Trapped living with ex - help!

[Thanks2020]

Hello,

Before we begin - I live in Scotland if that makes any difference with laws etc.

I own a property with my DP. Not married, no kids.

The relationship has broken down beyond repair and living together since the split is too difficult, especially with the added pressures of covid (not being able to socialise and vent with friends, not able to get out as much, money worries etc).

We're both employed, I am the lower earner. He paid a bit more into the deposit than I did (no deed of trust was drawn up) and we've paid the mortgage 50/50 for almost 2 years.

Due to other personal circumstances, I'm not really in a position to contact a solicitor until January. To avoid drip feeding, I lost a parent at this time of the year, lockdown is stricter up here than most parts of the UK and I'll find the Christmas period tough being on my own. The stress of this all would tip me over the edge.

It's becoming unbearable to live together when we only have 1 bedroom. His family live 30 miles away in the area where he works and he has a car. It makes more sense for him to go until we can sort things out longer term. He doesn't want to though, and I respect his decision and I realise I can't make him.

He is, however, making my life very difficult and unbearable. I have family I could stay with but I would need to sleep on their sofa and work from home so it's not a very permanent solution. I would be moving further away from local amenities I can currently use/access and won't have a car to get around.

I'm worried about spending my savings on buying a car when I'll need the money for legal fees. I thought about finance or lease but this could hinder my chances at a mortgage.

Some people have advised me not to leave as I would be giving up my rights? Can anyone explain what rights I'd be giving up?

I basically want to preserve my mental health so moving seems like the only option, but I don't want to compromise my legal position.

Also, can anyone share how much they roughly spent on legal fees in this kind of scenario? Bearing in mind it's just the property and the contents - no marriage/kids.

Thank you in advance for any wisdom shared.

Is there much equity in the property? Will one of you be able to buy the other out?

He could definitely buy me out but doesn't want to live in this area. His family and work are not close to here and he has no other connections in the area.

There's over 25% equity in the property, but less than 30%. I would like to buy him out but think I'd be borderline to a lender because of my salary. I hear they've been stricter on borrowing since covid made an appearance.

Should I see a solicitor first or speak to a mortgage broker?

He's being a bit unfair on you Id say, since he doesnt want to live in the area anyway he could just move now, give you some space and be decent about it. i know nothing about legalities though. There may be solicitors that could give you some advice over the phone on this

It does make so much more sense for him to leave and give us both some space. It's not productive living together and I think we could both be doing with the space and being able to form support bubbles if we live separately. I completely understand it's his choice not to though and that he has every right to be here though, just like I do.

I'm hoping a solicitor will be along with some sound advice as a starting point.

OP, could you try telephone advice with Citizens Advice instead of a solicitor? I know Scotland has different laws, but you could be liable still for paying half of the mortgage if you move out, also there would be costs even with moving in with family, they would expect you to chip in with bills? I am in the same situation but mortgage is paid off, I've been advised to stay put until the exchange of contracts. Not sure about a new mortgage for me either, as I don't know if I will still have a job after Covid, it's changed everything. It does sound as if your ex is making it difficult for you, especially if he could move out. Don't do any cooking for him, not even a cup of tea ! No more advice but thinking of you,

@carreterra thank you 💐

I did call Citizens Advice this morning but couldn't reach them. I emailed and they responded wanting more details which I've provided. I'm waiting for someone to call me but I'm unsure of timescales. I'm sure there are many worse off than me needing help more urgently.

I've already discussed costs with my family and have agreed a monthly payment to them. The payment is minimal because they said they can't offer me my own room or a bed. This suits me financially but it's not great that there isn't a private space I can use. I'm also aware I'd need to keep paying half of the mortgage in the meantime but I assume I'd stop paying utilities if I'm not living here to use gas and internet etc.

I've still been doing his washing and most of the cooking. After the discussion yesterday and the comments made, I won't be doing anymore washing for him and will be cooking for myself. It feels so petty though, and I don't want it to be this way.

Yes but maybe by not making his life so cosy by cooking and washing for him it will make him more ready to the idea of moving out to his family.

I don't know how it all works in Scotland but I would contact a mortgage adviser just to see what you can get. I highly recommend London and Country www.landc.co.uk/ who are also recommended by MoneySavingExpert and they don't cost you anything.

We always use them as Dh was self employed for a long time so no straight forward mortgages were available to us. It would feel like a start for you instead of stuck in limbo.

Is there no way you go perhaps take over the living room and he takes the bedroom and you stay apart for the time being? I wouldn’t be moving out until the process has started and you have strong advice. Are you part of a union? Mine gives free legal advice on a topic for up to 1 hours

I'd go mortgage advisor first too. I'm in Scotland as well and I was about £2000 for the legal stuff but there were kids involved. The mental health stuff was greatly aided by having friends in the same position-I have a brilliant single mother friend who gets it and always has my back even if only to rant with her. I know she would spend Christmas with me happily and we would laugh all day. I'd say try and get some sort of friendship support like that worked on or worked towards if possible as spending Christmas with him doesn't sound like a fun option

Also re citizens advice I live in a village and the nearest big city has a citizens advice which was very busy but the small town nearby had a less busy one so might be better to consider a different branch of citizens advice.

I'm going to be getting my own shopping and doing my own cooking and washing going forward for sure! I didn't want a hostile environment but trying to be civil doesn't seem to be working either.

I wouldn't mind taking the living room but it's connected to the kitchen so he'd be forever in and out for snacks and drinks.

The type of work I'm in doesn't have a union but they have a support line so I'm going to call this week and see what services they can offer for free.

I'll also try L&C for some advice on the mortgage front.

Break-ups are hard enough as it is never mind all these restrictions. I wish I could be out with my friends having lunches and drinks and takeaways to keep my mind off things. I'm also very aware that people are finding things difficult just now emotionally and financially and I don't want to be draining or a burden with my problems!

Sadly there's not much to do and nowhere I can really go because of the lockdowns in place so the situation probably feels more intolerable than it otherwise would be.