I can't get over her...

[creativeinmanchester]

I need some advice, and just some words of support, wisdom, even criticism and a damn good shake.

Let me give you a potted history of myself and K.

• Met after I had a messy break up and she was supposed to be just a bit of fun, I was 39 and she was 19
• Over time I grew fond but I couldn't escape the age gap issue and I had a problem with it so I ended it
• K started seeing a married Lawyer in Leeds (she now works in law) before then seeing a partner from a London law firm, 30 years her senior and a few months younger than her dad - he buys her nice things (Chanel handbags) and takes her on impressive holidays
• K discovers boyfriend is seeing webcam girls and escorts and finishes things
• We get back together for a few months and things are great, but then she suddenly ends things and goes back to London lawyer
• Things end again with London lawyer after she discovers he has given her an STi
• K and I get back together but then again she ends things as she goes home to Newcastle for the summer to work. I bury myself in work and try forget about her despite her accusing me mid summer of setting up fake social media profile to message her - I didn't
• K moves to Leeds and she writes me a letter saying she wants us to get back together... she knows the letter is the only thing I answer
• We get back together but deep down I know this will be short lived as she intends to move to London after completing LPC in Leeds
• I help her move her things from Newcastle when her dad lets her down and make sure she is ok, take her for meals, the usual stuff, I even pay for her PhD graduation photos
• K's grandmother declines in health and she moves back to Newcastle - I support at a distance as she said she really needs my support - I am there every day for her whenever she calls
• K moves to London and tells me she doesn't want us to be in touch any more

_ I develop stomach condition and lose my job, when I ask K for support she says 'we all have things going on in our lives' and declines

• K begins seeing Investment Banker, but things end and she gets back in touch
• K comes to see me for my birthday and promises to come visit me again a month later
• K lets me know she's not coming to see me and is going on holiday - subsequently discover she has gone on holiday with new BF who again is wealthy (drives a porche)
• Whilst on holiday with new guy K is messaging me every day telling me she wants us to be reckless and try for a baby
• I meet someone and rumblings of lockdown begin
• Relationship ends again for K and she doesn't like sharing me - she gets me back by saying that when lockdown ends we will have a family and move to Newcastle - she knows I desperately want a daughter with her and plays on this to get me back
• Over lockdown her behaviour is erratic and at weekends (when Barrister male housemate is around) she disappears - only to reappear on a Monday when he is at work
• K sends picture where there is glimpse of a friend called C - who she had brief dalliance with - he is ex Sandhurst officer cadet and wealthy family related to big bread company
• K cnmtinues to send naughty pics etc to keep me interested
• K gets weird as lockdown ends - I suspected she would do this
• K accidentally sends picture with geo location that shows she is not at her home - it is revealed she is now starting on relationship with C and cuts all ties completely - ghosting across all social, email and phone
• I start seeing someone but can't get over K and what she has done - I think about her constantly so end things with new relationship

I know that's a lot to get your head around, why do I think about K constantly, even now I'd take her back but I know that's not healthy.

What is wrong with me and what should I do?

It sounds like she is a narcissist and you are trauma bonded. I would suggest quora for info. and no contact to protect yourself.

I really don't want to judge either of you. I'll just say this though, out of experience: for a 19 year old to embark on a complicated relationship with an older man is never healthy (you obviously had your own baggage there). You both need to figure yourselves out. She as much as you. It sounds toxic. Let it go.

You need to really really really work on your self esteem. Do you genuinely think this is the kind of love and relationship you deserve in life? It's not even a relationship. You're a fall back when she's bored or lonely, and you're clinging on to her because your ego can't accept that she doesn't want you. Possible because at one point she was the young, unworldly one, who looked up to you, and now she has moved on and left you behind. She doesn't need you in the same way. That is what is upsetting you because your self worth is now tied up in how much she needs you, or doesn't.

The way you constantly point out the careers and backgrounds of her partners talks to your own insecurities. If that's what she wants to date, that's her choice, it doesn't reflect on you. At 40 you've made your life choices and should date someone who values them.

She doesn't want you. You can either spend the next 40 years being frustrated, alone and not able to form other relationships - or you can talk to someone, and work on breaking this unhealthy attachment, and on your self self worth. Delete, block, cut all contact. Take proactive steps to gain control of your life, where it is not so dependent on someone else's whims and fancies.

Cut all contact. Block her on everything - and I mean everything. Time will pass and you'll wonder wtf you were doing wasting time with her.

You both need to grow up and cut contact.

You need to have counselling as soon as possible because your relationship dynamic is ridiculously unhealthy and I think you need to take ownership of your part in that.

You mention everyone's jobs as well which is odd from the outside, it seems you're pitting yourself against people in a way as if all of this is a big game of chess.

She doesn't want you the way you want her.

She's shown you that time and time again for years.

Accept she doesn't really want you.

Block her.

Get counselling.

@creativeinmanchester what do you do for work?

And so many identifying details - if true, then ask for the post to be taken down.
If you have changed the details- why include most of them?
I agree that this is not a relationship that is healthy or ever likely to be so. Walk away and get help.

he is ex Sandhurst officer cadet and wealthy family related to big bread company
WTF?

When you date someone young enough to be your child, starting when they're nineteen, it's not going to be a normal relationship with a normal person.

She likes older men with money, if you were rich enough, she'd have settled for you already. She uses men for money, sleeps with married men, sleeps around so much she gets stds and you still want her?

It's your choice to be a fool. Don't expect it to work for you. It won't.

What is an ex Sandhurst officer cadet ?
An Army officer or someone who failed the Sandhurst officer training ....

What a convoluted and utterly bizarre way you have of looking at things.
And yes, shut down any contact with her and move on. She sounds thoroughly poisonous !

K is a gold digging slag by the sounds of it. She is using you and lapping up the ego boost she gets from you.
You sound like a sad infatuated perve.
Sorry to be blunt but that is my take on this mess.

So much detail. It reads like the plot of a romcom.
But yes. Cut her out and move on. Clearly she's no good for you.

Block her in everything, move on, find someone who wants you

How on earth do you know all of this about her love life? It's weird and she's a kid looking for a step up in the world.
Be glad it's finished and move on, imagine you had a son!