Failed marriage

[MommaCNBS]

My husband of 21 years decided he want to pack up and leave because he was miserable. We married as teens and have 4 kids (3 older 1 toddler). I’ve also been miserable for years but planned on living that way forever to keep my family together. We had absolutely no communication in our relationship and we see that now. Anyhow, he left and I went from being a SAHM (our whole marriage) to getting a couple of jobs and moved on with life. After a couple of months He has decided he would like to come back home. I can’t tell if he’s being genuine or if he just wants the comfort of his home (where everything is done for him) and sex. I do love him but he was really hard to live with. His way or no way. Only his opinion mattered. If yours differed, you were wrong. So, while he has been gone one of my kids came out to me as being gay (I’ve known for years) and my husband is totally against that “life style”. My child will not tell him and neither will I, as it’s not my place. So now I feel stuck between them. I feel like I can no longer work on my marriage because I know he wouldn’t be accepting to our child. Someone please give me advice! I don’t know where to go from here. What would you do?

[MommaCNBS]

I appreciate all the feedback. I told him today that I was 100% done. He cried and then said some things that let me know I made the right decision. 1) he asked what he needed to do to stay respectful to me. That if talking to other woman was disrespectful he wouldn’t. After 22 years together and only being split for maybe 6 weeks, how is he already wanting to talk to other women? 2) he said I should make a FB post letting everyone know we were divorcing. That to me was weird because I don’t put personal information on there. It made me think he wanted me to post confirmation for maybe another woman?! Now it’s time to settle everything and move on.

[pointythings]

Yeah, your instincts about not taking him back were spot on. He's probably got someone in the wings but it isn't a secure thing, and he wants you there as a back-up option. Too late, mate! Good luck sorting out the divorce and welcome to your new life! I love watching a good escape.

[SandyY2K]

He doesn't get to dictate what you put on social media...how bizarre.

Definitely the right decision.

[Onthedunes]

God no !

Apart from the fact that he left just to get a rise from you, really? or was he occupied elsewhere for 2 months.

Anyway not important, what is important is that you survived pretty well without him and that created an enviroment whereby your child felt secure enough to come out to you.

Be proud that they had the strengh and courage to do that, why would you want your judgemental husband reversing your childs new found confidence.

I must admit I am biased, one of my children is gay and if my husband tried to persecute them for it I think I'd put a bullet in his head !

[Fuschiamum]

Don't dwell on fixing something that wasn't working and you don't even want. It sounds like you are absolutely succeeding at life! Go you!

[madcatladyforever]

Of course don't have him back. Mine wanted to come back because he discovered the grass wasn't greener and life was hard on his own.
I didn't have him back because it was all about him, he hadn't changed one bit.

[Muchadoaboutlife]

Blimey. You’ve split up after 20 years and his first thoughts are to put an announcement on Facebook!! Weirdo. Keep him gone. You’re doing really well with your life without him

[FifteenToes]

Not sure about the other stuff but there's no way I could be married to a bigot who would put their own homophobia above the love and acceptance of their own child. I mean, these sides of people sometimes emerge down the line in a marriage and the other partner feels compelled to deal with it because isn't "bad enough" to justify divorce. But you're already split and you don't have to have him back, to fuck up your poor kid.

[Anordinarymum]

OP coming in late here but reading the thread anyway. After all those years he is still pressurising you, so if you let him back he will quickly revert back to his old self. He won't be able to change, and you won't be able to change him either since he knows everything about how you tick - your limits and boundaries are all trampled upon and can't be rebuiilt now.

That's what I think just from reading here. It will be better for all concerned including him.

[IdblowJonSnow]

He's just messing with your head op. Probably can't believe how well you're doing without him.
You don't have to put anything on FB, what is he on about?
I'd have as little to do with him as possible. So glad you've got out of this marriage.

[MommaCNBS]

I appreciate all of the advice here. I guess I just needed to hear from others outside of the situation. To me, looking back, I think “maybe it wasn’t that bad” or “he wasn’t that bad.” I had planned on trying to work it out (because I feel sorry for him) until my child opened up to me. Then I knew I couldn’t. And to be completely honest, if his dad doesn’t know by now, he’s an idiot.

[AlwaysCheddar]

Sounds like you have definitely done the right thing. Glad he’s gone.

[wirldsgonemad]

Do not even contemplate going back to him!!! You must feel happier now, why would you go backwards?

[wirldsgonemad]

@litterbird

You will be happier without him, you have already proved that. Stay away from him, support your wonderful gay son who took the brave step to tell you. Nurture your new jobs, yourself and your children.......away from him. You will fly high when he is truly gone....trust me.

I agree with this