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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Confused about my reaction

23 replies

Louisejoanne · 29/10/2020 06:58

My H graduated yesterday as a nurse. You'd think he been given a wheelbarrow full of manure. He did this whilst working in ICU over 4 years which I've supported emotionally and at times academically (English isn't his first language so just spellchecking etc) and of course I did this with love and positivity as it was something he aimed for as a mid 40s student. Sadly I've also had to deal with mood swings, drinking and infidelities which he blamed on the stress. He failed his final dissertation but at the time was on POF and dating two women (I found out later after I supported him through the I've failed I'm going to work in Tesco phase that followed). When he told me he had passed I felt a mixture of happy and surprisingly anger which was confusing. It wasn't helped by his attitude. Im so proud of what you've achieved! It's only a different colour uniform. Do you want to go and have a meal to celebrate? Whatever I'm not really bothered. And whilst it isn't my success I'm left thinking, wow. If I was him, I'd at least thank me for all the support, especially given I was an asshole for the last year. It's really left me feeling used. Am I overreacting here? I know it sounds a bit churlish but i wonder if this is more about the other stuff.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 29/10/2020 07:01

Why on earth are you still with this man?

AnyFucker · 29/10/2020 07:03

The "other stuff" is rather epic though, isn't it ?

It does sound like you have been used. He's taken your support and pissed all over it. You seem strangely flat about that.

RinderTinderNotRinderGrinder · 29/10/2020 07:03

Please leave him. He’s not a nice person and doesn’t appreciate your support. When dh got a promotion that I’d helped him with (practising interview answers, helping him with the application etc) the first thing he did was thank me for all the support. That’s the reaction of a good partner.

Your dp wasn’t unfaithful because he was stressed, he wasn’t nasty or unkind because he had a lot to do, he chose to do those things because he wanted to.

I suspect he will now carry on being the awful partner and think up a new excuse.

You deserve so much more than this. I think your reaction is right. You deserved some appreciation and he’s showing how little he thinks of you.

SocialBees · 29/10/2020 07:07

He was dating two other women while he was still with you? Wtf?

ItsNotPinkItsSalmon · 29/10/2020 07:08

Couldn't say I'd be as support as you have been knowing he has shat all over you. He sounds like an ungrateful turd.

ItsNotPinkItsSalmon · 29/10/2020 07:08

Supportive*

staruponawish · 29/10/2020 07:11

With a normal partner they would thank you, celebrate etc. But you're married to a dick. You can't change him and you can't make him see/agree where he's wrong. You can LTB.

user1274157963247 · 29/10/2020 07:11

He's treated you like shit, been a drunk (which presumably made him even more of an arsehole?), and cheated on you repeatedly.

I'm not sure why your focus is on him declining a celebratory meal?

What on earth do you get out of this relationship?

Louisejoanne · 29/10/2020 07:13

I didn't know about this stuff until about 2 months ago so I guess I sound flat and allover the place as I'm still reeling from that. I know I deserve better I just need to get my ducks in a row.

OP posts:
XiCi · 29/10/2020 07:16

Wow, I was open mouthed reading this. He was dating 2 other women (that you know about, probably more) and you are still with him? Why? Hes acting this way because he doesnt give a shit about you. Probably going for a celebratory meal with someone on POF!!

SoVeryQuiet · 29/10/2020 07:46

Sadly I've also had to deal with mood swings, drinking and infidelities which he blamed on the stress.

No, you chose to deal with those. Once you realise ,and accept, that it was a choice to do so, it makes it far easier to take the next step.

You could have kicked him out/ended it at any point.

Tbh, his ambivalence at wanting to celebrate with you sounds like he was using you as just another resource.

You feel used because you were.

DianaT1969 · 29/10/2020 07:53

Hmmm. Yes, his lack of joy at qualifying as a nurse is definitely your main problem. The cheating, moods, drinking and generally using you as resource, - that's not worth leaving him over.

EarthSight · 29/10/2020 07:56

It's very important to look at why you stayed with him. Without that, you will make the same mistake again. He sounds like an ungrateful brat that treated you like a doormat. Given all the bullshit, are you really surprised at his reaction too?

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 29/10/2020 07:58

He's not fit to be a nurse by the sound of him!

Somethingkindaoooo · 29/10/2020 08:03

He's been putting his penis in other women, and your biggest worry is that he hasn't been polite enough to thank you for your support?

Both those things are symptomatic of the lack of respect he has for you.

sorryforswearing · 29/10/2020 08:05

What is POF please?

Suzi888 · 29/10/2020 08:07

@sorryforswearing plenty of fish - a dating app

pallasathena · 29/10/2020 08:15

Boundaries. Self respect. Without either, there's an inner void which is manifesting in feeling as you do.

LaVitaPuoEsserePiuBella · 29/10/2020 09:29

Did I read this correctly - he was on POF and dating two women??
Isn't that the REAL issue here?

widespreadpanic · 29/10/2020 21:46

Wait...you expect a man who cheated with TWO other women to actually express gratitude??? I really don’t think it’s in his character to do that.

AskEvans · 30/10/2020 00:19

I wouldn't want someone like him to be looking after me if I was in hospital! Self obsessed, inconsiderate, selfish, arrogant, a lush, no moral compass - no thanks.

veraismyspiritanimal · 30/10/2020 00:30

I didn't have time to speak to my husband let alone date two other people when doing my nursing wtf?

Onxob · 30/10/2020 00:30

A most bizarre thread! Who cares if he's moody - he cheated! What are you doing?! Why didn't you get rid of him? If he's a full blown alcoholic then you should inform his employers too, I can't imagine it's ideal to have a drunk nurse in an ICU somehow...

Why did he even want to be a nurse? Sounds like he hasn't a caring bone in his body. Only one bone he cares about...

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