Pregnant and criticised

[Soupset1987]

Hi everyone, I wanted to see if people had an opinion on whether I'm being sensitive.
I am 10 weeks pregnant and my husband has called me lazy twice in the last week. The first time he called me lazy I was on a walking holiday with him and friends and the next day I walked 5 miles....
I was so upset and we had an argument about it and he promised not to say it again. He just has 4 days later. I don't know what to do anymore.
Yesterday I had my booking in appointment. After we got home, we started talking about the appointment and the first thing he asked about was my BMI. Is this abusive? I've been with him for 10 years so I just can't tell anymore. I am not overweight and my BMI was normal for my height.
I am at my wits end - and feel so upset by his words. He says I twist what he says and that I don't provide context. I feel like he gaslights me.

What's the context of the lazy comments?

After we got home, we started talking about the appointment and the first thing he asked about was my BMI. Is this abusive? it's not abusive to discuss this, no. But again, what was the context?

Not abusive as such but my soon to be ex
Always calls me lazy and I hate it so much so i know how you feel.
Is he supportive in other ways?

In the wider context, it may be abusive. Hard to tell from what you've provided.

Certainly wouldn't be unusual for abuse to start/escalate during pregnancy.

Is he controlling in other ways?

Calling a pregnant women lazy at all, bit especially on a walking holiday is totally unappropriate.

Changes even in early pregnancy can make you tired, lacking in energy etc.

Perhaps if he's so keen on "science" like BMI - he can properly research all the demands and side effects of pregnancy.

Taking about BMI is also a bit odd as the first thing to ask from s maternity appointment.

I get the feeling there is a back story to this, op.

Do you find him generally critical?

Do you find him fixated on your weight/fitness?

You've said you feel gas lit by him (?)

To me it's a worrying start for the beginning of a process (pregnancy, childbirth and having a baby (through to toddler) that requires a great deal of support and tolerance between parents.

He's called you lazy (which is pretty insulting at any time, unless someone (who's not pregnant) is truly being v lazy, even then a supportive, diplomatic partner would probably find a different way of expressing it (!)).

You naturally were offended and angry, felt it was unfair - leading to an argument ... And yet he's said it to you again a few days later.

Then there's the question about BMI when you say you are a healthy Bmi.

You're not sensitive.
This is not good.

Is he someone who's controlling around weight and fitness generally?

I read a post on here once from a woman whose partner subjected her to.cistabt comments about her weight, size etc when she fell pregnant and she was so determined not to put on excess weight that she stayed unhealthy thin throughout the pregnancy. When she described her weight Vs height I wondered how the baby could have gotten full/proper nutrition during and after the pregnancy. It was abuse, a d was incredibly sad to read. He was still getting at her and abusing her about other things when she posted years later.

These two incidents alone are not abusive no. Is there a wider context here?

To call anyone lazy when they're pregnant is ridiculous and rude.
When someone apologises again again usually for the same thing, doesn't make them sorry it makes them manipulative.

These are two incidents which, while insensitive, don't scream abuse. However, I'm assuming this isn't coming out of nowhere but is part of a pattern of behaviour? Why did he call you lazy? Does he often call you lazy or other negative terms? YDoes he tell you you're fat (from your other thread, this is not the case at all). Does he tell you how to dress/behave/think/feel?

Apparently lots of men change when their partner gets pregnant so just keep an eye on it and do not let it become a thing. X

I don't think anyone here is in a position to say these incidents aren't abusive - so they shouldn't be.

Calling a pregnant woman on a walking holiday who's walked five miles "lazy" twice could be perceived as abusive. It's certainly deeply unfair, offensive etc. Why is it definitely not abuse .. even without wider context.

The BMI comment towards a woman with a healthy Bmi who's just had a maternity appointment is also totally off.

He says I twist what he says and that I don't provide context. I feel like he gaslights me.

Doesn't sound great either.

@copperoliver

Apparently lots of men change when their partner gets pregnant so just keep an eye on it and do not let it become a thing. X

This is so true. Be wary.

Keep an eye on it and if he stays this way the coming months don't hesitate to leave him,

Is he generally critical of you? These two incidences are both things I wouldn't be putting up with, but are not in themselves abusive unless they are part of a wider pattern of him being controlling and critical of you, obsessing about your weight etc. Certainly my husband didn't realise how absolutely exhausted you can get in the first trimester of pregnancy - I was working a full day, eating dinner and going to bed at 8. Difference was he was fully supportive.

I'd second standing up for yourself, keeping an eye on it and if it escalates, taking action.

After we got home, we started talking about the appointment and the first thing he asked about was my BMI. Is this abusive?

it's not abusive to discuss this, no. But again, what was the context?

@nicerbeing Unless he has some professional interest or something in BMI (and it'd still be tactless) it's probably implying OP is fat when she's not. It's a dig. Bad enough for a bloke to insult someone's figure if they actually are overweight, let alone if they aren't. It's an attempt to have a go at OP's self esteem, esp. when she's pregnant.

@Soupset1987 Him calling you lazy is bollox, especially as at 10 weeks you could be feeling quite rough. Him saying it a second time after you tod him you weren't happy about it the first time, is even worse.

It may be that he's very into his fitness/health etc, that's why he asked about BMI and also called you 'lazy.' Not everyone is into vast amounts of activity and it's irritating for him to try and 'make' others be obsessed/keen about it in this obnoxious way, and when you're pregnant too.

I don't think it's good, and it could effect some women to the extent they diet/restrict what they're eating in pregnancy, or exercise too much. Please ignore him and look after yourself. xxxxx

Very very bad signs. Abusive men do ramp it up when you are pregnant, they perceive you as weak and trapped. Which you are to a degree compared to usual. Early pregnancy, first 12 weeks, is when most women are the most exhausted and that is quite normal. A 5k walk in that state is not lazy. He is either ignorant, uneducated or abusive. Possibly all three. The BMI thing is also uncalled for, he asked about that first, before the wellbeing of the baby, appalling. Whats he going to be like in late pregnancy when you actually are big. A nasty piece of work Id say.

Well it didn't take him long to start abusing you the minute you got pregnant did it. He called you lazy and implied you were fat. He's a bastard.

I'm sure there's background to this ei

This same thread is on aibu so replies to this are going to be a bit scattered.