Should I leave or stay?

[Heartbroken84]

Hi,

I've been with my partner for three years and we have a 10 week old baby.

A month ago, I found out that he has been cheating on me. He left skype open on his phone and I saw loads of sexting messages to women. I confronted him about it and he gave me access to his emails. It turns out that he's been on sexting websites looking for phone sex and webcam sex throughout our whole relationship and from before we got together. I've seen all the dates of the conversations. I also discovered that he was still on dating apps for over a year after we got together.

I feel like such an idiot. I never suspected a thing. I trusted him fully and really loved him. He has always been really good to me and I never thought he would be capable of doing such a thing.

He says he is really sorry and is ashamed about it all. He said he was cheated on in past relationships and lost a parent a few years ago and that messed him up mentally. He was using it as a way to escape reality.

He is looking for another chance. He said that me finding out was a serious wake up call and realised how much he has to lose. He doesn't want to lose me and our baby and has sworn he will never do anything like that again.

I am absolutely devastated. I think I've been in shock since finding out and I'm only now trying to get my head together and figure out what to do.

If I leave I won't have much money. I'm on maternity leave at the moment. I know that a family member would take us in. I feel so sad for my baby. I thought he would get to grow up in a stable home with two parents.

He has sworn that everything was online and that he never met up with anyone in person since we got together. He said he was only on dating apps to chat to women. I dont know what to believe anymore.

Can you go and stay with family whilst you think it through? How could you trust him again when he's been doing this for your whole relationship?! It would have to be over if it was me

Leave temporarily.
Tell him you need space
Has to be mored than empty words.
If he serious he will accept your need for few weeks space
You can meet him daily to see baby for one hour

If he uses the time to contact other women you have your answer

I'm sorry you are going through this especially at such a vulnerable time in life because of having a very young baby. You didn't suspect a thing because he has always done it. If I was in your shoes I would have to leave. He will slip back into his old routine. Don't worry about finances when leaving a partner as there are benefits out there to help single parents, I would actually be better off financially if I was separated. If he's always done it he won't change and if you split up then take him back he may do it again as he knows you will forgive him. You will always question what he's up to and it will play havoc with your mentality

He might have an addiction. If you want to stay together, I would try to get him to speak to a psychotherapist if I were you.

This is similar to my story but I've got older children. We're 4 months post discovery and separating. Maybe what's slightly different is your husband actually sounding like he's trying, my husband was actually a bit of a dick about it and that's compounded the damage.

For him, it's an addiction and the support Ive recieved has been with a therapist who specialises in this area. Pop me a PM if you want the details.

At the end of the day though, this was too much for me to overcome. It also pre dates our relationship and the betrayal and all the lies are too much for me to overcome.

Thanks for the replies. I feel to embarrassed to talk to anyone in real life about this.

Yes, he describes it like it's an addiction. He feels good while he's doing it and then feels like shit afterwards. He said he would do anything to earn back my trust. He even suggested seeing a therapist. I think he would be devastated if we left him.
I having a lot of thinking to do.

Top of your list has to be you. You do what you need to do to look after yourself. He has to do him, no matter how much you want to do it for him (that's me).

Have a look at Paula Hall/Laurel Centre. There is some great info and i have also got her book for Partners. Also 'Your Brain on Porn' by Gary Wilson.

The general advice is to not make any rash decisions, and try and give yourself time - around 6 months. I made it to 3/4 months when it became obvious I'd reached my limit and he wasn't trying. I'm glad I gave
myself the time, I can say with all honesty that I tried my best.

This isn't about you. It's not even about sex really.

Please try and find yourself a friend to talk to. I spoke to a close friend who doesn't live near me, so it felt safe. But it is very isolating, everyone loves my husband and think we're a great family etc and I found myself withdrawing from people. Xx

It feels like our whole relationship has been a lie and I keep wondering does he not love me enough to be faithful. I'm going through a rollercoaster of emotions at the moment. I mostly feel sadness. The man I thought I knew is gone.

It may effect my mental health too much to stay. I will never be able to trust him fully again.

I know exactly what you mean, I was all over the the place - numb, shocked, sad, optimistic, angry, functioning, organised, angry.

You don't have to make any decisions now though, but can you ask him to sleep somewhere else to give you space?

@Heartbroken84 how are you doing?

I found out my husband had been sexting women online a few days after I found out I was pregnant with our first baby. I too suspected nothing. I would have 100% left him if I hadn't been pregnant but I was also devastated at the thought of my baby not being brought up in a family home. I stayed with him but it was and still is really hard to get over. As far as I know he hasn't done it again though so assuming he hasn't it is possible for them to stop. Good luck x

Hi, I am the OP of this thread. The relationship has not been good since I found out about all this. The trust is gone. I closed off my feelings to protect myself from getting hurt again. I knew he would eventually do it again.

I've just found out that for the past few weeks he's been using the sexting apps again. He says he is doing it because I no longer show him any affection and because we rarely have sex anymore. Maybe one a month. So basically it's my fault that he's cheating on me.

I don't know what to do because he is a great dad to our 2 year old son. Our son has a very happy home life and I don't think I can take that away from him. Do I stay for my sons sake?

My partner wants me to give him another chance. I dont know if i still love him. Don't know what to do.

He took no accountability last time and he’s taken none this time either, it’s all someone else’s fault. He can still be a good dad without being in a relationship with you. You’re not taking anything away from him, he lost the relationship himself by being a cheat.

I had a horrible year. My partner horrifically burnt in a fire his parents died as result of fire. But I ever once decided to go online for sex even though my partner in hospital for 6 months. He is lying and a fraud.

He wants yet another chance? Then another? Then another? It will always be someone else's fault. You and your son deserve better. Never stay for the sake of the children. He can be a very good dad out of your home. You will always be so unhappy. Think of yourself. Be a happy mother to your child.

Yes it's never his fault. Always excuses. He says I didn't give him a proper chance. It's hard to give him a chance when the trust is gone.