the effort of holding it in

[bottlingitallup]

The strain of not saying things is making me into a monster. I screamed like a banshee at my son this am with no real provocation or excuse.

The things i am not saying are:
I dislike strongly my step son. I think hes a nasty little shit and i can barely stand to watch his effect on my own children. I am deeply ashamed of this feeling; hes a child fgs and i am supposed to be an adult. But as much as i try to feel otherwise, mostly i just want to wring his horrible obnoxious ungrateful nasty rude little neck and tell him to fuck off back to his twisted old bitch of a mother where he belongs. And yes, i do see the irony in me pointing out her twisted bitterness there, given my tone.
He is also the main reason, tho far from the only one, that i have doubts about my relationship and its long term viability. I am afraid that there is just too much on which we are diametrically opposed for us to work. (he talks like the sun shines out of stepsons butt and who the hell am i to disabuse him of this impression?) What the hell DO we have in common?? We do love each other, yes. But is that enough? Im not sure anymore.

Which leads me to another really shaming thing i cant say; the thoughts about my relationship lead to wondering how on earth i am to earn a living, how i am supposed to house and feed and educate these children if i do leave. I am ashamed that money comes into the thought process at all. (by educate, i mean that they are at a v well funded and run country prep school now, which much as i don?t like the lack of diversity, i do have faith that they will get time and attention and resources and space to follow interests and have any shortcomings noticed and made up for quickly, unlike the state education i had which, sadly i have no confidence in for my own kids... i don?t want to F up their lives for the sake of my happiness or ideals or anything else really.)

The thought then occurs to me to leave them here with their father as the fairest thing on them... but i actually have v little confidence in his parenting abilities to be perfectly fucking blunt and so that doesn?t seem right either.

But then again, the effort of not saying all this makes me short tempered and snappy and nasty... not to mention the strain id be under if i were to actually seriously consider leaving, which means i have v little confidence in my own ability not to be a vile angry bitch of a mother, like i still resent my own for being.

Nice little cocktail of ever decreasing circles there.

So i figured , if i say it here, then its said. a little bit said anyway. and maybe it will stop trying to explode my head and force its way out and i wont end up blurting out something i cant take back and causing irreparable damage to everything.

work out how many years until the youngest leaves prep, work out how much money you would be needing (inflation not with standing) at that point then work backwards to figure out how you could afford to give them all you want, it might mean staying a little longer, but needs must when the devil drives.

Get you both to Relate asap. Being a step parent is really, really tough and there is every chance that he is a spoilt little shit BUT he is your dh's spoilt little shit so if your relationship is to work you will need to work around him. And make friends with him.

You sound soo angry, you need to talk to your dh. Does he know you are thinking of leaving? Are you a saint to live with? Are you without blame here? is your anger making everyone miserable?

I can ask these questions as I am guilty of being pissed off and making everyone know it, I also have a step son who drives me insane, but generally he is a decent young man. I feel for you but you must do something, it is not fair on everyone else.

Don't get too hung up on the school thing either. Slightly more crowded class but a peaceful and happy home life? Seems good to me.
You're obviously alone with your thoughts a lot which is so difficult when you over-analyse, imagine, project... wouldn't it be much easier if you talked to someone about it? God, I really feel for you. I have moments of blind rage and desperation but usually only at PMT time... this one is not going to go away, so perhaps, knowing how good it is to write it down, you should also say it. Just not to dh (yet).

Hi, I think this one needs an answer so I'll just burble on a bit and hope it makes sense... thoughts that occurred to me are:

You can't help not liking your stepson. You might understand how he got like that, and hope that he'll grow out of it eventually, but you're not pre-programmed to like someone just because they're young. The maturity comes in how you behave, not how you feel. When he's not there, try to show your own children how much you appreciate them, especially when their behaviour is most unlike his, though of course without drawing an overt comparison. Just hug them extra and tell them how much you like it when they do so-and-so.

