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Relationships

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Original poster

Tactics - friends affair driving me crazy

23 replies

Zolaanna · 29/10/2020 17:06

Hello MN,
I'm desperately needing some advice on tactics!
My friend has been having an affair with a married man for over a year. She is convinced he is going to leave his wife (why she would want him god knows).
I do not believe for one minute he will ever leave his wife.
The problem is our friendship and my patience is at breaking point.
I possibly sound like a cow but my sympathy has disappeared because she keeps going back to him.
She hates me being blunt and honest but I can't sugar coat it.
This man has had numerous affairs and never left his wife.

So my advice is how do I shut down constant chat about said man and said affair? I want to talk about other things and make her realise there is a life beyond him.

Has anyone been in this situation before? How did you deal with it?
Should I try to see it from her perspective and how do I do this?
Thank you

OP posts:

schitter · 29/10/2020 17:14

Leave her to it, if you're going to stay friends just don't discuss it and certainly don't entertain her whining when it all goes tits up.
Personally I think I'd be distancing the friendship and phasing her out, I couldn't be bothered with the drama.

Original poster

Zolaanna · 29/10/2020 17:16

Thanks schitter
I thought I'd get flamed for my post but I feel better I'm not alone in me having the right to keep my distance. Tbh friendship feels so strained

OP posts:

schitter · 29/10/2020 17:25

There's nothing to flame you over!

If you carry on seeing her you are going to have to cut her off every time she starts talking about him or anything related to their relationship. Literally "Stop, I don't want to know" every time she so much as mentions him.
But, as I say ... not sure I'd really be making time for her in the first place.

SpongeWorthy · 29/10/2020 18:18

@schitter

There's nothing to flame you over!

This. People who have affairs and want to offload onto you without actually changing anything are usually insufferably self involved and selfish. Which usually means they aren't being very good friends either, as it becomes all about them and a situation entirely of their own making.

Original poster

Zolaanna · 29/10/2020 18:39

This is soooo true. I've been feeling really bad that I'm a crap friend but actually I'm finding it increasingly selfish of her.
I've tried to be sympathetic, understanding, give advice but all she does is moan and then get back with him.

She has got angry with me a few times saying he'll definitely leave his wife.....and I think for what?! Even if you were to set up with him I just couldn't really respect her. I suppose I'm done with it all

OP posts:

N0ManJan · 29/10/2020 18:46

I decided to distance myself from one of my closest friends because of a similar situation, except she is the one in a relationship. She has been with her partner since I’ve known her and has had a string of brief flings for the past few years after the death of her mother. She would get very heavily invested in a new man every few months and then be left “broken hearted” and “used” when it lead nowhere or fizzled out. In all honestly I didn’t know what to say at first and encouraged her to work on her relationship and get therapy but she completely. It came to a head last year when I found out she had been using me as an alibi whilst she met up with her latest affair partner (pretending she was staying at my house whilst I was pregnant and giving me “support” as I was NC with my mother) At this point I was completely done. She is over 10 years older than me and pretending to be a maternal figure in my life but was acting like a school girl, using her friends as covers to have sordid nights away in hotels.
After that, every single time she brought up her situation I’d reply you know I don’t agree with this, I really don’t want to hear about it. Eventually she stopped getting in contact as often. Over lockdown I realised I didn’t have as much in common with her as I thought but my patience for in general had worn thin long before.

I imagine when you start to distance yourself from your friend and shut her down she will stop contacting you as much too. She wants you to support her and normalise what she’s doing.

HollowTalk · 29/10/2020 18:46

Well, he may well get found out and kicked out, in which case I'm sure he'll come to her house, making out it was all his idea to break up.

Original poster

Zolaanna · 29/10/2020 23:11

N0ManJan that is disgraceful behaviour from your 'friend' ,that's so shitty. Yep, I ready feel like we have not a lot in common. Her life now revolves solely around their ups and downs and the make believe relationship she has with him .
I can't stand the whole he's actually a nice bloke but a bit depressed or stuck with his wife but he really wants to leave shite.

HollowTalk is your name a reference to the bridge absolutely agree. My husband said that's what he'll do. His wife apparently has already asked if he's having an affair with her but I think his wife is going to ignore it.
He's had a few affairs over the years.
Just to add he's in major debt, is absolutely horrible about his wife :( and always makes false promises

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 29/10/2020 23:21

Step back from the friendship. Don't call her, slowly withdraw from replying to text messages.

If she wants to meet up...tell her you're busy....if she's got even a little common sense she'll get the hint.

Sakurami · 30/10/2020 00:42

My amazing best friend has had terrible relationships and the answer has been so obvious but I've always listened and given advice until it was obvious that she just wanted someone to talk to.

Another friend did have a few flings with married men (and her ex husband had cheated on her). Not good for any of them but I don't judge. She is a good person and she's not the one who's married.

ZippedBuzz · 30/10/2020 00:57

I actually could not remain friends with someone engaging in this so the fact you have stuck around for this long is admirable... Good luck, I have no advice for how to continue forward and stay friends...

