Contact with DD & ex

[MotherOfDragons85]

So very briefly I have 4 girls, 18,12,13 and 5, first three to a different dad. My 13 yo has learning disabilities and autism and she can be very challenging and it has in the past effected my 5 yo badly, I think because mentally my 13yr old is more immature, plus her meltdowns and inability to control her emotions. Therefore when my 5yo dad and I split, the decision was taken she would move with him back to Nottingham his hometown (I’m from London) and I would have her every school holiday - this decision was made purely for the benefit of my 5yo as I didn’t want her to suffer.

The relationship was ended by me, as he no longer showed me any affection and our sex life was non existent, he had no motivation to do anything - he was however a good dad and absolutely dotes on our DD. Because I ended the relationship he has a very big hate of me, he barely talks to me about our daughter and can’t seem to have a civil conversation about her at all. He didn’t even send me her school report and I am very involved with my daughter and want to be included in everything.

I just had her for 2 weeks for the October half term, I have been in a new relationship for 18months, because he doesn’t speak to me civilly I introduced my partner to my daughter and we done some fun things together such as the Zoo, parks etc, without telling him.

The issue now is he’s very angry about this, and I don’t know how to deal with him. I’m looking for some advice. Am I in the wrong?

You should have told him beforehand. He doesn't know this man or his background. He's probably thinking that you hid this for a reason.

Contact the school op. They are legally obliged to send you letters /reports the same as ex gets.
Unless he runs absolutely every parenting decision past you he is being unreasonable expecting you to..
Yanbu to decide yourself when your dd meets your new bf...
Did you attend mediation? Getting something on paper might prevent any upset regarding your current contact arrangements....

@ReneeRol I probably should have but he never runs anything past me, he likes to play the poor single dad card, when he has the mother fully 100% on board and involved, he’s also very hard to talk to about anything, he would even prefer to discuss things via my 18yr old.

@Sunnydaysstillhere thank you, I did think I could contact the school and ask for this as we both have PR, but as he likes to play single dad, would they want proof I’m her mother? I could provide that but I’m worried they won’t even speak to me. We haven’t attended any mediation or anything along those lines, however I’m wondering if this would be worth it as currently I’m travelling to Nottingham to collect her and then bringing her back to London on the train and then repeating that process when I have to drop her home, and paying around £100 to do this every half term. The way he sees it is that I broke up with him so I should be doing all the leg work, before this whilst I was getting my 13yo into an SEN school I would have to pay for a weekend hotel on top to even see her - he hasn’t made it easy for me, I feel like he is punishing me. Mostly because I suffered quite bad PND.

Contact the school and ask for electronic copies of everything sent home.

Do you pay him Maintenance ?

He ‘ chose’ to move away. Was this for him or your Dd? If he truly loves her, her best interest will come first. If his own come first he will punish you. Stop feeling guilty that you split up op .you’re her mum, you might have to sort some stuff out with the school but so what. He doesn’t rule the roost... unless you let him

@Halliehallie9828 currently I’m unemployed because I’ve not been able to find a job that fits around my 13yo, she sadly can’t be left alone and when the school bus drops her off at 230 I have to be here as I have no family who can help, so I’m on universal credit and don’t get very much - I do however buy all her clothes and shoes for her and if she ever needs anything I always do the best I can to provide it.

@Lollypop701 he said he chose to move out of London because he wouldn’t have any support here, his mum and sister live in Nottingham, however his mum is very ill and not really able to babysit, so sometimes I think it was definitely for selfish reasons on his part. I do feel like he is still punishing me for ending things, but I honestly was so miserable, all of us were and it was toxic so I really had to end it.

I think mediation sounds like a good idea. It sounds like it was a very stressful situation and there wasn’t a plan on how to go forward. If I were you, I would think about what you think of the ideal situation given the circumstances. Then put that to your ex.

As for him playing the single dad card, he is a single dad doing the majority of care for your daughter - no judgement on you, it sounds like an awful situation where you had to do what was best for all of your children. I do also think that you need to be proactive with the school. It would be nice if he updated you, but it’s not really his job to do that (and you don’t have a good relationship, so you know he’s not going to - expecting him to do that is just creating another source of conflict).

With introducing a new partner, it might have been good to give him a heads up. I don’t think you needed to ask his permission, but it might have been better if it wasn’t your daughter telling him, that way she’s not seeing his immediate reaction. And it also minimises him feeling blindsided.

At the end of the day you can’t control his behaviour or reactions. Hopefully as time goes on he will be open to better communication. I think if you try and do what you can to eliminate any conflict on your end, you at least know you are doing what’s best for your daughter.

Dig out some proof op. My exh told dc's school I was dead! Had to get my solicitor to give them a ring!!
Keep receipts of all you do provide for your youngest dd.
And a diary of any appointments etc you take her to.
My exh tried to filter me out of dc's lives.

They are nc with him.
Youngest when he was 12.

i would also get onto those school reports.

it would be goodto have given him a heads up somewhere before meeting your partner. Putting myself in his shoes. Fair point though as he is a single dad and doing all the day to day donkey work.

It's no surprise you didn't tell him about the relationship, given his behaviour. Perhaps you should tell him that it is something you would have mentioned, but as your relationship has ended and he doesn't communicate, you didn't tell him.

Ask if he's interested in mediation, as it would be in DDs best interests.

Was he expecting you to remain in an awful relationship?

I agree about getting the school reports sent to you and asking for all information about DD to also be sent to you, as your relationship with her dad is not good.