Can you continue to be friends with someone who cheats on their spouse?

[Fuckedoffwithfriend]

Cos I'm struggling friends for years but they have cheated on their spouse once for a few months, and now again with a new person for almost a year.

The married couple have young children. I've lost all respect for my friend as it's not something I would ever contemplate or condone. They keep saying they're going to tell the spouse and children and break up, but never do.

One half of me thinks we were friends first and to keep my nose out. But they're constantly texting me/others in a group chat asking for advice and help and venting. I'm losing patience but there's nothing I can do.

Would you continue with the friendship?

@workhomesleeprepeat yes I agree he's a glutton for punishment. He's staying for the children and because they don't have much money and he doesn't feel he should be the one to leave the marital home. Even though the reality is the man tends to leave. I feel sorry for him that he doesn't have the guts to finish the relationship and leave, that he's being walked over really. Apparently he doesn't know about the latest affair but he's not daft so I reckon he does know.

They're staying together for the kids but living a lie. It's just a sad situation.

I've tried avoiding discussions about it with her in the past. Dodge the topic, change the subject etc but then another drama unfolds and we're back to square one. Like someone said upthread, I think she talks about it to try and normalise it .

@madcatladyforever that is so sad about the lady with cancer

I wouldn’t want to see her socially, at all, but might do so as part of a group if it’d be difficult to see / stay in touch with mutual friends otherwise, and I liked the others (other than enabling her attention seeking, drama llama crap!)

Definitely wouldn’t be meeting/talking to her 1:1 or discussing her relationship, at all!

Yes, I would

I would either accidentally screen shot all the messages or a couple of key ones -such as you've said on here -and accidentally tell him. Or just drop her like a stone and everytime she says something - I would state, I don't like cheats and liars. If she doesn't like it she needs to stop lying -as she clearly is lying everytime she meets her lover.

@Fuckedoffwithfriend I see your point with the husband, but really, she is more his problem at the end of the day.

If she talks about it to normalise it and that bothers you, then I think you need to say something. Just short and sharp “look friend, you are obviously free to do what you like, but I just don’t want to hear about it anymore. It’s stressful for me” if she gets funny about that or calls you a bad friend then just back out from the friendship. Too much angst and stress added to your life by engaging with her

I have dropped friends like a stone when they’ve done this, especially within our friendship circle with other women’s husbands. With friends like that, who needs enemies?
Sadly, hardly any of my friends showed me the same loyalty when it was done to me with an ex and a mutual friend. The majority took their side. 😕

I have a friend who cheated on her dh without my knowing until they broke up, when she explained what had happened. We're still friends - but that's obviously a totally different thing to them making you complicit in their cheating.

I would feel very uncomfortable in this situation too..yes its judgemental of me to think this but to do it once is bad enough, to do it again and be so brazen about it, that's wrong, I couldn't respect someone who did that. I feel sorry for the DH and the children. Personally, I would ask her to not involve me in the venting etc as you don't like it. You are entitled to you feel the way you do and your friend should respect that.

people cheat for kind of reasons

In fairness, that’s a bit like saying “people steal for all kinds of reasons” or “people kick puppies for all kinds of reasons”.

@Tossacointoyerwitcher ha, yes I agree. I mean, one short affair I could reconcile in my head, even though she didn't show much remorse. But now almost a year into her second one and I've run out of ways to excuse the behaviour in my head.

Cheers all, will keep trying to detach from her drama.

Yes. It's their life not mine.

I have two friends that do cheat and I don't like it but they're very discreet. They only tell me because they know I don't gossip.

I wouldn't be friends with someone who makes a public mockery of their spouse by cheating on them and telling all their friends. That's just nasty.

Would you continue with the friendship?

Personally, no. It isn't in line with my personal morals etc and I couldn't sit back knowing something like that when the partner had no idea. If they can do that to someone they are in a relationship with, imagine what they could do to someone unrelated that's just a friend?

Wouldn't be something I could ignore and tolerate.

Just to add I'd not judge openly and gossip about it I'd just cut ties and move on.

Although as per a previous comment not sure how doing it but keeping it a secret is any better than telling people. Cheating is cheating. There's no right or better way to do it.

You are not a real friend. You have judged her She is going through a very bad time in her life for whatever reason. I’m sure she is In a very bad place herself mentally. I know for a fact my best friends would not judge me no matter what I did they are there for me 100 percent that’s what real friends do and I would do the saMe for theM. Your post just confirms to me how lucky we are to have each other. This judgyness has no place In our friendship circle

[quote Fuckedoffwithfriend]@steadyasugo it's all she talks about. It affects our plans and dominates our group chat and evenings when we meet up.[/quote]
Oh fuck that. You're not Jeremy Kyle. You shouldn't have to deal with that if you don't want to.

It would depend on what I knew about her husband/ marriage.

If I had strong feelings on the affair, I would tell her not to speak with me about it. If she wanted to end the friendship over that, it would be up to her.

In fairness, that’s a bit like saying “people steal for all kinds of reasons

To be fair people do steal for all types of reasons. Single parent with no money or food stealing so her kids have something to eat. I'm not judging.
Finance manager of a charity stealing to buy himself a sports car. I'm judging.

Women in an abusive relationship cheating whilst she builds up her self-esteem. I'm not judging.
Women (who I knew) taunting her stay at home husband about all the other men she is sleeping with, and goading him to leave if he doesn't like it. I'm judging.

OP, having read your updates, I don't understand. If she was hoping her husband would divorce her, why doesn't she divorce him?

@steadyasugo it's all she talks about. It affects our plans and dominates our group chat and evenings when we meet up.

Oh she’s a real drama lama then. I’d deal with this in two parts.

Firstly tell her you don’t like talking about it with her and will not be commenting on what’s going on. She’s in a mess, has had lots of advice on how to get out of this mess, but won’t listen, so there’s no point in you knowing what’s going on, regarding this affair.

If she ignores you and won’t stop talking to you about it, I would then finish the friendship.

@Bettereveryday1

Shocking the amount of moralsing we still have in 2020.

What's wrong with morals, out of interest ?

Most people try to live by some sort of moral code.

In any case I might not judge a friend but that doesn't mean you want to be involved in their wrongdoings

It would completely depend on the circumstances.