As for your OH, of course it's difficult to complain, and of course he'll defend his child. However some of the things the kid is allowed to do in your house in front of your children are unacceptable. Presumably you've tried it from an angle like: "I know you love x and want his time here to be enjoyable, but it's not good for anyone, least of all him, to do y - you aren't doing him any favours thinking that's ok and it sends a bad message to the others". It is, after all, a parent's job to bring children up to cope with the real world; whilst making childhood pleasant for them and hopefully getting a lot of pleasure yourself out of loving them, you must still prepare them for the cold hard reality out there, the people they will have to get on with, the fact that they will have to work for a living etc. Getting them into good habits, setting boundaries, that's all part of the process, and they'll thank you for it one day. You are obviously well aware of this, whilst unfortunately the fond daddy hasn't got his head round it.

As for the practicalities, check with a solicitor what your rights are - and perhaps check whether their father would continue to pay the fees even if you're not living with him (or could even be required to by the court?). One thing you should not for a moment consider is leaving them with their father for purely monetary reasons. What they need is a loving, sensible parent, far more than any trappings of affluence. Also do have a look at some local schools; I've just been doing this for DS4 and there were some delightful places which would in no way F up their lives. Private education is just a non-option on our income but I'm sure our bright, sensitive little boy will not suffer from going to either of the schools we've applied for. You should find things have moved on a long way from your own negative experience. There are bad schools, of course, but you hardly ever get forced to go to a crap school just because it's the nearest nowadays, thank goodness.

I don't think you'd be a vile angry bitch if you had a bit of your own space, and if you're looking out especially not to be. Sometimes temper will out, but you know how to behave gently and affectionately too. I believe in having the grace to apologise to a child if I've been unreasonably angry, as one would to anyone else (I hope).

Best of luck dealing with it- sounds like you are being remarkably patient despite all!

I've namechanged due to what I'm about to say and otherwise having a public profile.

I could have written your post almost word for word other than the prep school considerations - but share the same frustrations and fury you do about "unbearble" stepchildren (in my case) and yes, their vile bitch of a mother (agreed - that sounds bitter but twisted vile bitches DO exist in the world, and why should I apologise for the totally unnecessary malignant effect upon my life and that of my children & partner she has ?).

The logical part of my brain knows - as Carnmere has said - that in order for my relationship to flourish I need to find a way forward with my skids (in my own mind I mean - practically, day to day, there is no conflict between me and them. I am very good at gritting my teeth and acting, albeit that this comes at the cost of unbearable resentment) - and I also know, and think it terrible, that the totally unattractive and often damaging (to the rest of us) behaviour they exhibit is almost certainly due to their mother's influence. For that, I feel sorry for them. But on the other hand, I am not prepared to sacrifice the rights & needs of my children in order to "keep the peace" (though I usually do). I find that grossly unfair and I hate it.

I would NEVER ask my partner to choose between us. But for years I have struggled internally about whether or not I can continue to be in such an unhappy place. Before anyone else says it - I did of course know he had kids, but what I didn't know (and would have been thought pessimistic and/or a shit stirrer had I suggested it) was how these children would develop in years to come - hugely influenced by systematic alienation from their "mother" (quote marks because she isn't what I'd call a mother and does NOT have the children's best interests at heart .... is only interested in scoring points against someone she wanted to split up with many years ago) .....

..... it is all such an awful conundrum. I exist through it all, year after year, hoping for some sort of miracle regarding the ex and the skids. That looks increasingly unlikely as the problems we face worsen year upon year (and they are many, and significant - too much to go into detail about, but almost unbearably stressful for all concerned) and I am worn out from not only being my partner's support but from also having to deal with my own feelings on the matter, which my partner often overlooks (or considers "minor" compared to his).

The only major bones of contention within our relationship are caused by his "baggage" for want of a better word. I wouldn't even say contention so much, as simple stress. But it wears you down and tires you out, with no end in sight. I hate, hate, hate it all with a vengeance and there are occasions when I admit I "hate" my partner for having dragged me into this (I feel he often hasn't handled "the situation" very well, for fear of rocking the boat, or for fear of contact being further disrupted. Irrespective of how this affects the rest of us).

