Split up with partner - what do i tell my children?

[NewChapterForUs]

They dont see their biological father and dont even remember he exists ( have a court order stating he cannot contact or communicate with me or the children ) due to DV. I left when they were 2 and 8 months old.

I met my partner quickly afterwards and when my youngest started calling him dad after a year I let him, when my daughter copied i let her.

We've been together for 3 years now ( kids are nearly 4 & 6 )

I know I shouldn't of let them call him dad, I grew up calling both my dad and step dad- dad so it wasnt a foreign concept to me. I've not been 100% happy for a while and everything came to a head a few days ago and we have split up

He wont see the children again

How do I even begin to explain this?

I know I've made a mess, please dont be harsh with me

Do they know he isn't their biological father?

How about 'Dad and I haven't been getting on well, so he has gone to live elsewhere and it is just going to be the 3 of us from now on. Who wants a chocolate biscuit?'
Then if they say 'Can we see him?' Say 'Not at the moment'

If they don't know he isn't their bio father then that also needs to be part of a conversation sooner rather than later.

No they dont know he isnt their biological dad. I have no clue how to even tell them about their biological dad. What would you say to children so young?

I've always been worried telling them about bio dad would lead to more questions that I just cant answer yet.

I'm an adopter, and we are told to bring our children up 'knowing' their background even if it takes a long time for full understanding.

Do you have any photos of their bio dad? Can you make them up a mini photo album / life story book?
Or start with just getting out some photos to 'sort' and let them look at them with you.

Oh DC1, here is a picture of you with Fred. He was very proud to be your father. He used to like ….. Oh DC2 here is one with you when you were born. It's a shame he wasn't always a very good Dad to you or partner to me, but we did have some good times.

Oh, here is the first one I have with you and Harry. Harry loved it when he met you for the first time. He was really kind to us all which I needed after Fred.

OR

Yes I know it is sad that Dad has gone. No we won't see him again, because although he loved and cared for you, he didn't actually help make you. You probably don't remember but before Dad there was Fred. He helped me make you so he is your biological father. Sadly he wasn't always very nice to me which is why we don't see him and I don't mention him.

Drop it in. Don't make it a 'big thing'. Answer questions.
But far better they grow up knowing than get a big shock later.
Now is the perfect time. Get it all in the open and then move forward together.

TeenPlusTwenties

Thank you so much, all of that was very helpful.

If I say that bio dad wasnt very nice to me or them and they ask what happened what do I say? They are too young to know what happened. He locked us all in the house and attacked me when i couldn't stop the baby crying quick enough. That wasnt the 1st or even 10th incident but it was the last. How do I break all of this down in a child friendly manor?

With difficulty.

We were taught to drip feed information over time. (If you don't circle back occasionally you run the risk they will forget.)

Usually children stop asking when they reach the level they can cope with. So you could maybe start with 'we used to argue a lot which made me very unhappy' and then later 'sometimes I got very scared' and on another time 'sometimes he used to hit me'. Maybe 'it isn't good for children to have adults arguing near them a lot'.

Try not to make him out to be a monster, recognise the good bits (there must have been some) as that can impact their own self esteem. Make sure it stays as adult problems and not the fault of the children.

Adopted children have 'life story books' with photos and child-appropriate text explaining their history. It might be helpful to you. You can include your own parents etc in it to balance the more negative bits. Or just general photo albums.