I know I'm being a horrible cow and I should be and I am ashamed of myself but I have to get this off my chest.
My mum has a life limiting illness and whilst she is poorly she is not at end of life yet. For context she lives with my dad and they have an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship, and she has a horrible time with him.
He is utterly vile to her and has told her 'he doesn't give a fuck about her', she cannot cook or do much for herself other than basic washing/showering etc. He resents her and makes an issue of everything she asks him to do for her.
I work full time as does my brother, things came to a head last year and with a lot of work I got her a place in a supported living place that was lovely, she would have lived out the last of her years happy, looked after and cared for. He persuaded her not to go, said he would change, he did this as he knew eventually their house would have to be sold or a charge put against it for her care after her savings ran out. He changed for 3 months and went back to being vile. I was upset she chose to do this, but understood it's her home and she wanted to stay there.
I go to see her 4 times a week, I do a fair bit for her but it's never enough for her. My brother does nothing, he rarely calls her and offers no help whatsoever. Due to Covid and the fact we're in full lockdown for two weeks, we haven't been going to see her due to the risk this puts her at, once it's over we will resume going to see her 4 times a week (she also has carers going in twice a day which is a new thing).
Here is the problem I have that is stressing me out, she is eaten away with resentment about her life, she is bitter, nasty and every time anyone calls to speak to her, or goes to see her, she sits there and goes on and on about her ailments, hospital appointments and how shit her life is. People are embarrassed when she goes into graphic detail and a lot of them have stopped calling, which is awful for her. She is resentful of anyone who can do things she can't and this gets them down.
Don't get me wrong, she does have a shit life, she is housebound, reliant on my dad for most things and has no company in the day as he just ignores her. But none of this is my fault, I do my best for her, yet every time I go there or call her she is horrible to me, she never asks how I am or my daughter, if I tell her what we've been up to she'll have a negative comment about it, she says mean things about my daughter and her hobby she's passionate about saying we devote too much time to it. She also criticises me, makes nasty comments about my weight and basically has no filter.
She is now 80 and I feel like she is wasting her last years being nasty, resentful and mean to everyone around her because of her situation. I know I'm not in this situation but she's alive and I feel she should try to make the best of things she can.
My brother and his wife don't go to see her as much as they should as she's unpleasant to them. My daughter and I are now at the point we dread going as it ends up with us both getting stressed and upset.
I know I'm a shit daughter for saying these things, and I know I need to learn to deal with it differently, but how and what can I do to help her see what she is doing.