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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex In Laws

24 replies

everythingbackbutyou · 29/10/2020 23:15

I am looking for others' perspective and opinions on this. Last year I left my abusive stbxh after 20 years of marriage and 3 children. Since then, I have heard not one word from his parents as to whether I, as the mother of their grandchildren, am doing ok/still alive etc. Is this par for the course when a couple separates or further evidence of the family's enmeshed dysfunction?!

OP posts:

noirchatsdeux · 29/10/2020 23:19

Yep. Doesn't matter how long you were together, the minute you dare to dump their baby boy, you no longer exist.

You now only exist to facilitate access to their grandchildren. That is all.

BluebellsGreenbells · 29/10/2020 23:22

Plus he’s now back to being their problem. They blame you for that.

S00LA · 29/10/2020 23:47

@noirchatsdeux

Yep. Doesn't matter how long you were together, the minute you dare to dump their baby boy, you no longer exist.

You now only exist to facilitate access to their grandchildren. That is all.

This. I spent hours on MN telling women not to get to enmeshed with their boyfriends / husbands family because it always ends like this.

The worst are the women who actually give up their Job to become free carers to their boyfriends family, they make me tear my hair out.

Or the wives who discover that his whole family have known about his affairs for years and have socialised with him and OW.

Then there’s the ones who spend their whole maternity leave pandering to their partners mother. Who claim their MIL is their best friend.

They all get dumped like a hot potato the minute their son “ moves on”.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/10/2020 23:51

You don’t have a clue what he’s told them about you if you’ve had no contact with them. Could be anything heinous.

timeforanewstart · 29/10/2020 23:55

Do they still see kids ?
When my brother split up with his girlfriend also mother of his kids after 20 years my parents and us still kept in contact as she is mother of grandchildren, even now nearly 10 years later we are all in contact
But there split was amicable so that helped and we liked her as a person ( still do) so not all are same but im pretty sure of i split up from dh i would never hear from mil again

AnnaMagnani · 29/10/2020 23:55

Yes, even if your ex was lovely and your split amicable.

Really rare for the MIL to decide she'll continue the friendship with the DIL, or that her son was an abusive nightmare and she'd like to continue to support the DIL.

PandemicAtTheDisco · 30/10/2020 00:07

I got a lot of abuse from his mother immediately after the split. We had a really good relationship on the whole before the split with a few rare instances of nastiness. It was a surprise that she turned on me.

It seemed like she was keen to say everything she had to say. I've never got over it and could never think of her like an older sister, or even, a substitute mother at times, again. I think she regretted her words and we never cleared the air before she died.

noirchatsdeux · 30/10/2020 00:09

I still remember saying to my mother, when I was age just 21, when my father had run off after nearly 23 years of marriage with another woman and my paternal grandmother hadn't been in touch "You are the past, OW is the future"

All her grandchildren were over 18, so she no longer needed my mother to facilitate a relationship. If she still wanted one with her son, she would have to accept the OW.

I learnt at age 21 that my status of DIL meant fuck all in the long run.

Original poster

everythingbackbutyou · 30/10/2020 00:11

@noirchatsdeux, nailed it! They don't even need me to facilitate access to grandchildren as we live a very long distance away by plane and nearly all access is via video chat. I can't wait to see how it will go if/when stbxh takes kids to visit grandparents because there is no fucking way I will be joining him. I expect he will rope in new supply to do that because doing it alone just isn't going to happen.
@AnneLovesGilbert, whatever he has told them isn't going to be the truth, that he is an abusive narcissistic asshole who put me at the end of my tether and may have broken my trust in males forever. His mother's worship of him as golden boy and saint mixed with his father's misogynistic arrogance is probably instrumental in making him that way in the first place. I thank fuck every day I am out of this.

OP posts:

TheMagneticFox · 30/10/2020 00:22

Yep normal, my Ex-MIL will walk passed me in the street as if I don't exist and tells my DD (aged 6) I am to blame for me and ExH not being together even though he was violent towards me and the police charged me, it's obviously my fault though

TheMagneticFox · 30/10/2020 00:22

Charged him not me

Original poster

everythingbackbutyou · 30/10/2020 00:27

@TheMagneticFox I expect you did something to deserve it like not bring his cup of tea fast enough or allow him to paw at your body whenever he felt like it or disagreed with him about anything. Totally your fault, and so lovely to see grandparents protecting their grandkids feelings instead of trying to alienate them from their parents.

OP posts:

noirchatsdeux · 30/10/2020 00:27

@everythingbackbutyou Just rejoice that it is no longer your problem. How your children get on with their paternal grandparents is your ex's responsibilty.

If they end up having no relationship, that's also not your problem. They will be fine, either way.

