My husband feels like a friend, I don’t know what to do

[PurplePrincess31]

For quite a while now my DH has felt like a friend, I care about him but don’t feel in love with him and rarely want to have sex, although I go along with it so it doesn’t cause an atmosphere. We generally get on ok, there are some things that get on my nerves as I’m sure there is for everyone but certain things keep recurring and that has made me feel resentful over the years and I think this may be why I’m not in love with him. I have felt unhappy for a while like something is missing but can’t quite put my finger on it. In some ways I’d be happy to be friends but he wants the full relationship and I can see it’s not fair on him, he would hate it if I said I wanted to be friends. I have thought about leaving but it seems wrong to leave when nothing really bad has happened, any advice, should I just be grateful for what I’ve got?

In a way something bad has happened. You've lost interest in him. Yes, people get annoyed with their partners, but the whole reason why they keep on going is because those partners strongly fulfil them in other ways - that doesn't seem to be happening here.

I wonder if you are getting the affection and communication that you may not even realise you need. You certainly don't seem to be energised or stimulated to be around him. It's a double edged sword though - interesting, stimulating people can be annoying in their own way sometimes too.

Same position. Essentially we now live separate lives. Although subconsciously I have known this for a few years, recent events have brought it more into focus for me. I don’t think he’s even aware. So we middle along living not quite separate lives.

Hi OP – all kinds of variables play into the question of whether or not you should settle for what you’ve got now with your husband or try to find an alternative relationship.

You don’t mention whether or not you have children together – if you don’t, then there seems to be less reason to continue with the relationship. Also, if you’ve got the pressure of raising a family, particularly the early years can cause partners to lose the romantic feelings they have for each other. Frankly I think that’s quite normal. They often return when you have a bit more time to focus on each other in the relationship. But there is nothing in your post to suggest whether or not that might be the case.

If your username is indicative of your age – 31 – and you got together with your husband at a very young age, it may simply be that your relationship has run its course. It would certainly be a very young age to decide that you will settle for a marriage based on friendship alone. I’m in my 50s and would not want to marriage based on friendship alone, although it is important.

It’s not clear from your post whether there may be external pressures which have caused the romantic feelings to be pushed to the back – family pressures or very stressful jobs and so on – or whether this is just a case of a relationship that has run its course.

Just bear in mind that life is not a dress rehearsal and this is your one shot. Obviously, it will be very sad for your husband if he wants to remain married and you don’t but you don’t owe him a relationship. It may be that the best thing for both of you is for you to end the marriage and he is then free to find someone who feels romantic about him as are you.

One thing I have learnt in a long (30 year plus) marriage is that the way I feel about DH could vary enormously from one day to the next.
Sometimes he is an irritating house sharer, some days a sex god who I can't keep my hands off. These changes can be sparked by actions, words or sometimes tiny things like a look in the eye or a song sparking a memory.
I don't think you should 'feel grateful for what you've got' but maybe consider what you may lose and what you may gain from leaving the relationship. I think you are right to wonder if your continued marriage is a happy place for you both. Maybe have a frank discussion with him, not allocating blame but rather looking for chinks of light to build on.

We’ve been together a long time, I think with DCs, work, home stuff we’ve just drifted apart sometimes it feels like we’re 2 separate people living in the same house. I hoped things would get better but I don’t know what do to make it better. We get on ok but there’s just something missing. He’s a good person

I understand you. It's awful. I was strongly feeling like you not so long ago. I had got talking to another bloke just for a few weeks whilst we worked in the same area. He made me laugh, Made me feel attractive and positive. I realised I got nothing from my partner anymore like that. It really hit me hard. Nothing happened with the bloke but it really opened up my eyes.

I think if it wasn't the fact we had kids we would have fizzled out a couple of years ago.

I never think about sex with him. I switch off when he's talking. I feel bored alot.

No answers but I understand.

I think you should try to focus on your relationship to see if it is possible to bring those feelings back. Do you have childcare so you could start a hobby together, learn something new, take a trip away. I think it is really easy to lose part of your relationship with young children but it might be possible to get it back if you want to try?

I think that’s part of the problem, we never get to spend any time together alone, especially at the mo as grandparents can’t really have the kids cause of Covid

@PurplePrincess31

This is what ruined us too. My mother in law supports her daughter and moved away to help with her child. We get nothing. I like my mother in law too. I'm not bashing her as a person. But because nobody has ever thought to give us a break (my parents neither but my mum's useless at being hands on) we've lost our relationship.

I can't remember the last time we went to the cinema or shopping alone.

Do your children go to a nursery? You could ask one of the workers if they do babysitting? Even going out once a month would help.
We are lucky because although we have no one to help nearby we go away twice a year for a night or so while the boys are at one of our parents. It’s not a lot but it helps.

“We’ve been together a long time, I think with DCs, work, home stuff we’ve just drifted apart sometimes it feels like we’re 2 separate people living in the same house. I hoped things would get better but I don’t know what do to make it better. We get on ok but there’s just something missing. He’s a good person”

Have you imagined how you might feel if you had gone through those experiences with someone else? When I’m feeling bored/irritated/platonic towards my DH, I’ve assumed (rightly, I think) that I would feel those feelings towards any man that I had shared 20+ years of daily grind with. I think it comes with the territory. But my positive feelings outweigh my negative ones and over time I feel like our bond continues to strengthen.

Fake it till you make it can work wonders here. Sometimes you have to force the interest in order to rediscover it. But if you ever felt it, chances are it’s still there - just somewhat buried through circumstance.

It sounds like neither of you have been making the effort to emotionally connect with each other, it takes time and effort from both parties to fix but it can be.

I would recommend joint therapy. If you give it your all and things don't change then you know you did try everything you could to make it work and be happy.

Have you actually dealt with the issues that made you resentful? Has he apologised, has he made amends?