PopsicleHustler · 30/10/2020 05:45

I wouldn't be friends with a trollop like that. In fact, I'd actually happily inform the wife of what her husband is really like under a fake profile or name or whatever.

It disgusts me. My father had countless affairs. It affects the kids as well as the wife. My mother took him back numerous times. Now hes onto his 4th wife and it just makes me shudder.

Ffsffsffsffsffs · 30/10/2020 07:26

@Sakurami Another friend did have a few flings with married men (and her ex husband had cheated on her). Not good for any of them but I don't judge. She is a good person and she's not the one who's married.

She is knowingly engaging in a relationship with a married man. Sure, he's the one 'more' in the wrong, but your friend is certainly not in the clear.

I could not remain friends with anyone who began a relationship where one of them was still married. (*unless there was clear evidence of actual separation leading to active divorce proceedings)

Sevensilverrings · 30/10/2020 07:33

What they are doing will properly hurt someone. Deeply to their core. I couldn’t be friends with someone who did this knowingly and deliberately to other women and children. I know the family is the mans responsibility, but that doesn’t give the woman a pass. She knows what she’s doing to another woman and doesn’t care. I wouldn’t be able to ignore that or compartmentalise it....is her friendship worth keeping in how you really feel?

waterSpider · 30/10/2020 08:14

When a married man leaves his wife for his lover, he just creates a vacancy ...

Original poster

Zolaanna · 30/10/2020 08:55

Yes, I have to agree that I can't really respect her for what she is doing. After a year shes doing this to herself as the affair guy is not messaging her and taken a step back but she keeps messaging him and they keep meeting up.

The thing that rely upset me was her bad mouthing his wife....that she's not attractive, old. Miserable
I found this so tone deaf. She has a husband who has been cheating on her numerous times and my friend wanted to rip her apart and make her the bad guy. She's blaming the wife for him not leaving!
I just can't stand this mentality.
He also says he can't leave his wife for a million excuses such as in debt, depressed, not the right time.

I think I will step back, I also think, when we do meet up I should have a few thought out lines to use

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 30/10/2020 09:05

I also think, when we do meet up I should have a few thought out lines to use

Or you could keep saying you've been in contact with someone who's tested positive for Covid and you can't meet up.

I just don't think I could waste my energy on someone like this. Quite often the OW gets so stuck in her own world and sees the wife as a wicked evil woman standing in the way of her happiness.

It's delusion. If he wanted to leave he would.

Another thing you could do is suggest she seeks support from ppl in the same situation as her. There's an OW/OM forum on www.loveshack.org

SpongeWorthy · 30/10/2020 09:36

The thing that rely upset me was her bad mouthing his wife....that she's not attractive, old. Miserable

I don't blame you for stepping back. In fact I would entirely, she sounds absolutely horrible and I don't want to be friends with people who are nasty. You've been understanding until now, I would let her go.

Sssloou · 30/10/2020 10:38

I think allowing her to vent is inadvertently enabling and facilitating the affair. It has to be secret - there are many issues between the affair couple - and you are giving her the release, relief and emotional space to dump and discuss the issues. This relieves her of the the toxic pressure within the affair relation and provides her with just enough headspace and oxygen to go back in for more.

You don’t need this person in your life. She is deeply hurting a lot of people and when it is finally over you will have months and months of wiping her tears - so you want to do that? If not withdraw now. She won’t even miss you - she must be so busy skulking around. Also if she has no where to offload her angst then she might turn to the person she should be problem solving this with - her affair partner - and then the stark reality of her situation will come to light,

Original poster

Zolaanna · 30/10/2020 12:10

Or you could keep saying you've been in contact with someone who's tested positive for Covid and you can't meet up

I agree wholeheartedly with all the comments. I really appreciate this because I've felt secretly quite mean about being so annoyed with her.

In a way I hope his poor wife kicks him out then they'll be stuck together, unhappy.
She's become really bitter and all her anger is on the wife.

I don't particularly want to see her. She doesn't ask about me or how I am it's all me, me, me and then a sprinkle of how much she hates his wife.

OP posts:

BMW6 · 30/10/2020 14:48

She doesn't ask about me or how I am it's all me, me, me and then a sprinkle of how much she hates his wife

Oh I'd be telling her exactly this and ending the friendship TBH

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 30/10/2020 15:22

She doesn't sound like much of a friend to you, OP. If you do want to keep the friendship though I'd just be telling her that you don't want to hear about this man, or his wife, or the affair, ever again. That you will support her when it's over but until then, it's not a topic you will discuss.

supportivemyarse · 30/10/2020 15:44

I hope his poor wife kicks him out then they'll be stuck together I'd say that to her TBH, also that if she doesn't shut up about it you're going to need time off from her, the constant drama is pissing you off and you can't be a supportive friend or feel she's being a good friend to you right now. Yes to backing off and making excuses depending on the closeness of a friendship, but with a close friend I'd be honest.

Actions have consequences and she's damaging the friendship. if she cares about that she'll maybe reflect and adjust. if she doesn't you've not really lost anything worth keeping in your life.

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