Feeling desperate about things

[Trufflesr]

I am so desperately sad today. I’ve had a few relationships, lived with two and now I’ve turned 36 and I’m totally on my own.

I’ve been pretty good at getting out there and dating and staying positive over the last two years when my last relationship ended but now I just feel totally defeated. I’ve joined clubs and started hobbies, taken breaks from dating and dated people I wouldn’t normally go for. I’ve waited to see if sparks grow. I’ve not looked for perfection. I don’t want a family alone so that isn’t something I would do but the reality is that those things are unlikely to happen for me now. I’m struggling to come to terms with it all.

I know there’s no magic answer here but it does seem like some people get lucky and I’m never going to be that one. All ive wanted my whole life is to climb into bed with someone who I call my husband. That makes me sound like I think marriage would be total bliss, I know it isn’t. I’m just so lonely despite being so involved with work and friends and being very busy. I feel like my life has this huge gaping hole and no matter what I do (I’ve done so much the last few years as a single girl), nothing fills that gap. I’ve had and have therapy so don’t think there’s anything wildly weird about me.

Sorry to sound so miserable. I’m just feeling really sad. I feel so alone, most (not all) around me are so settled and it gets harder and harder to watch which is a horrible trait to have, I don’t want to be that way. Every day is so lonely and it’s been this way for a good year and a half now. Why am I still on my own? Waking up in the night and I just feel totally suffocated by the loneliness. I feel so much older now and some nights I wish I wouldn’t wake up. I don’t think I’m depressed, I get on with the day, I’m just so very sad.

You're not weird. It's perfectly normal to want a relationship.

The current state of the world exacerbates the feeling of being alone. Wanting to share your life with someone is part of being human, and you are definitely not alone in feeling sad about it. Lots of us feeling the same. So be kind to yourself.

I do think there's a certain element of luck in finding someone. Not luck just in meeting them, but luck in the ability to find joy/attraction with people more easily. However, have you had any insight into why previous relationships failed or what it is you're unable to find in your dating?

I found that it helped when i changed my focus for a partner from a laundry list of things I thought I needed to just the basics - Am i attracted to this person? How do I feel spending a whole day with them? Do I feel loved? Do we view the world the same way?. This helped me connect with men I wouldn't normally have been attracted to or interested in - because I was focusing on different things than before. So many times we date outside our comfort zone but still view it through the same old lense - it's not the person we date that needs to be different, it's our view of relationships and what we need from a partner.
It is brutal atm for single people. But please don't feel like it's just you or there's something wrong with you. Sometimes it takes a bit longer to meet your person is all.

Thanks. I could start doing a list like that.

The other ones failed as perhaps in my twenties I was too picky, I was also career driven and whilst I have never put my career first, I always had a distraction. Relationships ended mostly due to distance, had a couple very abusive so I’m wary of that now.
I really don’t know why I can’t just find something that works and fits. It seems so easy for others to find someone where it works straight away (even if it doesn’t stay that way).

I met the love of my life at 37 and still together now nearly 10 years later.
I'd resigned myself to being alone and stopped looking, fate had a different plan lol.

I've never been happier