Ffsffsffsffsffs · 30/10/2020 07:47

I've not seen or spoken to my ex in-laws for 11 years. My ex fil whispered such a threatening parting shot as I drove off for the last time I'm glad I've not heard from them. I think the kids have only seen them a handful of times with ex dh in the same time. Ex was their golden child, could never do any wrong despite police involvement.

They're not my family any more, despite me living in the same village (200 miles from my own family) for the majority of my marriage.

Their loss.

Purplecatshopaholic · 30/10/2020 08:41

I was dropped like the proverbial hot potato the minute my ex cheated and left. I literally ceased to exist, despite over twenty years of marriage. I was a bit shocked at the time, and frankly horrified at her callousness but I realised I was never the one who mattered, it was always all about her son. Well rid of both of them.

unicornsarereal72 · 30/10/2020 08:41

My ex mil is very supportive of me. And said I will always be family. I was with her son for 14 years and we were all very close. It broke my heart that they werent my family anymore.

But true to her word they visit once a year in the summer for childcare and I visit them regularly. As travelling is difficult for them.

She is in regular contact with the children. And me.

Although if my ex had behaved better it may of been different. I have had to facilitate the relationship with the children and them as he hasn't. I hope for everyone's sake that this changes. My mil realises how badly her son has behaved but of course he is her son and I am always aware of that. But she is very supportive of me. And remains family.

S00LA · 30/10/2020 08:58

She is in regular contact with the children. And me.....Although if my ex had behaved better it may of been different. I have had to facilitate the relationship with the children and them as he hasn’t

This is the key. She’s a smart woman who realises that the only way she gets to see her Gc is by keeping in with you. Which is fine, just as long as you know that’s what it’s about. It’s not about you.

I know someone who had their spouses parents live with them for 6 months every year. They financially supported them when they lived in their own country at a time when they really couldn’t afford to do so.

When the spouse ran off and left them with the two children ( one with significant special needs ) they never heard from them again. Even when the child with SN died after a long illness. They never as much sent a card.

Saggyoldsofa · 30/10/2020 10:08

Mine cut me off the minute I was out of their son's life. Not a birthday or Christmas card, nothing.

He told them some outright lies about me, and also told them everything wr had ever discussed as a couple about our families. I imagine this (and loyalty to their son) was behind the cutting off.

He sometimes says "oh, they might come round in time". No thank you.

My parents are fine with ex and have had him and kids round for e.g. tea. Because they aren't dicks.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/10/2020 10:10

You don’t think much of them OP so it’s probably for the best you’re not in touch with them anymore.

pinkyponkywonky · 30/10/2020 11:22

To be fair, things became so awkward that I cut THEM out. I discovered that the exes "mummykins" had known all along that that he was a transvestite (for over 40 years!!!) so they all strung me along . I'm still livid but glad they are nothing to do with me now.

HaggieMaggie · 30/10/2020 18:24

Totally agree with this. My MIL is a good woman on the whole, kind, caring, generous, a bit batty but OK. She had a fantastic relationship with DSIL, took her and GDG to dancing comps all over the UK and drove and picked up the tab. Spent Christmas and holidays with her, went shopping with her. Then MIL's golden youngest spoilt bastard, cunt of son left my SIL.

SIL was dumped in about two days, and has not seen or spoken to MIL since.

But MIL is "so proud" of her youngest for buying a house on his own, and having a good job and pension and having his youngest 50% of the time (the older two are 18+ so SIL has to fund them and he doesn't bother to see them)..... needless to say SIL got a shit deal with money, gets no child support and is housing two adult DS full time as well as DD 50% of the time.

I still love my MIL, I just fucking hate her youngest son and he blindness to reality.

SpaceOP · 30/10/2020 19:04

I get on quite well with DH' family but I'm pretty confident that if we separated for any reason I wouldn't want contact with them and nor would I expect them to want contact with me. I mean, yes, I have a good relationship with MIL and SIL in particular, but we all know it's a relationship based on our shared love of DH and that if he wasn't my husband I would never have developed a relationship with either one of them? I can't be the only one who feels this surely?

I mean, sure, his family live far away as do some of mine so if we were divorced and I took the kids to see my parents I could see myself arranging to visit his parents too, because I'm a nice person. But I don't think I'd be expecting long catch up chats while they were visiting or regular birthday cards?

RLEOM · 30/10/2020 22:32

My ex's mum was good friends with his ex of 5 years. So much so, she was going to invite her round for our first Christmas dinner as a family. 😳 Thank funk she didn't as that would've been weird.

Sunnydaysstillhere · 30/10/2020 22:39

When we split up the eldest didn't have to see his df due to witnessing violence... Ils never ever asked to see ds. Saw the younger ones during his contact time. I never heard from them.
Fast forward 20 years, exh has been written out of their wills after trying to punch mil....
They have rewritten history always talking about dc as babies. They never saw them til they were 3+4!!!
It's hard to bite my tongue.

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