I dream of getting out - when I would miss my partner terribly - but I also know I would feel like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. And there lies the rub ...... I am in my early 40s, and no way, any way, even working full time could I ever afford to buy even the tiniest flat for myself and my children now. (I was a single mother before for several years and could only just manage then ..... now, any sort of property anywhere is completely beyond my reach - even a studio flat which of course would be completely impossible for 3 people). Ditto renting. I have no objection in principle to a council home but the fear of the unkown in that regard stops me making the move. That all sounds terrible, but I just can't put my kids through that ...... or at least I can't at the moment. Maybe I'll get the incentive to go when I really am on the verge of that nervous breakdown I feel is waiting for me around the corner ?

Alternatively, I daydream of winning the lottery so I can get out instead and still maintain a normal (not fancy) standard of living for me and my children.

There does seem to be NO answer to our situations. Believe me I have spent years (probably about 4 now) seriously thinking of how I can resolve the situation one way or another. Due to their circumstances and the way in which they are being brought (dragged?) up the skids won't change any time soon (hopefully they won't be completely selfish, spiteful, lying adults bit with their mother as role model I don't hold out much hope) and I refuse to "change how I view their behaviour and attitudes" or some such similar psycho-babble, because I think to "accept" that would be morally wrong, hypocrotical and very unfair on my children who are being brought up to consider other people, to be honest and so on.

Can I live with this ?? ....... no, I can't. I feel that one day there will be an "explosion" of some sort, as you have alluded to. But neither can I leave right now. It's not a question of poncing off someone else, it's a question of all parts of my particular, personal equation simply NOT adding up to being viable outside the practical framework of my relationship. I am not trying to "diddle" my partner, nor decieve him. He's unhappy too, because of the "baggage" situation and there's very little that I or anyone else can do to change that.

I exist, I don't live. Like you, I snap and snarl when I shouldn't do and then feel terribly guilty.

Carnmere's right .... we probably should both be going to Relate or counselling of some sort. Of course that has occurred to me over the years ...... but that's a can of worms in itself. It's physically impossible for me to go on my own for example, which might help me get my head straightened out before speaking to my partner - and TBH, he's not stupid, and he's said enough (and we've talked enough) over time acknowledging that the situation we live in (caused by someone else's obsessive spite and bitterness) is appalling. I just don't see how counselling would help when the things I'm so unhappy about (ex's & skids' extreme behaviour and its effect upon us - emotionally, practically and financially) are far beyond what most people would consider as "acceptable" and therefore, I could never "come to terms" with it.

I suppose I have this very vague notion of a) winning the Lottery so I can get out or b)managing to exist in this horrid limbo-land for the next 8 or so years until the skids are adults (thought at what cost to my sanity or relationship I don't know).

Bottling ....... I'm sorry, I seem to have taken over your thread with my own complaints and I don't know if I have said anything helpful to you at all. Maybe you might take a very small crumb of comfort from not being alone ?

wowsers.
was expecting condemnation.

have to run about now but will answer later.

thank you tho. thank you very much indeed.

Just wanted to add that you are not on your own. I'm sure there are a few of us out there.

I identify totally with the op and trappedandfrustrated. I am in a very similar situation and sometimes smiling through gritted teeth is just about the only way to get through the day. Either that or bang my head off the nearest wall.

Really don't know what the answer will be. My SD is 15. The lies, truancy, spitefulness, tantrums and manipulation of any situation that doesn't have her at the centre is unbearable. DH always says he is going to tackle it, lays down the punishment/consequences of her actions to her and then ....... does nothing. I then lose it with him sometimes, we end up rowing because of my resentment towards him for "allowing" this situation. Meanwhile the Dcs resent her for the atmosphere that reigns over the house.

Unbearable.

Trapped and Frustrated, you mention your fear of poverty, presumably because you're not married, therefore don't have any entitlement to maintenance for yourself/a good capital payout.

You may well, under Schedule 1 of the Children Act, have a good claim for the house you're living in now, until the youngest child is 18, when it'd be sold and the monies divided.

If things are really that bad, get yourself a good family solictor. Try www.resolution.org to find one locally.

