How to save a dying relationship?

[Momtot]

I fear my relationship is dying, we’ve been together for 4.5 years and have children together, but lately it feels like there’s nothing between us anymore and we’re just people that live and parent together.

Our youngest is only 1 month old so I know hormones and exhaustion are taking their toll but I’ve not been completely happy for a long time, it’s just recently got a lot worse.

When we were first together it was amazing, obviously had a honeymoon period but we were all over each other and had a really strong connection, lots of flirting and really happy. Now there’s none of that, we’ve had nothing more than a peck goodbye in the mornings for about 2 months. He never touches me, never kisses me, never even sits next to me on the sofa. I’ve been the one keeping us alive but now I’ve given up. Even when we do have sex it’s me that initiates it every time and seems like a chore for him, He doesn’t even kiss me then!

I’ve spoken to him about it countless times and he always says he doesn’t see the issue and he’s happy. But how can he be? I’m not.

I don’t want us to break up because I can’t imagine life without him and I love him so much but I also can’t imagine this for the rest of my life.

Help?

Can you try talking to him again and, rather than ask him if he's happy, tell him how you feel?

I do every time we talk about it, he still doesn’t get it and will say things like “you just want me to be all over you all the time” “you’ll never be happy” and “nothing I do is good enough for you” which all just makes me feel terrible and like I’m complaining too much. But I’m just asking for a bit of affection I don’t get why that’s asking too much? Surely if he loved me and was attracted to me it would come naturally like it used to?

Anyone else have any pearls of wisdom? 😩

It seems he’s not hearing you - or pretending not too. For whatever reason he’s hiding from the issue- or he’s just incredibly self obsessed.
Couples counselling might be the way forward to improve communication. I’m not saying it will work magic on your relationship but it might wake him up a bit.

It does sound a bit odd. Do you feel as if he's checked out of your relationship? Is there any indication he's checked out of other areas of his life?

He’s definitely hiding from the issue. I haven’t noticed he’s checked out from anything else, I honestly think maybe he’s just not attracted to me or in love with me anymore and maybe that’s something I just need to accept. I’ve often thought he sees me as the kind of girl that’s good to settle down with, good ‘wife material’ but not the kind of girl that gets him excited etc if that makes sense? But I don’t get why he denies it, maybe he just doesn’t want to have the conversation?

I hear you, mine is exactly the same. Its wreaked havoc on my self esteem and has been like this for about 2 years. Our baby is 10 weeks old and we had sex once in 4 months and conceived him. Affection is few and far between too. Ive grown to accept it for now, splitting isn't an option for us and we have a lovely life in most other areas. Im not saying this is what you should do though and im interested to read the responses on this thread! Sorry you're having a shit time!

1724 I’m so sorry you’re going through this too! It’s been about 2 years for us too. Affection has been getting less and less since then and now it’s none existent, I actually feel like I give him the ick he’s so awkward around me. My body has changed since we got together I used to be a fit size 8 and since having the kids I’m now a size 12 and definitely not fit, all flab! So maybe that’s it.

That’s awful about your sex life being so little! Thankfully ours has never been that bad in terms of frequency because I’ll initiate it when I want it, but it never comes from him.

Do you think you’ll be able to put up with this forever? I’m someone who needs physical and emotional affection so I don’t know if I can 😩

It clearly sounds like he has checked out of the relationship. No intimacy unless you first take initiative, he doesn't touch you, kiss you, sit on the sofa together etc. It must be so lonely for you. As you have already broached the subject several times I think its time to bring in the professionals and head off to couples Counselling. I couldn't live a life without physical and emotional affection. You don't have to either.

@Momtot

1724 I’m so sorry you’re going through this too! It’s been about 2 years for us too. Affection has been getting less and less since then and now it’s none existent, I actually feel like I give him the ick he’s so awkward around me. My body has changed since we got together I used to be a fit size 8 and since having the kids I’m now a size 12 and definitely not fit, all flab! So maybe that’s it.

That’s awful about your sex life being so little! Thankfully ours has never been that bad in terms of frequency because I’ll initiate it when I want it, but it never comes from him.

Do you think you’ll be able to put up with this forever? I’m someone who needs physical and emotional affection so I don’t know if I can 😩

So his behaviour change has coincided with you putting on weight and shape changing? If were were previously a size 8, it means your body has changed significantly. Your body has done an amazing job of growing beautiful human beings and you should never forget this.

The blunt thing though is that attraction is a key part of any relationship so it may simply be that he doesn't find you as physically attractive in this moment in time as he did previously. If that is indeed the case (and he hasn't said it because he doesn't want to offend you) and you wanted to answer your own question, it would be concentrating on getting into shape and being less in the 'mum' mode. You don't have to look exactly as you were before, but diet and exercise changes, which would also increase your own health and confidence, as well as treating yourself to some lovely less 'mumsy' clothes and getting more of the 'couple' conversation and spark you had, would make a big difference.

All the life changes changes that have taken place can mean he's in the habit of seeing you as his children's mother only so perhaps focusing more on kids-free time where you can, since it's easy to become overly consumed by kids and not dedicate enough to the foundation that made them in the first place (your relationship).

This stage of very little kids is one of the hardest and demanding, and things do get better with time.

Maybe he is unhappy but doesnt want to be the bad guy that walks out on the mother of his newborn baby?

Surely he knows behaving as he does is upsetting you and will make you question your relationship and, possibly, lead to you leaving him.

My body has changed since we got together I used to be a fit size 8 and since having the kids I’m now a size 12 and definitely not fit, all flab!

@Momtot You just had a baby a month ago! I don't have kids but reckon a 12, especially immediately after that, is pretty good.

Varying between 3 dress sizes mostly within a healthy weight range I'd say is a normal variation even if you don't have a kid- a lot of us put on a bit then lose it again etc, I know I do, between a range of a couple of stone maybe.

It's not like you're obese or anything. I doubt your DH is bothered by that, and if he were he'd be a twat.

If were were previously a size 8, it means your body has changed significantly.

@Rybvita I disagree. It's not like OP is big now.

@Momtot It's weird if he doesn't kiss you during sex.

It sounds from the comments he makes that he can't be arsed to try and make an effort to do things that'd make you feel happier. He just turns it around to claim it's a problem with you (which I imagine is hurtful and frustrating.)

He says you'll never be happy but we know that's not the case, as you were happy in the relationship for 2 years or more. Perhaps you could say that if he claims that again? It's not like you were only happy for the first couple of months.

It sounds to me like perhaps couple's counselling would help. Talking on your own as a couple you're kind of in a stalemate.

Having kids etc is a lot of upheaval and things could sort themselves out again, but his attitude isn't helping.

Things are bound to be difficult for you both after a new baby's arrived, with sleep etc, but you need support and warmth that he isn't giving.

His attitude is pretty shit/unhelpful TBH.

The other reason could be completely nothing to do with you - does your husband watch porn? Understandably you may not know. The amount of utter damage pornography does to relationships and to men's perception and/or expectations of women is unreal.

I think you might not be taking into account how much your lives have changed in such a short amount of time. You have a newborn and another (or more) very young children. You are both exhausted and overwhelmed, then throw the stress of covid on top and it's no wonder things aren't normal.

Have you tried talking to him? If he is a good man, I think you're being very hasty if you're considering ending the relationship.

@Rybvita Hello, the 1940s are calling!! What utter shite are you talking about? The OP should spruce herself up a bit to make herself more attractive to her husband? Did you miss the bit where she said she's recently had a baby?

I'm sorry I don't have any answers for you OP except to say that the above advice is complete bollocks!