does the husband usually just leave the marital home and wife stays with the kids?

Do you have the money for a rental?

I would probably secure a rental and then leave.
I wouldn't waste money on a hotel.

Yes I work full time so I have the money for it, just about. I suppose that the way isn't it, I sort it out then leave and move in there with the kids, but can I just do that? Take the kids with me and leave I mean? I am not going without them. How does it work usually for? What have others done?

Are you scared he'll stop you? If so, secure a rental first, making sure he knows nothing about it. Then, when you're ready to go, take half of the money from any joint account, put it in a separate account with a bank he doesn't use, and call the police to ask them to send an officer to make sure you and the kids can leave safely.

You should only do the police bit if you're genuinely concerned for your safety and you can't leave secretly, as it will probably be quite scary for your kids. Otherwise, just tell him youre going, and leave. But not until you've got your shit sorted.

Are you in danger, OP?

I had to live with my ex until the divorce was sorted it was horrible but there was no way I was going to leave my son with him and I just saw it as short term misery for long term happiness. It won't last for ever and once the petition is in he can't ignore it I'm afraid.
Do not leave until you know all of the facts, the judge can order the kids to stay in the home which my judge did so I had to stay there too and endure an abusive husband until it was all settled.
Always look at the big picture not whats happening today.

Thank you much for all your replies, which are so helpful. It's so hard to know what is best. Seems like I can either sort out rental property and move out with the kids while he is out and then go to mediation and arrange how to share the children. I don't want to stop him seeing them, he is great with them.

Or I stay put and serve him the divorce petition and just wait until it is all sorted out, financially etc.

Some days he is nice and then he just becomes horrible, he isn't physical to me (apart from throwing a jug of water over me when I was in bed and standing in my way etc) but he is verbally abusive, he calls me every horrible name and is aggressive to me in his manner. Lawyer didn't seem to think any of that made an difference, which I suppose it doesn't to the practicalities.

@helppleaseDH

Thank you much for all your replies, which are so helpful. It's so hard to know what is best. Seems like I can either sort out rental property and move out with the kids while he is out and then go to mediation and arrange how to share the children. I don't want to stop him seeing them, he is great with them.

Or I stay put and serve him the divorce petition and just wait until it is all sorted out, financially etc.

Some days he is nice and then he just becomes horrible, he isn't physical to me (apart from throwing a jug of water over me when I was in bed and standing in my way etc) but he is verbally abusive, he calls me every horrible name and is aggressive to me in his manner. Lawyer didn't seem to think any of that made an difference, which I suppose it doesn't to the practicalities.

You need to remove your children from this house as soon as uou can.he is abusive, and abusive men are never good fathers, simply good actors.

You can do this. Secure a rental. Then slowly get furniture sorted and WiFi etc. When it’s all ready just don’t go back and serve him the divorce papers. Let the courts decide child arrangements.

I just really don't know what to do. We have been seeing a Relate Counsellor and that doesn't seem to be helping.

I do have issues with not communicating with him properly or at all really, but I don't want to because he isn't nice to me, but apparently that makes him feel more isolated and alone and triggers his anger, so it's a vicious cycle and I don't know what to do to get out of it.

What about Women's Aid?

Throwing water at you is assault.

Blocking your way is abusive.

He is abusive.

You feel trapped.

You are afraid of him.

Contact 101 and Women's Aid for advice.

You don't have to accept this.

Thank God you work.

He sounds like a very nast man.

I’d suggest getting counselling for yourself but not couples counselling - it’s unlikely to help where there is abuse. He’s thrown a jug of water over you and physically blocked you. He’s physically abusive. Is there a Women’s service of domestic abuse service locally who could advise and support you?

How old are your children? Who is the main carer for them?

If you afre the main carer then it makes sense to take them with you (I would leave when he leaves for work) and arrange childcare later.

The only way I know of to get him out would be an occupation order. Its a way to remove a dangerous abusive partner from the family home. But whether this applies in your circumstances I don't know.

We both work full time and are both working from home at the moment. It's been awful. I am the main carer for the kids but does that still count when I work too?
It's so hard to think of him as abusive. I have struggled with mental health a bit since I had our second child and so I think I have withdrawn from him quite a bit and that has made him cross and then because he is not kind I withdraw more and I just don't know how to get us out of the cycle.

We have been together for 15 years and married less and we used to be best friends and get on amazingly and I can't understand why it has changed. I think I have changed as I have grown up and had the children, but I don't know how to get it back to how it was. I don't know if I can put up with things as they are much longer but the thought of actually leaving and having to tell everyone what he has been like it terrifying. I haven't told anyone in real life what it has been like.

Could you secure a rental and then, when you take the kids to school, leave then?

If they're too old to be taken - or go on a school bus or something, find an excuse to go out in the car when hometime is due, pick them up and off you go.

If you think you can do this make sure you pack documents and clothes into small bags and start sneaking them out to a trusted mates house.

Hi OP
When he says you can have the house but can't take the children, what does he mean? He wants full custody? Or he doesn't want them moving out their home and disrupting their lives? If the latter then maybe talking through what an amicable breakup would look like, might help, if you dont think you are in any danger at all. You could both agree to sell the house and move into a new place or keep the kids in the house and both rent somewhere else very small and take it in turns to move back in etc etc...if you move out are you still liable for your half of the mortgage? Why does he not do half the childcare if he doesnt want the kids away from you? I am worried you might be putting yourself in a worse position than him if you move out and have to pay rent and mortgage and are removing the children from their home etc. I think you need advice from a family lawyer not a divorce lawyer about your options and implications. Of course if you're worried about your safety you need to get out asap and sort the rest out later but if you aren't scared then it might be worth hanging on a bit longer and getting more advice.

OP,

Your withdrawal is a normal self protection from an abusive man.

This is very normal.

Please reach out for support from family and friends.

From Women's Aid and the police.

You have been physically abused.

You may find it hard to believe but your withdrawal is your subconscious trying desperately to protect you from this man.

He is awful.

Before you leave your home.

Get Women's Aid and the police involved.

Please help yourself.
You can do this.