Ok, brace yourselves, this is LONG

Carmenere.
He does not seem keen on counselling. Have asked. And he doesn?t say no outright, but he wont go.
Yes, i do get angry. And its for this reason i want to change the situation. I just cant bear to be an angry person... i love my mum but her seemingly constant anger was a horrid feature of childhood for my siblings and i. And nope, i doubt i am a saint to live with. tho, he often says, after a disagreement or something, that i am a saint to put up with him, i was utterly right and he has been unreasonable and selfish. His words. And no, im not without blame because putting up with something facilitates it. I am at least guilty of that. When my anger is too much to ignore, then yes, it spills out and is horrid for others to live with. Precisely why i want to change it. I don?t resent you asking these questions; there are pertinent and accurate. No, i dont think he knows i am thinking of leaving.

The school thing... if we split i would move away from where we are now. Not definitely, but probably. I would want to move back to London where i have a support network. And the areas i could afford would have more than a little overcrowding as potential problems at school. My school was basically just overcrowded, but as a result i have no academic results from there and its affected my whole life. You are so right about the over analysis btw!

Come to think of it, there is NO area i could ?afford? without assistance from either him or the govt. i would most probably have to move to my dads house, which is actually full atm and could not be a long term solution. So id have to apply to the council there for a council flat. Unless my dp (who has said in the past that he would ?not let? me take the kids back there to grow up) stumped up to pay for a ?nicer? flat/location... in which case it would be ?tied aid? and have all kinds of conditions i may or may not want to be subject to.

Annie ? you speak much sense. But you know what? I have had these conversations with him and he will even agree with me. and then ignore it. Take for example this morning; unrelated to skid, but he is up with the dc before i am and gives them coco pops for breakfast. Following which theyll be hungry again after an hour. When they?re at school. We have talked many times about this and i even have compromise cereals like weetos and mini weetabix with choc bits in. but no. He gives them coco pops. Every time he is up early. And because they expect it, i have to be the baddie all over again every single time i say no. He knows how i feel, and i don?t think he would ever intentionally hurt me or undermine me, but he continuously does so. Hes the same with brushing teeth. Agggggggh.

Practicalities? You are right; i have NO idea what my rights would be. I know what his maintenance agreement is with his exw for skid and that would more than adequately look after all 4 of me and my dc. And even inc?s fees for private schooling till he leaves. But we are not married. (primarily because he doesn?t want me to be able to ?take half? ? thanks a bunch!) And so i assume his contribution to me would be on his terms. And it would hurt him intensely for me to ?take his kids away from him? (hes said that of the exw) though, tbh, it might be a bit of a relief for him really.
One thing i wonder about is if he would fight me for custody. If he would try to paint me as a bad mother... he does know about casual drug use in my past etc. and i don?t have any way to support them. i don?t know. I don?t think hed do that, but what if hes really really hurt? He could afford the best lawyers.

Btw ? i did cool down, stop the car, and sincerely apologise to the kids, and esp the one i shouted at on the way to school this morn. And we talked about how anger seems to spread and infect other people, when he snapped at his brother for no reason, and i said again that i was sorry i had made us all feel angry and upset. He seemed to accept this.

Trapped... and rafaella.
You do sound horribly caught up . Yes, i take crumbs of comfort from your experiences. but i do wish it wasn?t so for us all really. Your posts are a reminder that my situation could be worse, and indeed could get worse as he grows... and i so know what you mean about the relate thing. What if we go and the stuff we each hear is impossible to live with? To agree to? To ignore?

So much for my strongly feminist upbringing eh? What a failure i turned out to be on that score.

I found reading the attached article

steptogether.org/disengaging.html

helpful. It was suggested on a thread in the step parenting area. I have been trying to apply it over the past couple of months (we only see DP's son every other weekend). It is not a magic bullet but it takes away a lot of the stress.

The hardest thing I find is I can't cricicse the way the skids (there is a daughter by another woman as well who we hardly ever see) are being brought up. This is done by their mothers as DP has so little involvement with his kids. Neither of the mothers are doing a particularly good job of rasing their kids but if I criticise I am by implication criticising DP for letting his kids be brought up this way and so it ends up as a row!

I find disengaging helps with this and with dealing with different (laxer)rules being applied by him to his kids and himself compared with those he expects me and my daughter follow (but that is a whole new thread!).