AIBU? Recent ex partner online dating whilst under same roof with kids

[Bitsandthebobs]

So had been together 15 turbulent years tolerating /trying to understand (now exp) mood swings/tantrums/swearing at myself & the kids .
I finally gathered the strength to call time on this mental and emotional abusive relationship during lockdown . It was heart breaking watching the kids suffer further . I realised that things/he was never ever deep down going to change . ( please don’t judge me) .
We are for the short term foreseeable future stuck under the same roof . The eldest daughter noticed tinder and other dating apps on his phone and was upset by it even though she knows I’ve Called time on the toxic relationship . Poor thing has her exams right now too.
I think he should wait a bit until we have physically separated out of respect to the kids .
Am I being unreasonable or is this how it just is these days ?

Well, if you are both single he is not doing anything wrong by online dating. Why is your daughter looking at her fathers phone?

He can do what he wants really

It doesn’t sound like he was reasonable while you were together. I think you may be expecting too much to think he would be reasonable now unfortunately.

Your dd needs to respect his privacy and not look at his phone. He can use online dating apps as he is a single adult. If she saw this, then told you, go ahead and let him know so that he can discuss it with her.

While I sympathise with your situation, the only thing I can see he's done wrong with this is to leave his phone where it can be accessed, but then your DD maybe shouldn't be looking anyway?
Unless he's deliberately showed her in which case he's trying to manipulate her and that's totally out of order.

He's not in a relationship with you, despite you still living together. Neither you nor your DD can dictate what he does with his spare time. You need to separate mentally from him and not allow what he does to upset you or your kids unless it impacts you. Suggest that he keeps his phone away from your DD and also suggest that your DD doesn't snoop on someone else's phone.

I think this is okay as long as he doesn’t bring his dates home. I also don’t think your daughter should be looking at his phone.

Oh, op :(

Yes, he can do as he pleases, and no, your dd shouldn't be looking at his phone to know what apps he has, but... poor thing, I'm not surprised she is unsettled and upset, it will have brought home to her that your relationship is over, won't it?

Blue tooth in the car
Guess the reality is I’m been a fool all these years supporting him through his mental health blues . I know my decision has been the right one but I’ve not made a point of rubbing his face in any of it .
He ‘certainly is going to somebody else’s problem now .
I’m going to take some healthy time out to focus on mine and the kids healing

If your DD is old enough to do exams, she's old enough to respect her dad's privacy.

I'm sure the idea of him seeing other women is hurtful for her and ideally he should protect her from that. If she's upset, she needs to discuss it with him so he's aware his behaviour impacts her.

Eldest daughter has always forgiven him for his abuse behaviours and holds him in high regard ..she wasn’t intentionally snooping

@Veterinari

If your DD is old enough to do exams, she's old enough to respect her dad's privacy.

I'm sure the idea of him seeing other women is hurtful for her and ideally he should protect her from that. If she's upset, she needs to discuss it with him so he's aware his behaviour impacts her.

I agree

@widespreadpanic

I think this is okay as long as he doesn’t bring his dates home. I also don’t think your daughter should be looking at his phone.

She was just using Spotify in the car with his permission on the blue tooth

Have you asked him not too?

I don't think a decent woman would date a man living with his wife and kids to be honest.

You're not unreasonable to be upset by anything...but none of us can control what anyone else does so it's pointless really to say anything to him!

@Crocky

It doesn’t sound like he was reasonable while you were together. I think you may be expecting too much to think he would be reasonable now unfortunately.

Think you’re right

@StephenBelafonte

Have you asked him not too?

I don't think a decent woman would date a man living with his wife and kids to be honest.

Despite a marriage proposal I could never bring myself to marry him until he changed his abusive ways 😢

Since this news I have asked him to be discreet and respectful without telling him what t do .i want to protect the kids from any further upset.